I enjoy going to mass every sunday morning. The three of us go … Johnson @cucumber_melonhead , my son and I …

Don’t get me wrong there are times where I’m still confused as the one God and there is Jesus (Son of God) and he is the savior and our God but he’s not because he’s sitting at the right hand of the father. I guess the trinity thing just makes my head hurt over and over. And I read and recite the Nicene Creed every sunday and I hope the it helps and it doesn’t when it comes to the trinity. Sure, I shouldn’t even think about it but I can’t help it.

What will happen when my son is of age and starts wondering, how shall I answer him? he’s only 7, but still.

When we go to mass johnson leaves halfway… well doesn’t just leave. He’s dismissed. He started going to RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) courses at the church where I go to mass, of course in case you didn’t know, I’m Roman Catholic.

He’s going to go into his 2nd year. He found something within the church that has brought him closer to God and of course We feel that God brought us together. He helps me understand so many things and I know there will be challenges. But, they should make us stronger and united as long as we keep communication.

The end and starting plan of course is to be married. And if it were just up to the state, I think somehow we might be married or not I don’t know. But, he wants to get married under the church and have the ritual just like I use to want to as a little girl.

Could I have been blessed anymore? I probably doubt it.

A more special man, there is not. Don’t get me wrong he does make me mad at times (And I hope this isn’t the first he finds out, and I know I’m at fault too, since it’s hard for me to express myself at times. I rather cry it out to myself like it’s a tantrum than say something that probably means nothing) … You know I vowed myself to TRY not be a nagging person or say stupid things like things that I always use to see girls get mad with their guys. it looks so stupid. I have found myself being as stupid as they act and sometimes I find it unreasonable so why show it to someone so I keep it to myself… yup I do…

I found out that guys don’t pay attention to somethings anyways… so it’s not all their fault. It’s our fault for sometimes having false expectations. But, is it so wrong, at times… to want more? Maybe it is… because  I’m sure they want more at times but don’t say anything. And they’re not, and so we’re not mind readers either.

I hope I never make anyone feel trapped or burdened.

I always pray for patience and understanding. Goodness, do I need it at times!!!

More importantly I give thanks everyday because without life and the challenges I have, I would be nothing or no one.

It’s been about a month since I had wrote about my son and his possibility of being retained in first grade for a second year. I send a note to  the teacher on friday and she called me back today. I am pleased to say that she has confirmed that he is doing much better in school. His writing and reading has improved. He’s still weak in the subjects but there has been improvement. We’re both hopeful that he might just make it unto the second grade. I’ve been a little more on him. And I know it’s less play but it’s working. It’s tough on me too since I’ve been more tired and exhausted. I definitely look forward to fridays all the time. The end of the school year is almost here .. maybe like 3-4 more weeks or so we gotta keep going strong until the end. I’m going to have to keep him busy over the summer as well. It will  do him some well. He seems like he’s starting to like books more again. This makes me happy.

I also signed up today for first aid/ CPR class… I hope this will help me seek out some employment at the school districts not counting the finger printings I have to do. I need something and no matter what I have to as a job. I pray to god that this will be a start. this was preventing me from some jobs are school sites but I couldn’t afford it then. I have hope… I have hope… *crossing fingers* I’m pretty desperate. This person is also seeing about helping me get a sub- part time for pre-schools… So I really hope.

This morning I go into my mother’s room and as I’m ready to open my mouth her phone rings. It’s ok, it happens a lot. She gets calls a lot it’s part of her business. But, I don’t know what it is today. I’m just feeling I don’t know what I feel today. I guess a little sad, like last night I felt a little un-noticed for the first time and I didn’t know what to think or feel. It just felt something.  routine already. a little disappointed.

I go in to talk to my mom and she’s busy again. maybe attention or someone to listen to me, I don’t know anymore… I wanted to tell her about about a book the bf left me and I looked into the cpr class I need and the cost…. Once the phone rang I didn’t matter anymore.

A couple hours later, I hear her in the kitchen and once again determined I go. And she is still on the phone with the same person. I finally tell her about the class and she says I have the money to do it. So I told her for the misunderstanding with the school district again and not getting my stipend. She said that I could get a lawyer. There’s no case for $600-800… they forgot to put I’m staff so no money… I didn’t know what I wanted her to say but the more she talked the more I ended up getting upset that she put me second. Maybe I’m being selfish.

She asked why I was upset. So I told her I wasn’t upset. So she asked why I was upset at her? I was thinking it and I was going to tell her that she always puts her phone first. I didn’t, I couldn’t … I just left. Maybe I’m too hard on everything.

/Clearing my head.

just needed to cry…