Month: May 2013

  • My son is going to 2nd

    So for those of you you who have been around and gave me advice I want to say thank you and I appreciate. My son has been promoted to the 2nd grade and I couldn’t be happier. I still have work to do but I’m happy he is given the chance. He was working harder and he’s reading better. Now that must continue for more success. 

     

    I’m happy I got the news yesterday with his report card. 

     

    I’m still saddened about the situation of Xanga but what can we do? I will surely miss this place. But, I can say it has brought me a lot of peace when I was able to express myself and more importantly it brought me the love of my life to me. Too bad we wont be able to post about it in the future but this place brought many gifts to us and I will always appreciate this place for that. 

  • Nothing’s wrong mind you…

     But something I get these thoughts and I know they’re not nice or good… I try fighting them making and them go away. I’ve been hiding them them forever. It’s like they just don’t want to leave me. Lately they’ve been worse and I feel so guilty. It burns my inside. I’m trying harder.

    All I see is myself at the end of the edge just waiting to leap. It feels like everything will be all better that way. But, then I wonder for who. you know? I just feel like lately I do is put people down, like my mood is disappointing and I’m hating myself for it. I feel needy but who likes that so I repress. I feel a bit anxious too. I’m overwhelmed with myself. It sometimes feel like if I go, everybody would be relieved. it’s not like anybody really remembers. But, let’s be honest I’m not those kinds of people. I just need a release, and nothing gives it to me. I use to cut to make me feel better from this place but I can’t even do that. There isn’t a place I can hide. I don’t need time off, I don’t need to go away but useless sometimes.

    You gotta love these hormones lately. I pity when I feel this way. It’s like being on the outside looking in with disgust. All I really want is a drink. I just want to see why other’s drink to feel better. I don’t want to get drunk though. I wont buy alcohol though. I don’t like buying stuff really.

    My mind is tired of talking to itself. It’s going around in circles it doesn’t have clarity at the moment.

    I’m a grownup everything is suppose to make sense. Everything is suppose to be together already. As I get older I feel I’m losing control and I feel more like a child. Like with age I’m losing wisdom.

    I wake up so many times at night. During the day, time flies… my life is running away… Am I really alive at the moment?

    I should really be grateful for life. I have a beautiful son, a loving and caring boyfriend… I have 2 arms and legs … I get to teach my passion a couple times a month. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? Why do I feel this way…

    Why do the tears not stop at times. Maybe, it’s because it’s night time?

    Other times I really really want a baby… I actually find myself wanting a child for the first time in my life.

    Then, I wonder why would I want to … I feel selfish thinking about the future. Then I fight myself back and forth. The really wanting a child wins but I don’t know … I know I wont be alone. But, I’m afraid of being alone again.

    This must all be normal. I don’t know… *sigh*

    Why  does my brain do this… Sometimes it feels like it masks my weakness with strength… I’m not strong at the moment. If somebody were to ask me to explain further, I’d be stumped. I have no explanation for feeling worthless. I just do. i have no reason for wanting to end it, I just have a reasons not to. How can I feel so my discontent when life is beautiful and I see happiness in everyday… That’s what I dont get. Why?

    And why do I sometimes still feel alone? Am I doing something wrong?

    It seems like my heart is racing less so maybe i’m feeling better, for now.

     

  • I use to be so competitive when I was young. I was not skinny or too athletic but it would never have stopped me to try and have a lil one on one… I had friends who excelled in school so I naturally tried harder. I wanted to come close to their brain capacity. I was ok and kept at it to not stay behind. Competition with them and myself and strive.

    I excelled in many ways. I was young so goals were small. I beat them all at the driving test and driving permit. How many did you miss? They were boys… of course they wanted to make sure they knew more than I did. But, when it came down to paper at that point it didn’t matter. I felt triumphant. In music many seeked my help and nothing like blowing up my shy, weird, always wearing black, being made fun of by others, self… I didn’t care then.Well, i did but then my innocent self who craved love and understanding felt she was forever alone and i understood that then. I wanted small things in life. Well I did want love and to be wanted. But who doesn’t.

    There was certainly one thing I beat many of my friends. I certainly lost my virginity first and not only that. I was the first to have my very own child, the first to lose hope and get lost. The first to have to grow up, the first to learn the hard way and the first to find herself being dead weight among her friends. 

     

    I was the first to lose hope, to be lost and the first again to feel forever alone. It was a funny joke life through at me but I wasn’t laughing. I silent most of my life crying in dismay. I learned many things in life , maybe not the hardest way but, in a not so easy manner. The lessons learned have taught me a lot And one thing for sure is for others to avoid this. 

     

    Its avoidable pain. Well maybe it’s not. I don’t know. I’m glad I’ve learned a lot and I have more. 

     

    I still feel lost in life. I met the small goals in life and they took me no where. Feel a victim of certain circumstances but not due to my son that no matter what, was a choice. I hope one day I find another passion that will actually lead me to success. My passion now is A money less investment but a love no less. With the love I have in my life I know everything will fall in place. I pray the economy gets even more so better.