Abuelito Tanilo (My mom's dad)

(writing it in english even though I would have written it in spanish) 

It saddens me that I was the only of your grandchildren old enough to remember you. I was fortunate enough to be able to go  spend the summer before you passed away with you in Mexico. I was only 8 and I appreciated everything you all did. I'm 26 yrs old now, I've grown some since then but  I will not tell you negative stuff that's happen to all and in the fam. I'm sure you know already But, how I wish you were around to see how much the family had grown. At the time, my mom's family was basically it and Tia Pola had just given birth to the twin when you passed. You saw them but nobody else met you. I think that even though the family has issues at times we mostly still unite as a family. We're all growing and maturing. All the kids are great and I wish they would have had the opportunity to meet you. Even though I was young I still remember you face. It's not something you forget. Abuelita, she's doing great and I'm glad that my mom brought her here after you passed. She wouldn't have made it out there. Honestly, I wish she would finally stop and stay with us. She isn't young and I want her to be ok but she's stubborn like I am so I know. I wish you can tell her just go stay with Golla or something. I know she would listen to you. Abuelito, we're all doing great. Everything is great and you have many grand kids... In fact you're a bisabuelo now...My son is 5 now, he would have love spending days en el campo with you, I know it. And My brother, I know you didn't meet him (he is one of the twins) he was 1 1/2 when you passed but guess what he had a baby in January. So you have 2 great-grandkids... Bueno pues, I love you! And if it's not good-bye pero hasta pronto!!! 

Con Mucho Amor, 

Reyna (la hija de Golla) 

BTW - feel free to read the other days if you're interested... They're all linked

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Day 1 - Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Day 10: One confession

Truth be told... The biggest confession I can say is that no matter what I do in life I have always felt alone. There are few moments in their rarity where I felt I had somebody was by my side. And even when s/he were there I was eventually left. I guess I always fear abandonment and that's all I have felt I've had all my life. I don't understand or know how to explain. It's the feeling of being in a room full of people and feeling as no one was really there. A feeling of me by myself with a spot light and a dark room ... and even though I see nobody, everybody is staring... And the worst part is I can't hide behind anything...  *sigh* not much of a confession... but oh well 

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Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. 
Day Two: Nine things about yourself. 
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. 
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. 
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever.) 
Day Seven: Four turn offs. 
Day Eight: Three turn ons. 
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now. 
Day Ten: One confession.

Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Dear world, 

Actually I wanted to have someone I didn't talk to as much but the fact is that it's not the whole world either but it's all my family, friends and acquaintances. I'm just a lil weird or not so social. I have a hard time relating to you all and I don't know why. I wish everybody was like a best friend but as much as I speak freely and i let go of many things I hold, sometimes it feels as though you got caught up in the moment I was throwing up all my burdens and happy moments. I don't know why I have a hard time trusting people, having you get closer to me... Maybe it feels as though everybody who I have allowed to talk to me has somehow disappointed me and left me -- you happen to be out of luck. I don't mean to be distant, I wish I can try but the harder I try to get closer the weirder I feel (You know those awkward moments of silence? Well that's how I feel inside)... it feels like it's something new each time. I have no problem speaking to strangers who I know I will never see in my life but I want more than a one-day stand with a stranger on my life. I crave the need to have you there with me, giving me advice, helping me. And I want to be there as well but I just don't know how this can happen. I have so much to offer and I'm sure you do too. I just can't pin point but I know i've been like this since like I was like 4-5 yrs old. Sorry, I don't have time either, I've been caught up taking care of family issues.But, I don't mind a catch up date... that's why we're friends right? Yea, I don't have that many girl friends-- I mean I do but I don't... and it's mainly because I hardly relate. And the thing was when I had my son I related less to girls and as they grew up they related to me... but they were lucky.They were having kids and I then again felt left out being alone and they had husbands... Some are married, even some who had been single mothers and I don't understand what happened to me. I have male friends and none who are that close either... The funny thing when I was younger I would talk more to guys because I found them more interesting. They were smarter I felt and well I wasn't girly, I was a bit dark... we would arm wrestle and tease each other. The moment I got pregnant they realized that I in fact was a girl (sad, I know) and the way they saw me changed, so all of a sudden I was felt completely alone. I wish you wouldn't have put a small rock in my path to get closer to you. I wish we can talk more. In fact I wish you would talk to me more... And I do try I really I do but I know I still come out a little more as superficial because nobody is use to me being this way. If I told you that it's the way the  whole "family flores" is, you wouldn't believe me until you went to a family gathering and you would feel all those fun loving akward moments. Trust me... My dad makes every situation awkward. I guess it's part of who I am. I don't want you to leave me alone and I don't want you to feel I have abandoned you. It's my weird way of showing you love. If in fact I do say something its more than to those who I really don't say anything at all. And I mean this, you mean a lot to me. You come into my life one day at a time and I hold a small area for you no matter what. All I'm saying is that because I cannot show you everyday, please don't give up on me. I guess when people give up on me... I slowly give up on everybody... 

From the bottom of my heart,

Reyna

BTW - feel free to read the other days if you're interested... They're all linked

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Day 1 - Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

A goodness, I know I go to sleep freakin' late and a like at 3:20am son wakes up with a nightmare...I'm tired so I tuck him in and give  a small stuffed animal, he and I use to share the same bed until a couple months ago... I can't sleep in his bed, I need my bed. 

Anyways, I was hoping to sleep in today because yesterday I had a huge headache and everything else going in my head... 

I, of course, don't get to when I wanna sleep in ...impossible... go figures... I should have known... 

I awake to this en español , "Reyna wake up you have to send your resume" my mom knows nothing about resumes or what they do lol ...So had to take off my eye mask. It wasn't so easy to be able to see clearly (I wear a black one to minimize from the sun coming in - not always but when I know I wanna sleep in which rarely was today) ... I finally manage to get my eyes open and I have 2 texts from my compadre... and my mom had told me to call my comadre too... I first had to find my resume because I have 3 ... and chose the one that was most current, opened a new email account... which geez I like like 7 at least but needed one with my name... I texted him back and call her... and sent it... so we'll see

I guess it would be stupid of me not to inquire about a job that might pay $18 ... 

I've been dumb in the past for not taking small windows people have opened for me. I always have things come to me and have seflishly been uncertain and lose the possibility. I guess I'll be true to my word and not let opportunities slip away again. I am fortunate people care about me... now I need to care about me and them enough to keep on doing as I'm told... 

I always like the idea of being an entrepreneur but lately i don't have the energy to do it anymore... I've lost personal motivation to do it all how I use it. Two years ago...I was doing 3-4 things and it was going great but they started slipping and I fell down with them... lost  my sense of hope... I'm hoping to go gets certificates for Massage Therapy and being an English/Spanish translator too.. on top of my MLM business (which is on pause) and My music...  *sigh* 

Feel better after getting this out of my chest... I guess sometimes I just need to burst... My mom and I had brief convo lol ... yea. I love her to death, she's my mom and I always will but some things are just a little hurtful. I just write sometimes ...

30 Day challenge- Day 9- Someone You wish you could meet

I'll be honest to this point there is only one person I wish I can meet and be face to face with... well you know what I mean. Well there are a few now that I think about it but this person is the first on list. And this person might already be around here added somewhere in my blogs but you may tell more by this BLOG ... 

Dear Person I wish to meet, 

There is just something about the way you act. The ways you claimed you were being blunt but mainly your subtle ways. Honestly I don't think you were that blunt as much as you were honest, which I never hold anything honest against any person. Hey, I've been heart broken with honesty too but a much more respectable way to end things than lies. 

Anyways, I've known you for a little time in which we have gotten to know quite a bit of each other. Sure our lives aren't perfect or where we would have thought they would be at this time in age but maybe there is a reason for that. The differences of our lives and the way we were brought up are definitely significantly different that's for sure. We have complete different cultural values but all in all the moral and some political ideologies are some what similar. We have similar belief systems and follow them accordingly.You are a friend, you definitely are and I trust you. 

There is still some time apart until we'll ever get a chance to meet. And it's only fair for friends to meet and actually get to know each other in person. Thank you for being you. 

ReyRey 

BTW - feel free to read the other days if you're interested... They're all linked

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Day 1 - Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. :'(

2.

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Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. 
Day Two: Nine things about yourself. 
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. 
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. 
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever.) 
Day Seven: Four turn offs. 
Day Eight: Three turn ons. 
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now. 
Day Ten: One confession.

Dear friend Snoog420 , 

Goodness have we've gone through a lot in this life time. I guess I'm glad we got on the right path and didn't hate each other after everything we both went through and the heartache that we dealt with. You're great and thanks for for being here for me always. Hey, I realize we started talking at first to a level of curiosity. Which eventually went from a small obsession to something more like friends. I'm sure it was the same thing for you... I know for a fact it wasn't easy for my family to accept the fact of our friendship or communication. They didn't even want his communication or dealing with Danny. I guess it was the first time I put my foot down. They also saw your kindness and what you went through and came around. And your family has always been great and very accepting besides the fact... I still feel bad about it... it's been years but it's something I will live with for the rest of my life. It was never meant to happen this way and I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. I hope I have earned enough of your trust for you to forgive me. We were all young stupid, love/lust who knows anymore... All of our lives changed that year... A tough road and we all walked the same road alone. 

Anyways, 

I know I write and write.... thankfully you're always there as a loyal reader. When you have something to add you let me know, when you know there is nothing you can do but let me burn in my own personal hell do you . I know you see me go through my ups and downs and I know you go through yours too. My ups and downs ( I know I have a lot and I mean a lot haha) are something I've dealt with alone all of my life. When you can help me with advice I appreciate it, and I also thank you for sometimes not saying anything too. I'm learning to balance my self... and I haven't quite gotten there... I'm off balance maybe the unhappiness of not being where I would have liked to be and comparing myself to the whole world, oh well. But, I'm actually happy that you're the one who has been there a lot. The one who has supported with my son and even pushed his father to see him more. Times were rough no doubt but you were there enough to try and help us cope with the lack of communication we had. Sorry you were in between, it wasn't our right to do that but there was no other way. I think you're one of the people who understands me pretty well. We've had our deep moments in life where we have shared a part of being who we are and who we were.  

Life doesn't get any easier... the kids are growing at a rapid rate no doubt... both our boys will be off the Kindergarten next year and geez... I can already see the notes from the teacher. I remember their grandma explaining about their dad when he was a kid. We have so much to look forward to in this life time, I guess we can say a lifetime in reality. The bond we all hold is not so easily broken and not even with distance. We all have something that needs some communication and support. Thank you for being around.  Thank you for everything and I still can't wait until we can meet baby Iori... times are tough. 

Forever grateful, 

Reyna

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Day 1 - Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Granted there are many I'm just talking about the few that keep me coming back for more 

1.  The biggest turn on in the world for me is "intelligence" I guess I feel like a zombie and I want your big juicy brain... lol I'm just curious... So yes INTELLIGENCE, nothing sexier than a nerd! 

2. Chivalry- ok ok I admit many feel it's dead but I've had my share of sweet guys who don't believe so and that was the 2nd most appealing next to a deep conversation about something I have no idea about but was interested in knowing. 

3. Humor- just keep me laughing or a smiling. It actually isn't that hard 

Yes, those are definitely turn ons to me  There are many more but since I can only list 3 

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Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. 
Day Two: Nine things about yourself. 
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. 
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. 
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever.) 
Day Seven: Four turn offs. 
Day Eight: Three turn ons. 
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now. 
Day Ten: One confession.

Just needed to ramble a lil to feel better... somewhat... 

Sometimes I just don't understand the feelings that rush through me...  I try to hold as much as I can... but eventually everything overflows. I guess the great thing is that I don't explode. When this happens I tend to be waterworks... But, I wont let people see the daylight of me. I guess the hard part is I keep myself a lil isolated at times. I enjoy talking to people, it helps me forget about me for those moments of conversation. I guess today I was trying to talk to a friend so I can just spill myself out and it reconfirmed why I don't have close friends and why things take me longer to get over. I end up being alone. Maybe I'm not alone but I just feel a little alone. He linked stuff about me and things I wanna change and he got mad at me because he's already told me things so he got frustrated and I got upset and I just let it be... I was considering going to a party he and his gf were having but then I told him that I couldn't, and it's not that I can't but I can't afford to drive out there... it's a 2 hour drive from where I live, so I told him I couldn't and told me to go and put no instead of leaving the maybe... So I said I had a couple weeks and he said never mind he would just take me off the list which for and odd reason hurt a little. I guess I'm being a baby... (I know this sounds so childish) 

Lately, I've been feeling in complete isolation mood. I've been reading a bit on religion... I'm starting to want to know more about origins of Catholicism. I grew up in the religion and never really knew or questioned. I'm not questioning right now but I'm curious to knowing more. There are so many aspects I need answered.. different perspectives. The prayers, saints, communion, I curious to the bible... all of our sacraments... which I have all except Marriage/priesthood, and the sick one (anointing of the sick?)... We know women can  only marry or become nuns or neither... lol, and the other one is basically when you're really sick almost or death bed... but I can only get the marriage unless I marry under the church. Who knows... 

I've been very curious about the Mormon religion lately. There are so many things I want to know...But, I want to read. I don't want to look them up in the internet as much. I guess I kind of want to read their books. I don't know why but it sparks an interest. Religion can be very interesting at times. But, I do think of a college friend who was a Sax performance major and went to grad school... ended up changing major there to theology. He was a christian and ended up graduating not believing anymore. In fact I have his thesis paper somewhere in my comp but I haven't read it. I should but I don't know... Sometimes I wondered if I read his paper I would a lil belief but it shouldn't be the case since we all watch stuff that mocks religion anyways and doesn't make us not believe... I guess I just needed to top off the overflowing...  feel better...