Five almost 6 years ago after so much work and dedication I managed to graduate from a private university after 4 years. Mind you it was a real struggle. The minorities in this country for the minority in this school but it was ok. I loved the campus, it’s beautiful. I cried to finish and get out in time. It was hard work and many sleepless night and juggling of job, personal life and school work. I did have to drop my other major with happened to be Psychology but even if I would have gotten it. it would be useless right now anyways. (I’ll come back to this) 

See At the end of my sophomore year. I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and alone and didn’t have anywhere to turn. The only people who knew were my close friends in school. I know they feared for me too. At that moment in life, I felt the roof coming down on me. I felt like my life had ended. I suppose I’m glad that it didn’t and I have a precious boy. But, there were so many struggles. I had to sometimes take the newly born child to class to take him to his dr appointments. I had myself only to rely. I was a single mother. And, it was tough. I don’t  know how I got through much of it but I thank God that he and my family helped watch over the small innocent child. I hardly slept but it was my burden to bear. I didn’t even have a chance to live. But, why should I? I needed to finish school… I needed to start getting my degree to work on my favor. 

When the exit interview happened I was so relieved to be done, I didn’t want to go to the graduation. I felt as though a college graduation was a lot less important that what the high school graduation felt like but it was  obviously more important. 

I went to graduation for my family and I was never so relieved to walk and be done with this. I was happy. I was. 

then there was no work and there was the pressure of not having a job and school loans were due. 

I started hearing about friends getting their degrees in the mail or diploma… what ever that’s called. I got sad. I never got mine. I started thinking to myself… what if I really didn’t graduate. I was living in this fear. It was agonizing so I lived with it. I wanted it but I didn’t know what to do. 

A few days ago, a  friend told me she was getting this job that would train her. She just needed to show her transcripts to have taken some classes. She said since I work with students now that I would probably be paid higher. It seems appealing and not too bad. 

I called my University and talked to them about my diploma and transcripts and they said they can’t release them because I owe money. I graduated but not done. 

I don’t have a job and I can’t get a better or a little higher paying job because I can’t use my diploma. I wont get hired in a stupid minimum. I need to pay like $11,000 until they will release my Diploma or any transcripts. Can you imagine how long it will take me pay that off?  Then I can get a more worthy job that I worked so much of my life for? Maybe, I suppose…. 

Teachers where I work have insisted me to become a sub. I took the test once. And didn’t pass *sad face* I wanted to take it again so I can start getting paid and take care of my loans. I need to take care of those and then I looked up the requirements. I need to turn in transcripts … well I’m stumped. I can’t do a single thing what will give me decent money without copies of what I did in college. 

Talk about a kick in the face when you’re already feeling down. There is nothing I can do but accept the fact that I’m in  the same position as a student who just graduated from High school. I only have that Diploma as proof. 

I think a higher power hates me a little and tries to cover it up in different ways. Or I don’t know. I feels like there’s no way out of this. This means I’ll probably be 40 when I can finally go to grad school or something. 

I thought a higher education was suppose to make your life easier not worse. I don’t know. I guess this is where you know who prevails in those situations and why people without money are conscious now not to go to school. The rich wonder why we can’t go to school, they hold our degrees hostage. It’s ok I suppose I guess I should have been smart enough to follow my dream. So stupid and naive for this mexican girl who knew nothing about life choose to follow her heart. I think that if I wouldn’t have gone to college I’d be in the same place and probably better because I wouldn’t have all this debt at least. 

I’m so out of words. I feel happy one moment and sad the next. I know this doesn’t matter to any of you and there is nothing that can be done. I guess I’m the only one that can cheer myself up but I can’t right now. I’m just so emotional. I feel so unhappy and sad. I want to not feel like this but I don’t know how. 

I want to do more but I don’t know how. 

I suppose that:

I suppose I can have no money at all. I suppose I would have done my dream and I wouldn’t have wonderful students to teach. I suppose that I wouldn’t have an impact on any kids at all. I’m sure things can be worse. I can be out of the street. Have no transportation.  

Maybe I should think of these but *sigh*

Time is flying and the time is nearly ending since we all know the world is going to end in 23 days. Well haha yea I’m sure. 

I’m not like those emotional girls… who… wait… yea I am or try not to be. Many things make me cry. Sometimes I hide it and sometimes I don’t. It all depends on my self-restraint or how hard I can hold it. But, my throat sometimes hurts a lot when I do but I can’t quite let it out. Sorry I’m not quite writing on crying. 

I’m 27 right now. 27 years old. I don’t know what it is about the number but it keep striking at me. In about a month or so a the following monday after the New Year has started I will be of a new age. I know birthdays come and go and they’re no big deal. Well they shouldn’t be a big deal in a sense. Age is nothing but a number and it’s truly meaningless but the time you’ll been on this planet. Most people haven’t even experience happiness or self fulfillment or enlightenment most of their poor lives. Or they lives with many limits. Most people are walking dead zombies. Sad … As I approach this new year for me. I can’t help but to feel depressed. I am now in my late 20s and all I could see is 30… I don’t know where the years have gone. But, I feel robbed of the last 10 years of my life. 

Everytime I think of my 28 birthday. I can’t help but to cry. I feel horrible. I know my life hasn’t been robbed. It’s been these last 10 years who have made me who I am. But, I feel like a failure. I feel like I have accomplished nothing. 

Sometimes I feel like my life has been a prison. So many years wanting to get out that the moment I do I wouldn’t know what to do that I’ve want back in to the only thing I’ve known. 

The worst part is that I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know what I want to do with life. 10 years ago I was so sure of myself. I knew what I wanted and what I needed to do. Now, I have nothing. Sometimes I feel horrible I’m locked up most of the time in my room most of the day. My mom wont yell at me to do anything anymore. I’ve mostly done it all so there’s nothing to do. I feel blah. 

I want a job. I want… after such a long time. I’m sure there is more I can do. But, where I live is where I would want. And I haven’t found anything. Sometimes because I feel I can’t get anything it makes me hate me because I can’t. How can I, if I have a degree, I have some experience and nobody or anywhere I’ve applied gives me a job or even a chance… 

Maybe this is my winter depression time or I don’t know. Sometimes I just feel like I need more alone time but that’s how I’m mostly alone. I think I need more people around me but I don’t think I can take it always. 

I do feel somewhat better until I start thinking at a later time. 

I’m just cold. 

Don’t get me wrong. I know there is so much to be thankful for. I should be happy and not to be an ingrate. Everyday is a gift. But, how do you stop feeling like this? How do you get more interests? How do you make yourself be happy? How do you not affect everyone around you until you can figure your shit out? Why does sometimes money make the world go ’round yet most of the world survives without it, and struggle with it and with none. Why is life unfair to most? why 

why? 

why?

God, gave us freewill. If we’re all equal why isn’t the system equal? Why is there still class system And why are wages for the hard workers less than those who hardly work and only play?

I guess it’s the way it’s suppose to be. I suppose we’re suppose to learn humility and all that none sense. 

Anyways…. That’s enough of my ramblings for one night. I do feel much better though. Thank you if you read me… if not then it never really mattered anyways…. 

Here we all already running late on Thanksgiving morning. We woke up late…. Although last night’s dinner was wonderful!

We’re rushing to the store for a couple last minute items. Just a few things to make sure everything will end up perfect.  We’re in and out as fast as we could. We get home and start the prepping. I’m thinking even sleeping in until * was not enough but should have woken up early. The turkey is ready for the oven and it was nearly 12 and we’re already starting to delay the anticipation of when the dinner will be ready. 

I had just cleaned the oven and we’re ready. I turn it on. And Johnson puts in the turkey… 

It was cold and hadn’t heated up. 

I try and remember how the gas people turned it on and we try but it wasn’t working. I call my dad and he said he’d be home in 30… gosh another 30 mins of delay. My dad comes home and everything he does is fruitless. 

I stat panicking most of the stuff needs to go on the oven and it’s not working. I had just used it a few days ago and it was fine. 

Thankfully my sister and law wasn’t in her home and she allowed us to use her oven while she was at her mother’s. I had to send my brother to get the key. We finished prepping as he comes. We go to her place and didn’t get the turkey in until like 2:20. That definitely meant dinner would not be ready at 5pm like we thought at first. 

long story short… lol 

turkey finished at like 8pm we had a ham also… left it in the oven took all the food home. We at dinner and headed back like around 10ish to get the ham. We were all stuffed  and we didn’t get to touch dessert either. So much work, so much food. 

I also thought more family was going to show up but sadly no one did. So much food for nothing but it was good though. Love it very much. It was the first time I had ever had a turkey dinner with all the works at my home. 

I guess all it work it. Full stomachs mean happy people, I suppose. Right?! That’s what we were told when we were little. I don’t know if that’s the truth anymore. But, that was a small mild stone in the road. A challenge we weren’t expecting to deal with. But all in all it all worked out. 

Hope you all had a wonderful day filled with joy and family. We all gave thanks and I’m glad we did. It was a nice evening. We all slept like babies. 

In reality we all are very ungrateful people. We all complain about everything and how hard things are but in reality we never think about everything we do have and what other’s don’t have the ability to have. We are ungrateful people and don’t even realize it.  

This past weekend Johnson and I saw Maria Full of Grace and even though the movie brought so many topics into my mind like life, love related, single-motherhood, drug trafficking, immigration, coming to a country to have a baby for more opportunities, but the fact was that one thing kept coming into mind…. 

There so many people that live in other countries and don’t have the luxury to even the simple things we are so use to having nowadays like phones, toilets in the building, clothes, shoes, food, and even though we don’t have jobs I’m sure you have more money not having a job then some people in some countries who do have jobs and make nothing per week and yet that covers what the family needs for supplies and food. 

A couple weeks ago I was listening to the radio and they were bringing water awareness of sanitation around the world and how many people die around the world because they don’t have proper restrooms and sanitation. I think that is one of the things we may take for granted. It actual made me remember when I was young, like 8 years ago I went to Mexico and there was no restrooms. Well actually there might be a few here and there but you had to be of money to have some. I stayed with my grandma’s they didn’t have any. That’s the real squatting and it’s no fun. 

As bad as some house are built here there are still regulations and they’re all good for living conditions. How many people in other places do not even have good living conditions. You have many people sharing the one room and other’s sleeping in the kitchen dirt floor. 

Those are a couple of things that I started thinking about and I know that some family is still affected by so it’s not fake it’s realistic. 

Kids these days take schools for granted. How many kids in other countries still wishes they were able to have the education they want. I know my mom didn’t have the opportunity to go to school. Hey, but she is not dumb or stupid. 

We take for granted the fresh air, we throw away food just because we don’t want it anymore. And I bet you there would be a poor kid in some other country just wishing he found that to feed himself and who knows if another sibling. 

What have you taken for granted this year? What are you Thankful for?

Count your blessings and be thankful for everything you have!!!!

I’m sure you have worked hard for it but there are many people around the world who just don’t have the same luck. They just happened to have been born there or just happen to not be as lucky as you. 

Aren’t we lucky we were born here? I’m sure that if we weren’t we would have wanted to…. 

Others in other countries do say that We ARE the COUNTRY of opportunities!! Even though the hard times, why do you think they think that? And how bad must they be in to think that?!?!

 Be grateful you have the ability to shower everyday. You have electricity and gas… running water…what else? 

And you know what? The sad thing is that it’s not only about other countries either. We have that here in the US? How about  you spread the love and help someone in need out. Times are hard for all but a little something of food here and there goes a long way. And it will make you feel better to give. Giving is the best act of love there. Love thy neighbor! 

Divorce has always had it’s negative connotations when it comes to keeping a family together. And I use to think that divorce is the worse thing in the world. As I have come to mature with age which is not vbery much since I am only 27, a single mother and unwed, I don’t see divorce as such a bad thing. Hold on first let me explain something first. I suppose as a person, if I had to divorce seeing how I have never been married it would feel as a small failure but seeing a bystander view of others sometimes it’s important for that ability to be available. 

When I was young I use to wonder what was wrong with me. I was never the looker and in my opinion I’m still not. or worse I’m less than a looker than I was back in the day. I had my own personal issues I kept to myself and sure like many girls I longed for a special someone. 

Like many idiots, we would look at the cute looking guy who was into sports and would never give the time of the day to someone who wasn’t popular. I crushed on friends who were nerdy and many girls didn’t notice them until suddenly brainy was sexy. 

After high school I found out many artsy and sporty people did find me attractive in HS… but of course they never did anything about it. 

Anything they were years too late… perspective of men had slowly been molding with interaction of them during the years. 

it’s what life of many  people is about. 

If you don’t look the part they’ll get you out of their heart(even if there ever was something existing). I believe half of the people conveniently don’t have hearts unless it’s in their interest. Maybe I’m being presumptuous, maybe not. Truth is truth. Can you tell me the best interest of more men is seeing eye-candy than any other interest in comparison to us Ugly girls who rather have a smart, witty guy.  

it’s shallow and their right, I suppose. 

It actually angers me, pisses me off or what ever you may call it when I hear a guy whine about a chick or girl (or whatever the F*** she is to you or you call her) who wont give him the time of day. See, he may think he’s the cream of the crop but just like he is shallow and looking at appearance and how her body looks…. you sir just might not be all she wants. And your whiny-ness makes it worse. 

Personality is very important. or maybe how you act or how we see you treat women. I realize we can’t tell this the moment we meet you but there are always signs. I’m not the best person with signs but his actions and body language is definitely a defining point. 

I had a teacher in high school give us girls as sophomore hs students advice. He said, look at how he treats his sisters and mother and you will know how he will treat you in the long run. I thought it was strange but the more I see men the more I notice their behavior and think of that wise teacher. 

There are many nice guys and nice girls who get ruined by the opposite sex and their shallowness. Those who do the damage, do the rejecting end up subconsciously forcing others to change. You wonder why all the good people are gone? Yes/ no/ maybe so? You’re probably responsible for converting a nice guy/girl into the thing that you’re going to wish you had in the future. But, sadly there are ocassions where some people learn to be that way by the examples of their promiscuous older brothers and fathers/ sisters or mothers. The damage can be done so early in age that the child is naturally prejudice. His perspective damaged even before he had a choice.  

Kids learn to act based on how their role models act and sometimes that worries me. People don’t choose old fashion role models anymore. The role models come from the media. The media embedding into their little minds how men should  dress, what kind of girls they should be picking, what they should change from their bodies, that surgery is acceptable. That they’re born wrong. That they’re aren’t beautiful. 

Basically that everything you have is ugly. It’s sad what this world has come to but there are no nice people out there anymore. Everybody competing for everything. Now you see beautiful women with ugly minds and hearts.

All it brings is low self esteem to be able to be manipulable by the whole world and well old men who think they know it all, like the government. They feel we should let them regulate everything and we would be ok. 

We should accept that it’s okay if we don’t get married. It’s ok to be safe and have sex. It’s ok to have a child and not be shunned by the world and if they do well let them fuck themselves, you don’t need them. Life goes on. It’s better to be happy than live a miserable life with people who will only bring you down. 

Everybody is beautiful the way they are. Stop picking those “bad boys” who call you names and excite you for the moment, it can only get worse from that. Be happy, and share that happiness with those who deserve the best from you not those that treat you like crap and deserve nothing. You should be with a person you deserves you and you deserve him/her. 

I’m not too political when it comes to it all. I am into Voting and knowing facts and making sure what we’re getting into is something important as well. I take into view how articulate the people are and how they try to speak to the people. I really don’t like liars or when people get caught in lies because they’re discredited, depending of the context.

I was speaking to this man who was apparently very conservative and he directed me to the movie Obama’s 2016 but unfortunately I still haven’t watched it but I am curious. Now it was obviously we disagreed politically and no matter what we said it was a disagreement which was why he directed me to the movie. He said “every person who votes for Obama is wrong”…. wait what? Who died and made him in charge of what’s right from wrong? But he was basing it on nonsense, his spiels were incoherent. He also stated that because Obama took “God” away from the US the whole country was going to be converted Muslim. Yea, that will be a piece of cake in 4 years after seeing how difficult it was for reforms and more positive changes.

His argument was Obama is for “change.” And the America that “you [I] know will be gone” – his words.

I don’t know about you but I started thinking about the word “change” and to me it was a positive feel. I want change I need Something more.

The America I remember is full of fear, despair, living under false pretenses. But you know what? That’s not the America I want to know. There are parts of history that are embedded into our hearts and minds and daily lives but it’s not how we’re defined as people. I want my peace of mind. I want work, I want my rights, I want to be able to be pro-life because I choose to be (and not like China where you can have 2 kids only) I don’t want women to feel victimized or their freedom taken away. I don’t believe in abortion but you can’t force in come cases to be condoned. It’s idiotic. It’s your right to have a choice and that’s your voice and how it should be. No government should have that much control over us.  I want for people to stop being selfish and start thinking of the country’s future which is the kids. Stop taking funding from the schools. We need smarter kids not stupider who only join the military because there’s nothing else out there. We need to give hope to kids. We need to let them dream again. We need to tell them they could be anything they want if they keep reading and if parents read to their kids everyday, and they learn math and language skills and how to be courteous with others. If kids join the military it’s because that is their calling and they chose their path and they have their plans. Not everybody can be one thing because we need people to go to college and become Doctors and nurses and computer science techs and parents, and teachers and etc…

People have gotten so much into its a “me world” they’re selfishly looking out for number 1 and let the world fuck itself over. This mentality needs to change. Parents need to give credibility to the teachers or have an open mind instead of I’m ready to attack for any stupid thing. If you know how your kids are why blame the teacher, she/he is only doing the best interest of the child. But for the same reason no person/teacher has the right to tear away a dream or tell someone they can’t do something. That’s where the life of a kid goes wrong.

We as people need to nurture the future and help mold them into great citizens. Citizens that will vote for what they believe. Its our responsibility to make this possible. A president as much as he has power he can’t do all the changes without the cries and pleas of the people. We need to make sure we’re doing our part.

This is how I will not get the America I use to know but the America I want for my kid. Civic duties are important and stop complaining you have jury duty.. do you prefer one person choose your fate or a group of your peers as the law states?

I can’t believe it’s been a year already…

A year ago this lonely girl found herself disappointed with life. The work day didn’t go well. A dinner with friends and a meet-up with a friend all back fired. I found myself feeling like the biggest disappointment in the world. Maybe we all have those days or we don’t I don’t really know but I felt like no one in the world wanted me.

A quick xanga chat changed that up for me really quickly. And you know what I’m happy and blessed it did. I was scared and untrusting… it’s my nature. I told myself what the heck, sure why not…

And I met him … 

@cucumber_melonhead … Can’t believe we met a year ago, today! 

I met the love of my life, on an evening 11-02-11 

I wasn’t sure was could happen if anything. I just knew he kind of liked me. I guess I picked up on his hints. I guess you just never know where you’re going to meet a person that will impact you. And if I have it correctly he’s impacted me more than anyone has in my whole life already.  Well almost haha with the exception of my son… he was definitely a huge impact. Anyways, I was mainly prepared for friendship. God knows how many fail attempts at trying to create relationships and instead finding wrong people who didn’t have good intentions. I’ve had many unhappy moments and my biggest fear is/was hurting people like many have hurt me. It wouldn’t be fair.

I’m usually quiet and sort of shy or was… he said I spoke a lot… maybe I was nervous and couldn’t bare the awkward moments so for once in my life I tried to avoid them. In my mind I was secretly wondering what he was thinking or what he thought of me. Oh well thoughts are always racing all the time.  The mall closed early or it felt like so and I didn’t want to leave. Time was just flying too quickly. I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with me.   

After that we saw each other every week and texted everyday. And you know what. I don’t think that has stopped yet. There have been some instances but it’s life and we can’t control the whole world but do our best to cope with what we have. To this moment, I never knew I could be this happy. I owe all to him and who he is. 

He has gained my trust like no one in the world. He knows everything about me and for once in my life, I’m not scared about that. I guess it feels nice not having to always keep everything until I blow. Besides he knows not to hurts me haha I have 2 bros one is a Marine and the other is about to be. haha jk hun! I can win for myself.  

Anyways, this is how we started and how we met. He’s earn every way into my heart and the heart of my family. Johnson is a wonderful person and man. I can truly say I’ve never met anyone like him and hope I will never have to search for someone like him. He’s a needle in a haystack and I was fortunate to have met him after well into 26 years of my life… made my whole 27th year a special year. He became my best friend, the man I would love to someday spend the rest of my life with, and for my son to continue learning as much as he has with the love and support of a man. They love each other and that itself always brings happiness, tears of joy and well anything merry you can’t think of. 

My son is a tough cookie and he fell. Shows us he’s a good person. No one ever even had a chance with my boy except for Johnson! 

What can I say? I guess it’s hard when you feel life is great. Don’t get me wrong there are ups and downs but that’s the amazing part. Even the downs don’t seem to bad when you know that you’re healthy, your kid is happy, healthy and does his homework and we don’t have a complaint in the world.

Sunday my mom hired this photographer they’re the ones who make the glamour shots but she and my grandmothers were the only ones who got their make up done. Well I know what I don’t like on my face but that wasn’t the reason for the pictures. My brother happened to have finished his training in Florida and is about to head to a Marine Base in North Carolina. His wife is about to have their second baby and my other brother his twin is about to leave for boot camp in a month. Realistically speaking the family will be hardier and harder to put together. Not to mention my grandmothers are older now. Dad’s mom is 81 and my mom’s mom is 79. They look good but life is weird sometimes. We didn’t want to risk anything and this was our first family picture in a decade well with us kids and our parents. I’m glad my mom made it possible.

This week was also Halloween. My sis took my son to pick out a costume. He was a ninja. I took my son and my nephew. My sister in law ended up going too, I was hoping she’d rest since she’s very close to having her other baby but we all had fun. We took the kids around.
Houses are getting farther and farther away in giving candy. So we didn’t take them to fill their bags but to enjoy some nice old fashion trick-o- treatin. Even if parts of our church calls is the devils birthday or people get couped up with weird shit. I took them out with my supervision. And had fun. Came home and slept. Those are happy moments.