May 15, 2011

May 14, 2011

  • 30 day challenge: My sibling: Day 4

    Day 4 — Your sibling

    These things are getting harder... I don't know what I got myself into... 

    I have three sibs but 

    Sis, 

    You don't know how much you mean to me... You don't like the mushy stuff. You wont even let me tell you I love you or much less say it back to me but I know you say it to the rest of the family, sometimes it hurts a little. I don't say anything because I rather hurt myself than you, to feel bad about it. I know I can express myself with words but in forms of letter to you tell you how I feel... the only ones I've ever given to you are your birthday card ones, you  cry. At least I can sometimes tell you. 

    I have always looked up to you. You're younger by 2 years but you never cared what others thought, in fact you've always been the social one. You were allowed to go out, clubs, have parties at home with drinks, stay out, sleep over with friends and you were hardly told anything. Sometimes I would just say anything to cover you or protect you. I guess it's sad to say but I was always a little  jealous. You had the freedom and I always felt trapped.  Not only trapped at home but trapped within  myself. You are beautiful and I'm not so much... you're skinny and I can never be who you are... I can still remember when you were embarrassed to be my sister, we were in high school. I was always the odd one, yea I admit it but depression led me down that road and only having myself to fight with myself was not easy. You once told me never to talk to you in school, and I respected your wishes and stayed out of your way.

    I guess you've wondered why I was always so alone but never really thought about it. A while ago you were wondering what was going on in my personal life and I spilled everything that was going on... later you were having a bad day and I asked...him you had finally taken an interest in my life I thought a new relationship was maybe starting... I was a lil wrong... You brushed me off with, "nothing" ... So now you ask why I am so "happy" and frankly I don't want feel like feeling heart broken so I've decided not to tell you. I figured when the time is right it shall bee right enough to tell you. I keep asking how you are in hopes that one day you'll actually tell me how you feel. I guess It just feels I am less you family than everybody else you have around you. But, you know what I still feel like I try to do anything to impress you but nothing is ever good enough. I guess it's part of who I am and I pretend I don't care... I hate it when you and the other sibs get together and say things... it's all in fun but it's not to me... It hurts inside and it's 3 sometimes 4 against one... I guess I can't openly say how I feel because you guys will immediately deem me to emotional or start joking around about me being emo and cutting myself... I guess if you guys all really knew what  it felt to feel how I felt growing up you would change your perspective. 

    I love you and it's okay you don't understand but maybe if you tried a little more you would...after all we grew up together. I know you were little but since we were little you picked on me... in fact I always got in trouble. You were always mom's favorite and even to this day. The only thing that makes her sad is that you wouldn't stay with her to help her out or even have the patience to stick it through. I admit it's not easy and it's not because I have more patience but I try and relate as much as possible. I try to consider what they feel and I would do the same to you and our bros. I just wished you guys all 3 understood me more and even realized the pressure I have. But, it's ok I know you don't have to either and I was sort of the one left to handle this and I took it as my responsibility. 

    Just know I will always be there for you no matter what... when you need me for anything... ok I love you! You will always be my little sis and I will always run to your aid! 

    Your Big Sis

    (I'm sorry this was a lil hard to write... So I haven't reread if there are mistakes) 

     

    *******************************************

    Day 1 - Your Best Friend

    Day 2 — Your Crush
    Day 3 — Your parents
    Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
    Day 5 — Your dreams
    Day 6 — A stranger
    Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
    Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
    Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
    Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
    Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
    Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
    Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
    Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
    Day 15 — The person you miss the most
    Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
    Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
    Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
    Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
    Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
    Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
    Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
    Day 23 — The last person you kissed
    Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
    Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
    Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
    Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
    Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
    Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
    Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

May 13, 2011

  • Friday the 13th

    It's a friday the 13th Mes Amis, 

     

    Don't let black cat walk in front on you

    Don't walk under a ladder

    Don't step on cracks

    ... etc ... there are so many...  It only leads to BAD things HAPPENING!!!

    LOL... jk I just added some superstitions I remember hearing when I was little... 

     

    Don't think bad  luck... think good luck

     

    In Fact luck doesn't even exist... 

     

    Bad things happen (sometimes) when you're so negative that you expect them ... If you forget about it or don't realize the day will be just as ordinary winky

     

    Find out more info on these wonderful Fridays and when you'll see it in the next months and years. Click here!! 

    I'm not superstitious... But I hope everything goes well today! laughing

     

     

  • D4:7things that cross my mind a lot

    Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. 

    1. Sex - yea it does. I'm human and It crosses my mind a lot... I don't act on it but sometimes I wonder if people think of it as much as it crosses my mind, so weird!!!! 

    2. Music- Notes as constantly running through my head... quarter notes, eight notes, sixteenth notes, scales, music in general, just pieces of music- sheet music... I see it, I hear it, instruments and what they sound like and they would sound if they played out of range (I do it in my head), voices... high, deep, mid range... What people sound like talking and how they would like being an instrument or if they were an instrument where in the band would they be, Personality of music as it pertains to people... (That would be an awesome psych course/major laughing) I should so go back and continue with my original dream of Music Psychology... 

    3. Insecurities- "Will I ever be good enough?" 

    4. Job- Constantly thinking of what I can do, what I'm qualified, I'm not... what I would like to try

    5. Money- I'm broke so it's constantly on my mind... or what I can do with what I got... 

    6. Future- I'm always thinking of where I'm going, if I'm going anywhere, What I will be doing in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 20 yrs, 40 yrs, 50 yrs...  I'm curious... I'm too undecided towards my future so its up for grabs;I want to do everything... I feel like an "undecided" undergrad except I have a music degree now... I want to conquer the world but that's where I get stumped... I guess you can say I have many talents and I could do them all but picking is hard and then knowing you'll be successful, Sometimes, I want to become a chef, other times I want to go get a Masters in Business, or I want to get another undergrad, and teaching credential then a Masters in School Administration and become a principal, or just get my certificate to translate and go to courts or help out at hospitals, or even massage therapy certificate... I know I can do that as well... So many things... or I like to also do clerical work... maybe a minor in math or accounting... 

    7. Marriage- I wonder if I will ever marry, if I'll be happy, if I can make somebody happy, If I'll make a good wife or bad wife, if we will have communication, support, or if I don't get married will I be lonely, what will happen, where would this define where I go... 

     

    I know some of these I should let them go but honestly... I'm sure I think of so many other's too... these were the first few that popped in my head within a min or so... I'm constantly thinking and thinking and thinking... sometimes I wish I can turn off my brain for an hour but then I think of what I would be missing in my thoughts or the thoughts of others... I feel like a sponge something absorbing... 

     

     

     

     

    Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. 
    Day Two: Nine things about yourself. 
    Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. 
    Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. 
    Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
    Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever.) 
    Day Seven: Four turn offs. 
    Day Eight: Three turn ons. 
    Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now. 
    Day Ten: One confession.

  • Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

    Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

    These are of course in no order... And  they were tough to think about and I probably miss something but if I don't do it I probably wont ... haha (these are all things that I would also do in return) 

    1. I love talking... Keep me talking, show me interest and let me into your brain, let me see what you're talking about... I love to witness you're intelligence.

    2. Show me you're more interested in me as a person than what I can do for you.

    3. Accept me for who I am... flaws and all

    4. Love me! And I truly mean love me, show me... the little things mean more than you can imagine... I don't always need to hear you love me but show it to me... 

    5. Show me I would be irreplaceable to you... I know we're all replaceable but you know what I mean...

    6. Don't give up on me... 

    7. Let me love you...

    8. Take Charge!

     

     

     

    ************************************

    Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. 
    Day Two: Nine things about yourself. 
    Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. 
    Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. 
    Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
    Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever.) 
    Day Seven: Four turn offs. 
    Day Eight: Three turn ons. 
    Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now. 
    Day Ten: One confession.

     

May 12, 2011

  • 30 day challenge: My Parents: Day 3

    Mom and Dad, 

    I know you guys have gone through some rough moments in life and quite frankly have drags us along for the ride as well. To be honest you guys have put a little too much effort in almost making sure know whats going on so when my life was so chaotic and falling apart... I would dwell on what what going on with you guys, a bigger personal heartbreak. Sometimes I wonder if because I do a lot of the work to keep up, you guys are still together... or if you stay together because I live with you guys and it would be disrespectful to each of you leave when I've been there for you both. Sometimes, I just don't want to hear you guys... I wish you would calmly speak and say your peace, 1. without screaming or taking things out of proportion or 2. without closing yourself to what is being said. The are times where I wish I can sit you both and try and talk some sense into you...but It would be fruitless and I don't want to be involve, I just want to walk away and let you fix your issues... I'm not your mom...I'm not going to fix them for you, you have to learn. The only reason I've been single, loner, depressed in my life is because of you guys... Don't get me wrong, I want to do everything to help but so many things have just led to my isolation... It's really time for me to leave. As much as I love you both, I need to fly away and form my own nest. You have both taught me a lot of about marriage. Maybe a lot on what not to do well with a spouce... Communication is a must, understanding, confronting issues instead of running away, pretending will never be ok. 

    Mom, I know you've gone through some tough moments in these last 3 years. First that car accident which was a heartbreak to see you in so much pain but I've been here. And then the discovery of your tumor and that surgery... sad it was tough seeing you be in so much pain in the hospital after the surgery as we had to move away to a place an hour distance away... heartbreaking we couldn't be there every single day. But, I've been here with you. I've given up practically 3 years just to be along side to make sure everything is ok. To do all your work. To run a lil of your business, to take you everywhere you have to go... I let go of many dreams, many needs, I really let go of myself. So it makes me sad when I hear so much criticism. I try and try real hard but surely I need some escapes too. I'm been a good daughter, I don't go out ever or ask for anything. In fact since I'm not making money, I have needs but i prefer to struggle with those on my own. I guess for the moment I'm just happy to have a roof over my head. 

    I'm sorry I wasn't able to do the psychology degree like you wanted, now you're pushing massage therapy, I might we'll see. It's not as easy sometimes when you're heart isn't completely in. But, I'm happy that you finally came around to my music. I would get so sad when I use to put classical music and you hated it. It made me sad when you wouldn't go to my concerts because they gave you headaches. I felt sad when you didn't support my decisions at first. I don't know why you never describe to me how people would look at me or why I felt shame when people did look at me. I'm finally starting to understand but I'm 26, it's kind of late. I could have been smarter but I was always naive. I love you and I expect you to be able to pick up your life slowly and hopefully depend on my dad a lil more because the moment I leave, I don't want to feel guilty because you make me feel guilty. I want to be happy because I'm going to have my own life. I think I've done more than my duties and I need to pick those up somewhere else. 

    Thank you for all the support with the baby. Although, you could have allowed me a lil bit of freedom so I didn't feel like the pressure was killing me inside. I know it was a choice. I know I had a baby young and while in college but not being able to go out at all even for fresh air for a few minutes was a literal entrapment specially with work and school work... I fried myself and you knew that. You didn't know I sometimes preferred to die than to continue feeling trapped but I went to therapy which actually help me understand you guys as parents. If you only knew that the biggest issues were with you guys not anything else, I found it weird so they didn't let me let off the subject.

    oh and PS... I don't play favorites. As much as you keep accusing my dad is my favorite, I love you both the same. Ok, so he supported me more when I was younger and helped me out and has always gone out of his way, well before. But, he's my dad and you know I was always his lil girl, it doesn't mean I love him more. I just wanted your support too.   

    Dad, 

    Thank you for all the support you have given me since I was little. You truly guide me into music, which I learned to love with a passion. It has truly been a gift you have given me. I loved it when you wanted perfection, when you would hear me practice and hear I was a short of a second off with the metronome and have me  repeat it until I synced. Those were defining moments. Thank you for encouraging my pursuit of happiness which has actually led to unhappiness lol. But it did make me sad you stop going to some college concert, in fact the most important day in my music career, you weren't there... it was the saddest day of my life. You missed my senior recital, the most important day, te day I had been working towards for years and you weren't day... if you only I cried on that day, My dress ripped, my clarinet stopped working....everything went wrong and the only person who knew were my teacher and my friend because we were going to play together. Wish you would have been there. 

    I am sorry I disappointed you when I found out I was pregnant. It truly was a punishment for you not to talk to me. I almost felt disowned which was the first time that mom accepted me a little more. She grew a lil  fo sympathy. You could have been more supportive instead of ignoring me. But, I am glad now that you love my son so much. I guess after those moments we were just never close enough anymore. But, I'm glad you work hard to win my son over... I know it took years... babies feel everything mommy feels when they're inside, even her sadness and rejection. Dad but no matter what I love you. I guess I had to grow up from the daddy's lil girl mentality.

    I do want to say I'm not against you. I've gotten to learn a lot of you through a different perspective. You suddenly became human and not the super hero daddy I use to think you were. Don't get me wrong nothing can ever cause me to feel disrespect but I wish you would tend to my mom's needs a little more. It's not fair that everything I did the last three years was suppose to be your job, not mine. I don't know how you guys thought I was suppose to have so much responsibility and not feel anything and just keep going like a puppet. I know it's hard to understand and I know how hard it was trust me, I did it. But I wonder why you say those marriage vows if you're not going to fully keep up with your agreement with God... "for better and for worse"

     

    To both of you, i suggest you look into your hearts.You hit the 25 year wedding anniversary mark. All your kids and myself being the eldest have all grown up. If we're thrown into the street I'm sure we know how to survive but it's you guys I want to make sure are okay. 

     

    Love you both with all my heart, 

    Reyna E Flores 

     

     

     

    *******************************************

    Day 1 - Your Best Friend

    Day 2 — Your Crush
    Day 3 — Your parents
    Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
    Day 5 — Your dreams
    Day 6 — A stranger
    Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
    Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
    Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
    Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
    Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
    Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
    Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
    Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
    Day 15 — The person you miss the most
    Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
    Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
    Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
    Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
    Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
    Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
    Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
    Day 23 — The last person you kissed
    Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
    Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
    Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
    Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
    Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
    Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
    Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

     

May 11, 2011

  • A happy weekend with family

    There have been many times in the world where I had just felt out of place. When I found this flower once time I was taking a small walk in a hill next to a park I related to her. I wondered Why she was so alone? I wondered why she was the only one lost in chaos... it made no sense that she was alone and nothing around her complimented what she needed in life. It made me sad... not to mention I was mad at the moment, so it made me reflect on my self and life... This is how I feel when I feel alone...

     

    Family is very important to many of us. And sadly we don't always get to spent much time with them. It's a sad part of life but when we do we rejoice... we form one big unity. There is harmony and happiness. We all know that the world isn't going to be  perfect and we know that the family isn't perfect but while whole that special bond with each other we can all be perfect together as one big family... I was walking around the block with my son and we often make small stops sometimes to see ants and this time to see these flowers and it made me think about family and how it's beautiful when they unite and don't fight. Well it also helped that those flowers were beautiful and well my last name "Flores" actually means "Flowers" in English. I relate too everything... And I noticed how there was so much beautiful surrounded by just dirt and plain nothingness. Sometimes we all just have to realize that the surroundings aren't what makes us... we need to make for ourselves regardless of what dirt is around us...

     

     

    Enough of my pics... 

     

    This weekend was nice... It was about family. We actually had family from Minnesota fly in.. although we were all happy to see them we know their trip isn't a very happy trip so we're all trying to be supportive. That night it had been a long time since the "Flores'" had gotten together... I must say most weren't there of course but the ones who always are there were there... we were there and we got to catch up and talk... and hang out... Saw aunts I hadn't in a while some cousins... girl talk, catching, I took advice from my cousin, it felt amazing ... and everything was great. There was food and it was also a small surprise for my lil cousin from MN she just turned 19 .... she wasn't expecting it... The evening went by so fast... and it was the first time they got to meet my nephew. I had been watching him since Friday night... they all just loved him! I was so happy!

    Sunday, was just as amazing... my mom's side of the family came over... well who are in the US except one Aunt... I don't know why she keeps fighting staying away from the family but it's obvious she is starting to feel it... not to mention her husband who is partly responsible for that... She just had a baby in late March and she never told us she was pregnant or that she had the baby... All we went by was rumors.... when she had the baby her husband told one of my mom's aunts ..."mire, ni las sobrinas han venido"... which is "See, not even the nieces have came" ... it made me sad... How do we go if we don't feel welcomed ... and besides they never wanted us to know she was expecting :( Anyways so yea she didn't come, but my other 2 aunts and their families came it was nice the only person missing was my sister... She works double shifts on certain holidays bc she works at a mexican restaurant. oh and my bro who has the baby wasn't here either... but the baby was still with me.  It was a fun filled day... I got up and did  some food... they all ate...They all (also) got to meet my lil nephew... which they all loved... My lil nephew got to meet so much family this weekend it was amazing!  

    Yesterday, was the mother's day that we typically celebrate... May 10th... every year... well it's I guess the Mexican Tradition to do... we didn't do anything... I received a few messages and texts which was nice ... And my sis calls today in the morning asking if we had gotten a package she had been expecting... which we hadn't seen anything... And then it arrived... 

    My sister got this primarily for my mother but also for me heart What a sweetheart!!! A true surprise... wasn't expected at all... But, that's why this weekend was one of the best ever... it happens so rarely. I have cousins in Mexico who want to meet us all... I guess in a few more years we're all going to have to save to make one big Family reunion in Mexico... it's a must!!!!

  • 30 day challenge: My crush: day 2

    Dear Crush, 

    (Well not so crush anymore) blush

    The best part of my day besides talking to you is when you come to my page and comment. Or just say something on my page.I know you're rather reserved but I like that about you. And the way you say things, they make me think. Like you question without questioning. I like that we can talk about so many different things and the moments are never dull. I just feel memorized... Sometimes I don't care if we're not truly talking as long as in the presence of. I love your hazel eyes, and I love I mean love your deep resonant voice! Well everything about you is perfect. haha Every time we talk on the phone I just get an electrifying feeling rush through my whole body. I love that we can talk a bit on religion and politics... and that you're patient. I enjoy hearing a lot about what you stand for, your family, I just don't get bored. There is so much I can say about you..but not going to reveal you.winky You're like my secret (not so secret) You're special, very much. And I have to thank you for a lot. You contribute to my happiness on daily basis... There's something about you... *sigh* heart I don't know how you feel about me stunned (clueless lol ) but yea... There are so many things to look forward to with you. So many learning experiences and adaptations. I wish I can say more but right now I don't know what to say. My smile just doesn't stop. happy

    ok, well that's it! Well not really but yea pleased

    Love, 

    ReyRey 

    *******************************************

    Day 1 - Your Best Friend

    Day 2 — Your Crush
    Day 3 — Your parents
    Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
    Day 5 — Your dreams
    Day 6 — A stranger
    Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
    Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
    Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
    Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
    Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
    Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
    Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
    Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
    Day 15 — The person you miss the most
    Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
    Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
    Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
    Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
    Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
    Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
    Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
    Day 23 — The last person you kissed
    Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
    Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
    Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
    Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
    Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
    Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
    Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

  • 10 Day Challenge: Day 2: 9 things about me

    Day Two: Nine things about yourself. 

    1. Very committed- I have always been a rather committed person whether in a job or in a relationship. When in job I'm very dedicated, hard working and will do anything in power and give 100% even when I'm tired and don't feel good. I guess that can also apply to a relationship. When I feel committed, I guess I give all of me and sometimes it seems like a little too much but I can't give less of me. It doesn't feel right. I guess I go into it like I have nothing to lose but in the end I have everything to lose but that's what makes it worth it. I just love with my heart... with my heart and I appreciate.

    2. Led more by the heart than thought - I guess this is what is a result of feeling committed or sometimes driven by guilt (a pure guilt because I have nothing to feel guilty about) But, my heart always leads me to do the right thing for me and sometimes I just go into something ... have you heard the phrase "love is blind" well that's me all the way...sure my mind is there trying to play its part (self tug o war, or the lil angel/lil devil image) but i'm driven with emotion, feeling, love... and making everything perfect. Which has actually made me vulnerable because my feelings in my heart were pure.

    3. Always have felt like an outsider- Since I was growing up I never fit in, anywhere. I always hated  big groups. The only time I have ever fit in was where I hang out one on one with a person. I guess this is why when I fall for someone I feel  comfortable because it's comfortable environment. I guess feeling as an outsider even with closer and family has led me to be more of a loner... I'm not awkward about it... I can do the big groups but I don't feel it. 

    4. A very impatient patient person-  I'm very impatient person... when I want something I want it that very moment no matter what it is... Once it comes to my mind I want it... here's the thing If I can't have it I'll wait but only because I can't get it... I impatiently patiently wait... even though anxiety builds. 

    5.reserved to an extent  and shy- in person I am very reserve and quite shy... it takes a small while to feel comfortable. And I get comfortable but it needs to be build on constant. But, once my reservation and shyness is gone with a person, it's reserved for a special occasion.

    6.When I give myself I fully give myself. -Yes when I love, I love to the fullest. 

    7.Was a music major and although love it and wish I would have done something else now.

    8.Sometimes I feel I'm single because I deserve to be alone - like punishment... i don't know

    9. And I think way too much sometimes... over analyze at times..

     

     

    ************************************

    Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. 
    Day Two: Nine things about yourself. 
    Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. 
    Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. 
    Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
    Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever.) 
    Day Seven: Four turn offs. 
    Day Eight: Three turn ons. 
    Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now. 
    Day Ten: One confession.