Who's Gonna drive you home? by The Cars

Apparently a friend wanted me to listen to this song... He just send me the link and wanted me to put 2 and 2 together... 

Well, it's not that I grew up in a wrong place... well sort of, depending on your interpretation... I don't believe it was a ghetto or even close but as a child how do you know different than the environment you live in. Oh, I know... fear. Well where I grew up we lived in between 2 streets prominent to gang activity...  We, as children, were advised to walk with pride and they wont tell you a thing...  Me, being an embarrassingly shy girl, growing up, showing pride hurt more than keeping my head low and pretending I didn't exist. 

There was always a rival gang going into town... and all you ever heard was the shots fired and the shrieking tires of a car racing away... it happened so often. We lived in a back house so thank goodness we weren't exposed to the actual streets... although I remember one instance... a lil neighbor girl Michelle would come and play with me (she was like a year or 2 older)  and my sister 2 years younger, we were playing house or something, I had a tray of crackers... All I remember was seeing this car, a man with his body almost hanging out of the window and a gun/rifle I'm not sure... everything felt in slow motion... when I saw that... I just remember my tray slowly flying into the air as I was trying to drop to the floor. I don't remember much about my sis and Michelle at the time... but I remember my tray of crackers falling to the floors... and the crackers flying and breaking in various places... that moment was defined in me.. and I still remember parts of it... It was placed in my back memory...

We all grew up....

I was depressed when we moved from there to Fontana. It was a relatively quiet neighborhood, not many kids... peaceful and no noise... I hated it! As I grew and got adjusted, I realized how thankful I was for my parents to move...

Yesterday, we were in San Bernardino, California and did a quick stop with one of my mom's comadres ... there were a lot of cops there... She then tells us she had heard gun shots at 20 til 11 in the morning ...  They were doing an investigation.... As we were standing out in the street talking a Police Officer stopped where we were and asked if we had heard anything.Well she had... my mom and I had been in church...

She heard 2 separate sets of shots which seemed to surprise the officer or well at least add to what other witnesses had said.  Two young black men had been shot in plain day light.

So being a single mother with a child and in hopes to one day get married and possibly start a family with that person... How do we choose a place to live where we can be certain... kids wont be scarred by some daily activity? I know in many instances it makes a person... But, Who in their right mind wants to expose their children to it, or make then desensitized... to bloody murder? I guess the factor is still of keeping some form of innocent... but not to confuse with ignorance... Ignorance isn't always bliss, and I found this the hard way...

I know nothing comes from sheltering but I would like the best area for kids to feel safe and for I to feel safe for them riding outside of the home ... I know there are many areas that great... and even within those great areas... there will always be the other side of the train tracks... I know... I've experienced it...

What places have you noticed would be an ideal place to raise a family? Cities, streets in cities, States?

I guess I love the wind after all haha...  not that I'm all environmental but I love peacefulness and enjoying it... And if you missed my other blog  on  The Wind  so see it... lol  It just my Blow you away!...

This convo here took place in on my FB in February after I posted this Status:

Friend 2:wierdos!!!

(haha, I guess it does sound a lil weird, reading in right? )

Me(to f2):  Hey appreciate nature! She can be nice or send avenging chaos... Lol but you won't have time to appreciate her then =D

Friend 2: when the chaos starts, ill appreciate it.

Me: It will be beautiful chaos nonetheless =D thus beautiful music ringing in your ears of frightened people screaming notes on different keys, melodies and dissonance

If you didn't think I was a little weird... maybe this is prove... haha!

Well I've been doing a lot of  drinking on thinking... hahaha jk I mean thinking on drinking... yea many of us have had our fun drinking and enjoying the fun of company... heck drinking was done during the college years... Well, not all, but it was a part of socializing and learning your limits... yea we all knew the laws but the new discovered freedom was in our all powerful hands and what did many enjoy ... yup drinking

The sad part came when people were taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning... obviously OD-ing with alcohol. To be honest, I still don't know how people were able to such a level of alcohol in their systems but obviously not knowing their limits... right...

I, after a bad moment in life, got really drunk too... first time in my life I ever  forgot part of my night... not good (the story of how everything is a story for another time) but my room mate and a frat sister  watched over me... but as a result I did quit drinking for like a year plus...

But, I know people still do it here and there have fun, relax and enjoy ... and I don't find anything wrong with it... Every once in a while doesn't do you any harm...  well that's my take even though the majority agree and a few don't...

Okay, now let's say the fun and games are over but there are a few who continue drinking... slowly day in and day out... drinking alone and no longer in the company of friends... drinks after work and can't function as a person very much...
 

It wont happen to you... ok I hope not... but i've been hearing of stories of people I know close by who are struggling with their Husbands, Boyfriends, Men who drink ... yea, they have jobs and work but the relationship is deteriorating... They're not contributing and  There is now ... yup spousal abuse...

 
It may seem a lil extreme but to this person I know, it's not... it's real life... a 4 month old and now pregnant again... and well she just realized who was sleeping next to her, a monster (no offense men) but I would hate if my life ever ended up there...

When does it get past the point of innocent fun to the abuse of a loved one? The more I hear this of women suffering with their men over do it, the more I convince my self that a person who rarely drinks to none is better for my life. Socially is fine there is nothing wrong with as long as they don't party every.

Or hey I can have a few drinks and they can be DD haha well some hispanic households the female is DD ... but that's not the point.  And I know that there are men who get abused by drunk women too ...

So still, How does one get past the point of innocent fun to the abuse of the loved one?
And, again I realize not everybody does that... but there are a few and that's more than enough...

I'm starting to realize how some people choose to go the non-alcoholic way...

As far as I'm seeing, it's causing more problems in people I know than not... I would like to one day be happy... and only time can tell  but as far as I am paying more attention and the more I think about things... my questions are being answered with out asking for the answer... I think God is truly guiding me... it's a strange feeling but I feel that the more I wonder the more answers I'm getting.... It's a good feeling ...

Hope my thoughts were coherent... a lil tired and no not drinking =D

Well something was out of place in bed structure so the mattress in...haha I was too tired to fix it last night so I decided to sleep on the floor... I've slept on the floor before it's no big deal but maybe the blanket under me was very thin... When I woke up, I woke up so sore, lol and swollen eyes... you would think if you saw me, I'd been crying all night (which isn't the case - it's not) ... I enjoy the floor every once in a while, I use when I sleep at friends... but I do admit I enjoy my bed too...

Does anybody prefer the floor or the comfort of their bed? Anytime you prefer sleeping on the floor?

It's not the freedom you might think... nor is it one as easily obtained...

(Sensitive subject, please be kind.... ) I'll answer questions, if you have have some, or explain... whatever you want but it might be different than you might have felt in life before or comprehend....

Let's Retract....

(This is personal account, not everybody feels or have felt the same... everybody may experience different feelings, or interpretations on the subject)

In this lovely life we all go through hardships... Many can cope and some of us haven't figured it out. Life is hard and we're put upon trial, many in which we feel are slowly chipping away at our personal life. (You've never felt like this? Lucky!)  It's not about hating life ( well, not everybody), it's not about being completely unhappy (sometimes people are but there's more an underlining why...) but sometimes it's about having a control over what you already can't control.  It feels like the easiest way to regain what you haven't had for a while... FREEDOM, an escape, and easy way to cop-out... I know, I've been there! It feels like letting go will let you sore in the sky and have the abundant freedom...but, it's not that easy.

For more info CLICK here!!!!!!!!

I've been there... didn't do it, obviously I'm here... I've been practically in isolation my whole life, since I can remember all the way to pre-school. Since I have always appeared quiet shy to everybody, that's all they know... I am more distant than some... but when I had friends, I share my moments, its just that time always leads me back to my nature... being alone... I guess it's more of preparing to share my life with somebody than always relying on having friends around. There was never a cry for help with me, actually nobody would have noticed... they only knew me as the sad-eye one... in black, depressing music... and that's it...

That has always been ME!!!

Sure, I even did the whole cutting thing (I know touchy subject, but it's true) .... and unlike what people thought, it wasn't for attention that I did... nor did I do it for other people to notice. Nobody ever did....  I've always been alone with my personal burden!

When you're at point where you feel so much pain, that pain isn't enough for you to feel... you become a little numb... Numb with life, numb with pain/happiness... you're just there( living the motions (although, not actually all present) ... you eyes loose their brightness and you are just empty. There is nothing... (I remember my sister specifically hated when I would stare at her when we disagreed on something. She would say, "I hate that blank look you give me") I didn't know my stare would go right through her but that's how I felt. I guess my siblings always called me "emo" and they still sometimes make fun of me... they would joke around with cutting ... and I of course always denied everything....  (making fun isn't the best way sometimes it's feeding the negativity and even the depressed heart) After, I would leave them with th happy facade they wanted to see... I would go and bury my self in my pillow(sometimes literally)... many times and more distance I became and feeling-less. The thing about people who make fun of people for something it's because they don't understand the feeling. They don't understand the pain one feels. They don't understand how a person can get to that point. They don't always understand responsibility. Those that go through such pain is because sometimes they do a lot, sometimes so much it's overwhelming...

You think it's sad, or you pity me or those who have felt this way... fine. I'm not making you change your mind on how you feel about it. But, When I hear of others having pain as I have in life... I truly with all my heart wish I can take all of their pain away mainly because I've known how it feels. I wish no one would ever have to go through that in their lives... I breaks me apart (and I'm sure thats how some friends and family feel, so I never let them know).... The fact that I'm still here is because I have a purpose... Maybe a purpose to help others later in life when I'm more stable. I've been helping my parents which has been a purpose in itself. With everything they've gone through, I've been at their needs for everything... 

You can maybe add post-partum to the depression I had accumulated in me.... it became really bad... really really bad... I admitted to myself when I became conscious... I seeked out help... it's the hardest thing to do... it really was/is... my roomate had no idea... But, it was the best thing I did....

I encourage you to see the signs... you might make fun of... or judge but it's no laughing matter I assure you! It's a life and death situation that can be avoided if you help bring life to a person. To help them realize everything they have to live for... or maybe they need an unconditional friend to talk to about everything or maybe not even to talk ... just to be there by there side by side....

I realized:

You know what I was at the end... I was trapped... trapped in my own little box... trapped in my life... trapped with all the words running at a 100+ mph in my head... I was chained and  I didn't have an out... I concluded that the freedom I truly craved wasn't freedom, in reality... (well according to a personal believe, it's damnation... but I'm not here to bring in religion, but for a while I didn't care but it entailed)

When I found the help I needed I was Embarrassed as could be... My sentence, my imprisonment was slowly become less... I found out that the freedom I was actually seeking was not a  freedom at all but it was an  imprisonment for others - friends and fam... I was trying to bind them to something that didn't belong to them... In reality I wanted all to suffer what I was feeling and that was too  selfish...

I obtained freedom... when I let me be me and be happy with who I was... and accept everything, including responsibilities which didn't belong to me, and other's burdens ...  I knew I was going to have to pay the price... And, was willing to accept... I knew my  thoughts were a false freedom, a true imprisonment... and Thank to probably God, I got the chance to live again. Even though life's circumstance are not always better seeing life in a clear light sure makes them a positive... Times are hard and you know what? There is no other place I rather be than be here right now....

I feel happy, content, My heart sings, and I sometimes cry sure... but never cry the tears of not feeling anything at all... I feel lucky and blessed to be where I am at right now. It hasn't been an easy road but I've surely learned many lessons!!

(Disclaimer, girl in the pic not me... We hardly use measuring  cups. We just know sometimes.... haha!!)

Digging your hands in the dough that is

I've always liked to sometimes know what it felt like when my parents were little and my grandmothers had to do foods by hand... Obviously, they had to know how to do Tortillas and those were made 2-3 times a day depending on whether the man was home to cook for.... Not that's I'm going to do it like that... come on it's not those times anymore... hahaha! I can and they would be freshly made but who really wants to put me through that hassle.... I hope you don't ... We can go buy some but it is cheaper and you save money making them....

Anyways, my mom and I are about to do flour Tortillas... we make corn tortilla all the time sometimes or makes gorditas, or the lil doughs for the sopes, ... Heck, one new years... I went to sleep at 3am and woke up at 5:30am and make pizzas all day for the fam... yea, out of scratch... I loved it... I guess because I like cooking and when there is the need for a lot of things being done... I usually like to do it all my self or if people willing to help to do as I say... yea I'm that nice in my territory.. but I love the company though... So I've always dreamed of having a big kitchen with 2 stoves... not that I would use them both all the time but there will be times.... Someday, I'll make it happen.

Well, got to go to the kitchen.... my hands are needed!!!!!!!!

This year in May with be 4 years since I graduated from College. I went to University of Redlands and I went for a passion I had, Music. I have my B.A. in Music and guess what? Jobless... *sigh* You see, I ended up pregnant and had a baby mid-year of my junior year. Crazy, right? Well 2nd semester started the day my son turned 1 month... now to make up- finals and well take some classes over. I worked my a** and finished everything I had to. I was active in a Music Fraternity for Women, Sigma Alpha Iota. Took some time off because obviously I did had all my full classes, I worked on campus and not to mention a new born. Let's just say for a year and a half until I finished school I slept an average of 3 hours... Once I was home a juggling between a baby, and homework... You have sympathy... Nah, I didn't think so. You're right it was my fault completely. If I would have been responsible I wouldn't have been in such a predicament... I surely learned from that. I was completely alone... The fam that was helping me... would yell at me all night as soon as I got home, my friends distant because I didn't have the time to see them as much, and my sister well I just didn't have the time... I would sometimes go to the library alone and sit in the back of the second floor and fall asleep for a while... I learned to isolate myself and learn comfort within myself. Well, the semester before I graduated... I became active in my frat again and got a lil sis, I wasn't going to graduate before having someone to pass down my family letters and so on and so forth.... yeah well now, I was juggling school, works, a toddler (one yr old), my sisters, and hey let's add a senior recital to this... I burnt out... To be honest I didn't even want to walk on graduation day... I sucked it up and did it for my family! I just wanted out ... worst thing I wished... Once I graduated I finally started to enjoy from free time I had never had in my life. I need to veg out and breath for a minute and think... As the 6 months were nearly approaching I started learning frantically for a job... went to agencies... I worked as a clerk in the school admissions office I thought maybe that would help. And it did but no one was hiring... in fact people were being laid off... I got worried.... then I deferred and deferred my loans... and at one point they just started telling me I didn't want to pay ... I hate confrontation ... and so I got depressed. A graduate, jobless, with a hefty debt on my shoulders... no encouragement... and we were in need... dad jobless... everything was wrong.... I had no were to turn...

2008 came along...  there was times where I made a few payments but they wanted to charge me $1000 a month where was I going to get that kind of money?  I would try and then at not being able to meet their expectations I would fall hard in dep. mode... July 2008... my mom had a huge accident. I was there, I helped her and made sure my son was careful with her. My job was to take her to doctors... and the worst part was they discovered a brain tumor... 2009 she was finally getting better and starting to heal and apparently symptoms started to show up... 2010 she had brain surgery and we moved to Apple valley... And there were more doctor's appointments and going everywhere... It was my responsibility to make sure everything was going ok. I'm not going to say this was easy... but by now it had been 3+ with a job and not to talk about school loans... I changed my number because the thought overwhelmed me. I'm going to say that I don't care about my debt... I have it and I will pay it, I've never been irresponsible but life sometimes throws curbs at us... They garnish fine I'm ok... 7 years to clear up credit after I pay I'm up for it... anything ... I am now in the position after so long where I can look for jobs and make sure I can make it without my mom needing me so Doctor appointments. At the end of 2010... I tried for minimum wage and even restaurants that I had sworn I would never go back to... but did it anyways, necessity was more important... Applied to over 10 and nothing... I applied to a few clerical positions and nothing. I was teaching a few lessons but my paying for gas was out weighing the income I was making, not good!! Yesterday as I was teaching a lesson I received a call... I didn't know too much of it or think too much... but the loan people finally found my number...  And you know what I was somewhat interested in hearing what they had to say... the lady told me she had to close my account yesterday but I was teaching and busy so I couldn't take the call... asked her to call me. And thankfully she did today...

I don't know if I'm gullible but I truly hope I did the right thing... She talked of some loans I have for $30,000 as far as I know I have 42,00 plus interests and blah blah blah...

So, she asked me questions and well we did a hardship application... she was the first person to understand the situation. Everybody else assumes I'm lazy and I don't wanna yeah. Sure think that but that also means I can't get anything else or qualify for anything... I really want that. Well, I assume there are people but times are hard...

And it even seems like this year I dont get a district stipend because I couldn't finish the requirements either... all my money went to gas... and even though they weren't too expensive I just don't make ends meet enough to get it. I know it sucks... Not getting paid... makes me a lil sad of massing out on something that I've worked for but oh well ...

Anyways, with this Application I got... not a bad deal four payments of $10 in the next 4 consecutive months...

it will:

1. Collection activity will stop

2. Loans will show on credit report as good standing

3. will No longer be subject to involuntary action

4. I will be able to request Title 4 to be restored, which means I can go back to school... YAY!!! 

I know after so much debt who wants to go to school but I put in 2 years and I can have another 4 yr degree... and then my teaching credential and who knows maybe eventually a Masters in Business, or Education, or in School Administration...

Anyways, I had been thinking of my school loans for a while and kind of glad they called. Hopefully this is for the best and I can finally find a job and if possible move to a place where there are jobs so this debt will be over with and keep working. And, continue with my life. oh and  buy clothes... lol (it's been years)

Well, I guess people do change. Or we all change sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. I think I change for better. But you know how you slowly notice who your friends are. Or an instance happens where you know that the friendship can tremble but you have a great foundation that you didn't think it could possibly do any harm.  We were great friends in HS... well not so tight but we would talk a lot. I had a lot of respect and in college we became really close friend... 2 of who came from the same HS and we met 3 other people there... we were always hanging out. It was the best time when the 5 of us were together. After I had my son... I did notice the distance and I wanted to think nothing of it. I tried to be blind in hopes that it was my imagination and that the friend would still be there for me no matter what. I tried communication and he was resistant. And I tried again and more resistance. But, hey we were still friends on each other's pages and I felt I at least had that. I felt like an annoying lil puppy seeking for attention. But, I was seeking my friend. We could talk here and there... have lunch rarely but there was a time. Well a few months ago I went on his FB and I was still his friend... but I couldn't see anything he put on his page... he blocked me from viewing him... but I would still see his status on the new feed. I was super mad. So, I didn't block... Instead I wrote and indirect status update: I don't remember verbatim but sometimes this: "I prefer being deleted from your friends than being blocked" I remember writing it because it was truly a message for him. You know step it up... if I mean nothing as a friend it would insult me less to just delete me. It just goes to see how much he thought  of me as a friend. I guess this is where personal views and sure we made some mistakes whatever...  I still love him as my friend and I don't think anything he does or happened between us can change my mind to look at him in a negative way. He was my top 10 follower of 2010. So I just logged on this morning and hey i haven't been on much and was still trying to get the groove of things so I decided to go visit his page and say hello... Surprise, Surprise: He deleted me as his friend. Well about F'n time... I guess he got the "balls" to do it anyways. I do have to say, I feel a little hurt, not surprised as much but saddened that he felt our friend lacked foundation. I guess, I could only try so hard to be a friend before I'm completely kicked to the curb. I tried...And I've written about him in the past but when should a friendship be a one-way highway? I think he realized this also. Out talks at the end were superficial. Maybe it's a heads up... "You have over 500 people as friends in you FB, maybe you should delete the people who don't matter" but, the fact of the matter is that I love those people there.. We went to HS together, College together, were in SAI together, we had a class together and hung out for a few minutes when no one else would... Should we may not be that close but it's a sign that we had something with each other at one point. I don't know if someone understands but that's the way I see it. New flash: Times to get rid of the dead weight!  I hate to do it and never had done it but it's time. I guess Xanga has really opened my eyes... and the friend I spoke to last night also. Just talking about being friends and stuff... And the fact he was the only friend to ask how I was during that time because we wouldn't be talking. It made me cry at how unimportant I am to my friends. Insignificant if you will. Hey we all have busy lives but how can it be? Maybe I'm being selfish or maybe it's the distance I personally created throughout the years or maybe it was because I've at home watching over my mom and my son that everybody felt I was too poor to hang out or contribute. Whatever!!!! This just makes my mind so much more clear that I do want to leave California. It's a thought I've had for years and year since I was little. What's being isolated in another state... just a new start where nobody knows you anyways or would care for that matter. It would be the same but less painful because I would have to see or feel like I was missing out on something. Sure, I would maybe visit and maybe then they would feel gracious for a long distant visit but I doubt it. And this is what my friend is afraid of too... that I would isolate my self and stop talking to him. That we would become strangers... I don't know right now maybe my mind is hazy from feeling a lil broken hearted with friends or should I even say friends and label everybody "an acquaintance" maybe it would hurt less.... *sigh*

So now that I was on FB the first person who i wrote on their wall is a close friend... I've known him personally the shortest but he's definitely one of my closest male friends. Actually the one person I can trust who will speak honestly without reserves. We are just tight like that. We can openly talk about anything and give each other advice. The only person I feel comfortable telling me bad words haha because he's just a funny guy. He knows how to be silly and make me laugh. We know each other pretty well and it coincidentally happens that we're both Capricorns so that made us understand each other even more. The only friend who actually texted me just because I wasn't on FB and wanted to see how I was doing.

So we were catching up and talking about what has happened in the last few weeks to this weekend to---  you know... anything that would make the headlines of your personal newspaper. Well, it got pretty intense. He was trying to convince me otherwise of something and well we're both very stubborn people. He said he teared up but then when we were talking about isolation and some thing being not fair... I started thinking of what my life has been. And it really hit me and I started crying. I admittedly told him. He wasn't hurting my feelings but he then realized that he was being a lil selfish but he thought he can lose me as a friend. So he tried to cheer  me up... (an insider between him and I) and it was a youtube video.... he said he would always remember me with it... haha so I watched... and yea I started crying... called him a jerk but started laughing shortly after. We can push each other's buttons haha... he was literally yelling at me through FB chat... capital letters and all... But, it felt good to talk to a friend. I can't easily get things off my chest but with him it's like I am talking to myself haha... but he's more extroverted than I am. Sometimes there are things that need to be discussed that just can't be openly discussed. Goodness. How I love the internet. We've texted here and there and he even calls but that's what best friends do.  So many songs I know are songs he recommended. I love new songs from many different friends. It just makes me happy you suggest a song based on the music I like. He was making dinner for his gf so I let him go.

On a great note, I have a new friend on FB. very happy. I don't think he's fond of Facebook but it makes me happy to have 'im there...