Well kind of funny story if well kind of to me. This time I wasn't scared but more amused at the situation although don't get me wrong a small fear sparked thinking for my son. It's the only protective sense I get, the motherhood one.

Let me back track just a bit, my parents are leaving to north CA (left this early morning) for the weekend and they begged and pleaded for us to go, the only siblings left in the house,the oldest being me and the youngest being the 2nd twin born. So he has the weekend off and my mom thought it would be perfect even though we disagree. I'm 26 and he's 19 as much as we love our parents dearly we also need a break from them. 

Anyways, so last night a couple comes and visits my mom from the prayer group she's been going to and as they were leaving there was a another car in our drive way. We live in the high desert, a calm neighborhood (apparently surrounded by underground factories so there must be a lot skants (meth users) every where) but so as that couple left there was another car and I know this because my parents and brother told me... When the people left all I remember is hearing cars leave... my bro left and my dad left... My mom was asking where had everybody gone, no clue.  

The people who were parked in our driveway (an older couple) we don't know them  my bro thought it was my parents' lawyers... well there was a black (chrysler, I wanna say) car who had been chasing them and the people ran out street since we live in a culdesac and came and parked in with us..., thank you strangersfor bringingdanger to our home... so My brother rebel and fearless (if you'llcallit that) left to guide the older people out of the neighbor for theirprotection.... and my dad left (I don't even know why) but he didn't know what was going on or that he was being followed by that black car but he came back soonly after probably when he saw my bro went to Little Ceasars's Pizza where he works... 

My bro goes to his work and sits inside they always have a single chair... there as one of his friends co-workers smokes a cigarrette in his break...  I apparently that car has pulled up a couple time behind the 4-runner to get it our lisence plate and all... Soonly after the people from the car come to my bro's friend ask ask him "Is this your ride?" talkign about the 4-runner and he said it was...I don't know what quite happened but that led to a fight of some sort and one of those people following the oldpeople (trying to claim hood or somethihng) got their a** beat for being stupid... So my bro when they saw that happening go outside incase the other people in the car were going to come out too... Those people left. My bro's friend told him about themseeing the license plate and asked why didn't he tell him, the friend said it was all too fast. 

Honestly, when my parents were telling me even though they had a serious face and were using it as means to make us go to go to North Ca.. I started laughing. I was nervous... nervous some strangers had been parked in the driveway... nervous that these people who were following the old people knew/know where we live, nervous that they were jumped by my bro's work, nervous that they can come back, they can get weapons, can find reinforcements... But, my bro and I decided to stay... A lil afraid that they can come to the house,fear for my son because if anything goes down (I've never been a fighter, always a lover) but you bet that when it comes down to it... I will go crazy...I just know it... 

The when my bro told it to me gave me an adrenaline rush. I was a lil paranoid until I fell asleep. At least this time my dad was around...  about 6-7 months my same bro had a threatening call which kept us up in high alert all night... and since that moment  on I thought that I wasn't going to have much fear. It surely makes me want to have the gun I told myself as a youngin I was going to get at 18...(never did) I would still love the own one, learn to use it properly and keep it in case of anything... Nowadays nothing is safe it's better to feel secure and have it in a safe where kids wont know how to get in.

My parents left this morning... hopefully they get to relax which they wont since we're home. 

I just find it funny how these thing just happen. the first threat was by some friends my bro had...got rid of them... he is not gang affiliated and he knows not to bring sh*t home because I think I would go just as crazy on him for bringing danger to the house. But, we will never be to escape the dangers from the world... I just don't want my son to see that light. When we moved from where I grew up (a place where you have one of the beautiful missions the 4th built in CA) and where we use to live was in between 2 of the most prominent gang affiliated streets... with rivals always trying to take over...no way to grow up... And sadly kids see that everyday. 

But, I refuse to allow my son see or live in such fear. By nature he already builds his own "guns" and ways to attack bad guys a and I know it's not because anything I've said but he knows there are bad people who exist. 

Interesting how life is... 

Yes, that is actually the book that I have in my hand. You may laugh or not... it actually makes me cry when I read it.

#TheGivingTree

I don't know how many have looked at it, I mean it's been around for years. I remember seeing it when I was a little and I've gotten a hold of many books I read as a child for sentimental value and hoping I'd be able to pass them them down. Besides we know that schools change...

Anyway,
We're all aware of what we have all become mostly unto ourselves and our selfish gains. We see people in need and sometimes don't even have the audacity to even look at them. We turn our heads like they're nothing. Sometimes we don't tell people what we're going through because we know people will look at us like trash, hey... we see society do it all the time. Why would we be any different? People have money, people work hard for that money, people are barely making ends meet with that money and people have families to feed- Well most... some don't have kids anymore... too costly, too much of their time....

Nowadays,some homeless aren't even asking for money anymore... to be honest they just want to eat and survive. How hard can it be to give them something you just bought. Sure, it might be taking a little away from your table but you just saved someone from starvation. If you're like many, you know how to shop around so that you can make ends meet. It's the way of life right now but just because it's hard for us it's even harder for others still...

We all like to live in this little bubble and pretend everything in the world is ok and it's not... We see our clean neighborhoods but go to a ghetto and see how those children are suffering. See how kids are actually dying from lack of nutrition and clothes... Sometimes we don't even need to go to a 3rd world country to see how bad people are suffering and thank goodness people do go out and volunteer and try and make the world a better place but it's not that easy.

I saw my little child's book laying around as I'm cleaning... and I see the tree... and this little boy... and I start thinking of that little boy being all of us in this society thinking we can have anything we want when we ask for it. Sure when we're young we don't know any better.. loved ones always helped guide.... It was all fun and games... love and laughter, eating and sleeping, life and shelter... And the best way to show appreciation was by giving hugs and being there...

But, as we grow new interests arise and we don't quite have the time anymore like we use to... But, we still have our comfort... we still take... And that support is still there but sadly abandoned... we don't appreciate it as much anymore... we seek gain... a family, money, house ... and we take.... but since we have nothing to give in return... we take....

Something we have embedded in our minds as a society (here) is our rights. We don't understand how other's don't have certain rights. We try and push for them to have the same but with different places and countries to be the same is almost impossible. We want everybody to be equal but we're not equal here...there's racism, sexism, discrimination, so many more issues but we turn our heads and pretend they don't concern us... we have drug addicts having kids without proper care, kids being born OD'ed, people just dying, can't afford health care, inflation, recession, no jobs, barely can afford a roof over your heads, no food in the table at least once a week. people working for minimum...

Think about what if we didn't have these rights? What would it be like? We barely have room to breath but it's our right... people think it's a right to offend people... no, it's a right to speak you mind with reason

Stop taking and taking and expecting it's your right...

Stop being so freakin' selfish world... (I mean people of the world and not all people, Americans)

I bet you, you know at least 10-20 who are depressed, suicidal, have some type of issue... most wont even tell you... (turn to your right and left, your neighbor, friend but no one is there now... Why? Because you've never taken an interest. Stop looking and pretending the world ends at the tip of your nose... Yes, many of us selfish people are depressed too but helping someone overcome might bring happiness and light to others... We can't mope around in our tears and pretend it will go away... talking to others and seeing what they're going through will actually help...

A smile goes a long way.

I'm not saying be a super... but don't close yourself to a possibility. Just make a few people smile everyday and it will go a long way...I promise!!

A smile will give hope...
Hope in society is what we need...

We need to try and prevent instead of trying to condone after something bad has happened

So many smart people walking around like headless chickens....

Sorry for the small #rant and #venting

So, Death has literally been on my mind since I was like 12-13 yrs old. It's something I've thought about many times and I am actually quite sure there are many people who feel the same way. We all think of it in different levels and many of us just don't know what to think. I have personally thought about it and I'm  not sure what happens although I know there are spirits ghosts, call it what you like.... many in my family have seen them and we have felt the supernatural in our presence even those eerie evil feelings. I can't quite explain what they are, or what they were but the fear of having that negative energy by your bedside and you know knowing that  the only thing you can do is but pray and hope it goes away... I know a lil cliche for some of you but it's true... We have lived in quite a few house and something has always happened ( I don't know if they're haunted or what that even entitles) ... but, mainly, my parents or mostly my dad are aware of it and it happens mainly to the males of the family (dad, and 2 bros in our last house and vividly and constantly) actually 2 weeks before we were going to move weird things started happening and and in the last week when my mom was in the hospital about to have surgery we had to move... those last few days we didn't spend the night there and left... I don't know why or how to explain but there was a strong presence.

I'll be honest at many points in my life I have fantasized about taking my life (which is not what I'm writing about) and I written some short stories quite similar very women misogynistic ... But I don't hate women in any form I just think sometimes some don't know how to cope with everythign (Anyways, sorry off topic and in a tangent) But, really what would scare me away was the thought of what would happen after...Do we just face death and we feel peace, is it over? Would we get punished... like is there hell, heaven, purgatory, or nothing... What happens? And I'm sure many have asked this before... 

Yesterday I wrote a pulse What happens when you die? And I got a variety of answers and actually i don't think it depends on what we believe or what science says... regardless we're all going to die and frankly we'll either find out or not... Who knows. I know religious beliefs lead us to conclude something and so does none believing but that doesn't quite answer the question of what actually happens when we die... @buddy71 suggested I write a post about death and so I am and maybe I can hear more about what you actually all think... 

So there is a movie which I enjoy a lot and one of my favorite I have to say... If you haven't watched it please do... there is so much there but I'm probably going to spoil it for you right now so oh well... nevermind. It's called What Dreams May Come and it actually deals with death and coping and what's real, soul mates, happiness... Most of movie actually takes place in the alternate world, what we would actually consider to  be "heaven", technically, but not heaven how we would imagine being side by side with the lord or even meeting him. It's more like we die and God is still up there watching over you but it's more like your own personal paradise and what not... very beautiful I'd say and peaceful and by the way it isn't a religious movie either, just fyi ... but it does cross to what the ideals of heaven and hell which I guess it's something most have embedded into their mind and it's hard to think there is nothing after. 

It does romanticed on love and soul mate and a suicide which the wife committed after she lost her kids to a crash and then lost her husband to another accident... She didn't go to heaven actually she went to hell but a different type of hell... it was interesting how they portrayed hell (there was no mention of the devil,but maybe implied idk)... like there are different levels, which what I felt about heaven but maybe I was over analyzing it, but because she was a suicide she was in a part of hell in which she didn't know she was dead but she was living through her own insanity... so basically her pucnishment was to live the rest of eternity suffering for the same reason she had already taken her life... It doesn't go into too much detail about the other parts of hell but you can definitely see the chaos and the misery... 

Because I just remembered, the husband, when he died at first he didn't know or realize he was dead... he was like a floating spirit and when he realized he was he wanted to be there with her the whole time which actually caused the wife more pain because of the mourning  which brings me to a blog written by @GrimRpr000 about death and his experiences "Death and afterlife" which he talked about having faced death and having and out of body experience but being brought back we don't get to see the whole picture although it's quite amazing hearing what he said... What happens if when we die we see ourselves and then continue to keep going... we're actually dead... What happens next....

So after hearing about ghosts, spirits; What do you do have to say about them? Are they "the dead" but sticking around?

Why don't we ever see family  around who has passed... Is there more after death? Is there a God there or mainly we just go to an alternate world? Why would be need an alternate world? Or do we just fantasize and it's all  illusions of the brain? But if they are illusions why do they happen to more people in the world? Are we Crazy? Or is there really something more that no one can truly explain?

What are you thoughts? What happens after we die?

Ok so I'm techinically stealing this but I prefer borrowing haha!! SO I borrowed this from @Cestovatelka but since she stole it from @RazielV  lol jk ... she borrowed it too. I'm bored and I've been lagging on what I really want to write about

 

1. Think of the last person you kissed. Do they mean anything to you now?:
hmmm.... when was my last kiss.... been a while... and I guess you can say no. 

2. Have you seen the last person you texted naked?:
No

3. What is something you really want right now?:
Something I "REALLY" want right now would be to meet people and stuff  

4. Is it okay to have crushes while in a relationship with someone else?:
A crush can be an issue and mean there is something wrong in the relationship and should be addressed properly. In my suggestion probably not acting on the crush would be best and weight the situation which would best be suited for your life. Asking why you have a crush while you're in a relationship would be a great start. I've never had a crush while in a relationship but I've had crushes while dating which means that there is a lost of interest or the person I was dating sort of just left me hanging and I just found a new interest. A relationship should have a stronger foundation of course. 

5. How long do you think you should date someone before you get engaged?:
Hmmm... this is hard and it definitely is completely up to the emotional level the couple has. My parents only new other for like 3 months when my mom left her country to follow my dad. Never been engaged but if he was the right person and everything was right... why not? You spend your whole life getting to know a person anyways. And, I don't believe in divorce so they get use to me and I get use to them or we'll make a fun game of making our lives a living hell... 

6. Where do you see yourself in ten years?:
I certainly didn't see that this would be my turn out 10 yrs ago. I choose not to assume what I think will happen in 10 yrs but I do hope happy with someone in my life. And if not still happily in my own place with a 15 yr old (teens) in my household... ouch! 

7. Can you write with both hands?:
write as in physical writing or type with both hands? hmmm well can type some what with both hands... write I'm right handed but I've always practiced my left hand as well just in case... it's not that great since I haven't used it much for years 

8. Is virginity something sacred and should wait for marriage? Or is virginity no big deal to you?:
both...  but, it also depends on the mental stability of the couple and the reasoning for not waiting. I'm obviously not a virgin being a single mother but at one point in my life I did think I was going to be a virgin the day of marriage so I could wear a white dress (but people wear white anyways) but I respect those that hold it dear to them... when I lost mine I gave it to a special person at the time so to each their own. It's more of how you value yourself and what you feel comfortable with. 

9. What's your sexuality? Have you ever questioned it? How old were you when you figured out you were definitely straight, or bi, or whatever?:
Umm... I'm straight... I love Men and I don't think I would ever be able to be a woman then again haha ... I've questioned a little but mainly because of my disappointment with guys and their lack to commit and know what they want. So, the farthest I've gone is bi-curious. I've always known I've been straight and that I want a traditional man or someone who will keep in on my toes but I've always known. 

10. What do you think of open relationships?:
It's quite hard to answer this one... Can't say I have or haven't been in one... But, being single is hard enough to keep your walls and protect yourself. Now, if you're in an open relationship you have to guard extra high because it's just like benefits and getting to know each other with the realization that you can find someone else and the other person has to  be fine with it because those are the rules or visa versa they find someone else and you have to pretend or just be ok with it. Just imagine you fall in love which would be a "no go" unless you both have a very open and communicative relationship. Or a don't ask, don't tell policy. I like to think that when a person is with me, they're with me. But, it depends on the 2 people... I'm not jealous type but I prefer exclusive. 

11. Have you ever been bullied? What for? How does it affect you today?:
hmmm... not physically because I was a tall girl in my days... I was like 5'4" or 5'5" in middle school as soon as my growth spurt happened. But, rumors were spread about me... I was not picked on but it felt like everybody was looking at me then again I don't know... I didn't notice things except a couple times when some people pushed me for being in their way.  So, no not bullied but I'm always against kids bullied kids... 

12. What are your favorite girl's names?:
To be quite honest I don't have favorite girls names... it's something I would want to share with someone if I ever had a girl. I don't think too much of names.  umm... Katheryn (Kay),Cynthia, Yess, Rose, Isabelle, Bella, Some that pop to my head... 

13. What about boy's names?:
Umm... boys my favorite name of all time has and is Daniel (Dan, Danny)... which is my son's middle name and if I would have had a girl she would have been named Danny too... just saying. but, like I said about the girls I typically don't think about but I wouldprefer boys to girls so ... Ethan, Tony, Gregory, Raymond, Kenneth (kenny), Andy(I've always liked it as the full name would be subjective),  David, Jude, Edward(Ed, Eddie, Erick), There are many more that I know I like but I can't think right now... 

14. Are you continuing your education?:
One day maybe... I would love to... 

15. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?:
grandma gave it to me

16. How many people have you dated?:
well, hmmm... as in bf only one Arturo, I'm not sure if I was dating but was talking to and kind of seeing Bobby, Tony we were talking and hanging out - yea, I guess dating, and um... Jeff went out on dates... so yea... not sure what is defined as dating, or talking.. unsure...

17. What are three of your biggest fears?:
three big fears...hmmm... house burning down while I'm in it, being surrounded completely by ants and them crawling on me... and I would freak out if there was spiders in every corner of my room I would just leave.

18. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who was it?
haha... besides my son... ;D my lil secret... Wouldn't you nosy people like to know... There has only been one fortunate person besides my son's dad to ever hear me say something so remotely personal to them... 

19. What do you think of sexism and double-standards?:
it exists... deal with it... 

20. Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?:
hmmm.... Can't remember... 

21. Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an A?:
Yes.

22. How much money do you make a week (or bi-weekly, if you get paid that way)?:
currently, does debt count?

23. Do you think kids without jobs should get money from their parents for gas, car insurance, spending money, etc.?:
I didn't ... it was hard. It depends on their responsibilities and it what they're involved with. I'm for kids finishing school. It could be that I would give them as long as their grades are good and they're active in school activities. 

24. Are you saving up for anything big right now? What is it?:
trying but not happening... i'm suppose to travel in a month and I have nothing... how about them apples. 

25. Are you confident with your appearance? What do you like best about it?:
There are certainly a couple features I like and some the opposite sex like so ... yeah...  

26. What would you like to change about it?:
I would change everything... literally I would ... sorry

27. Has anyone ever spelt your name wrong?:
Haha I go all the time spelling my name wrong... I would always make the mistake of spelling it "reyn" like (Rain) people pronounce it wrong 

28. Do you know anyone that smokes pot?:
Yes, yes I do ...

29. Do you have any deep, dark secrets you haven't told anyone?:
I guess I have some... I've told a few... some know here and there... I don't know if one person knows everything but I see it as I want to forget and move on...  

30. Who are your three best friends you can go to when you're upset about something?:
n/a ... xanga... 

31. Last time you cried over another person? Why?:
umm... a lil while ago and not telling... 

32. Name three dream careers you'd love to have.:
I would love to be an entrepeneur  ... so I would like to do all all the same times... Small business holder (an investment), massage therapy (which I can do btw), teach music lessons, Spanish- English translator, and there is more I would love to do ... I love being busy and doing things.  

33. Does talking about the future make you happy, sad, scared, or something else?:
Well, it scares me at first but once I'm comfortable with the idea I'm comfortable with it and it makes me happy, excited, sad, and scared...there is so much that can happen. 

34. What would you wear on your wedding day?:
I've always wanted to design my own wedding dress and I hope I get to... but we'll see... When I was younger I use to draw a lil but I don't know about material so maybe I'll just trust a designer... I want that day to be special for the both of us...  

35. When people try to put you down, how do you handle it?:
I cry... I can't handle it... or I get mad and cry... but once I get really mad I get very defensive... 

36. Do you delete the numbers of people you've gotten into fights with or just don't talk to anymore? Why or why not?:
no, I don't I rarely delete number in case I need them... I write down notes sometimes

37. Do you talk to any of your best friends from middle school? What about elementary school?:
I was one from middle school and yes we speak... I talk to people from elementary... I didn't have bffs then... 

38. Do you fit in at work or in school?:
I never fit which makes me special... 

39. Do you want any tattoos or piercings at the moment? What are they?:
Maybe, this is up for discussion... i never do something without an approval from a close friend (which is odd for me since I don't have close friends haha) but it's true

40. Where do you wish you were right now?:
visiting a different state

41. What religion are you? How long have you been practicing?:
well, I'm still catholic and been practicing since I was born... how about that... 

42. Do you think someone can be "born" into a religion, even if they can't grasp the concept of a religion until they're older?:
I think they are which is what the parents do to guide and what Godparents are for... according to my knowledge. Kids understand what they get use to understanding. 

43. Are you a feminist? Why or why not?:
If I'm for women's' rights yes I am ... but I've also been called sexist by friends because although I accept all of our freedoms and want equal rights... I'm still more traditional... haha I know this coming from a single mother... hmmm.... I always wanted the head of the household to be the man... ideally... I lived in a different time sphere... but rights should always be there and available which allows us to live life how ever we please.

44. Are you pro-choice or pro-life when it comes to abortion?
ok, the titles are misleading regardless ... but if I had a title I would be Pro-life because I value life... I'm all for women to have a choice but I don't agree and abortion should be a form of birth control. Protect yourself from the beginning or face consequences from your stupidity.  (that's all I'm saying)

45. Do you think gays should have the right to marry and adopt children?:
of course they should. They love each other, pay taxes why shouldn't they have the benefit other couples do... sure they can't have children themselves but do you know how many children are homeless in need of a loving home. I think when people have love they should be entitled to take kids in and bring them into society in better terms than being in foster homes, unloved (assumption, could or could not be true), parentless, oveless... without an actual home.  It's not only a right for a homosexual couple but a right kids can have as well. A better live.

46. How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember who it was?:
haha... oh yea I do... I was 10....my biggest crush in the world... his name was Danny... haha!! I know, I know... anyways... he actually hit on me a few months ago and 16 years later... haha. It was flattering...he's still cute as ever... very tall, white, hazel eyes but unfortunately he's not my type or a person I would ever like to pursue. 

47. What about first kiss? Who was it? Was it good?:
first kiss well I'll be honest... I've lied about this in the past. I've said my ex was my first kiss which he was in a sense but my first kiss was when I was 15 just a yr before my bf... I was in a musical in a community theater ( I got talked into it by a friend... I'm not the acting kind or even being in front of people kind but I sure sacrificed my self, lol, singing and wearing tight clothes, and showing a lil skin... yea there was an orgy which was pg-ed for our young selves... thank goodness) anyways so I think he was like 18-19 maybe or older I don't even know... but he was one of the main guys in the show and we just kissed in the lips and that was it. Nothing sparked, nothing happened but he liked me and well I avoided him...lol  typical me running away from situations... 

48. Do you agree with the American standard of beauty (blue eyes, blond hair, tan skin, fit, etc.)?:
Hmmm.... I didn't know this was the "All American Standard" but those guys are a lil hot at times but their not my type of males ( I love green eyes, more rare than blue) Blond meh... light brown, not blond blond... tan well it's the sun, don't go to tanning booths... lol I like real people not fake... So, if you're with me or like me and I like you back I accept you as you are. =D 

49. When is your birthday?:
January 7th

50. Will tomorrow be better than today?:
Well any day has a potential of being a better day... Just depends who participates to make my day all that much better. 

Man....

So I wrote these back in Feb so just because I have something I've been wanting to write but it will take time and maybe tonight or tomorrow but I've been lagging on the topic because I've been lazy... but I did enjoy the read... 

 

This is how I see basic of a potential and then some type of person bold are my new added 

 

1. I love tall men.... I am 5'5" and 3/8ths (well I've been measured twice so I'm 5'6" or 66 inches (?))  so any person who is tall so I can wear 3-4 inch heals is perfect. A man 5'10"+ but I definitely prefer the plus. I actually lowered the height since I was meeting people less than 6ft but seriously 6'2" and up would be just wonderful for me, I don't know why... but I love the height! =D 

 

2. I like that he knows his limits. He knows where he can be crafty, sarcastic, funny or when to be serious. Playful or not. There at times for everything... And we must know when the time is adequate.

 

3. Someone who is proud of what he does. I like to hear about their job, workers, bosses... People they interact with. A person who enjoys having a conversation about nothing but is open enough to allow me to be apart of their day. What type of a job doesn't matter as long as he is happy where he is going with what he is doing...

 

4. Their physique- I don't care if they are slim to a lil more to love... but you know even  throughout their  body- proportioned. I am not thin... I am a curvy girl...but I don't see it in a bad way. I think I am proportioned ok... 

 

5. Smart is a must. I love brains, nerds, wits. I love being challenged and I love being wrong but only if I am wrong. I like to be proved wrong so I can fight it to be proved right. I like a mental challenge. It's my excitement. The more they know the more I feel encourage to keep up and expand. If you talk to me and I have to look up what you say. I will more likely stick around more. (you don't know I look up stuff though, for the most part)

 

6. Race doesn't matter, Skin tone doesn't matter, Hair (color, or texture) doesn't matter, Eye color... I'm a sucker for green eyes but it doesn't matter, Big feet- big hands... don't matter... size wont matter.... Nothing here matters, because who they are is the important part. 

 

7. Personality- yea I need a stronger one. I've always been a lil shy so someone to bring out my wild side... or someone to tame the small wild side I do have. Open minded willing to have fun or willing to be a little different at times. Flexible. I do admit I will be a little dominant at times... my personality has been growing stronger... but I hope you like a small challenge after all I am Mexican. 

 As you can see many people can fit this criteria since I didn't mention age but I do find those fairly close to my age range a lot more attractive. I was born in 1985 and I'm 26 so I don't typically go for more than a year and half younger and I older that's up to be debatable but I for sure will not go for 8-9 older... I don't know I guess we all have taste and i feel the closer we are at age the more we can grow together in experiences and life. And it's not only about me being attracted obviously... he needs to fit  and still fit his ideal girl... what a challenge... I hope it can be done. And these are simple and generalized =]

 

P.S. Forgot to mention earlier. I love voices especially deep bass voices (bonus  points) and if you can sing you gotta teach me...  Minor requirement... teach me how to play chess =D

Oh Fortuna- Carmina Burana by Carl Orff.... Simply Amazing!!! Very powerful! 

O Fortuna velut luna statu variabilis, semper crescis aut decrescis; vita detestabilis nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciem, egestatem, potestatem dissolvit ut glaciem. Sors immanis et inanis, rota tu volubilis, status malus, vana salus semper dissolubilis, obumbrata et velata michi quoque niteris; nunc per ludum dorsum nudum fero tui sceleris. Sors salutis et virtutis michi nunc contraria, est affectus et defectus semper in angaria. Hac in hora sine mora corde pulsum tangite; quod per sortem sternit fortem, mecum omnes plangite!

O Fortune, like the moon you are changeable, always waxing or waning; hateful life first oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it; poverty and power it melts them like ice. Fate – monstrous and empty, you whirling wheel, stand malevolent, well-being is vain and always fades to nothing, shadowed and veiled you plague me too; now through trickery, I bring my bare back to your villainy. Fate, in health and in virtue, is against me, driven on and weighted down, always enslaved. So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating string; since Fate strikes down the strong man, everyone weep with me![3]

 

I don't know why there is always something trying to rain on my happy parade...  I know she doesn't mean to or she doesn't know that I'm happy but still... 

So my mom came into my room so I started telling her about the House warming party I'm going today and well next week I'm going to another lil party a friend and her bf are having, like an engagement party for friends a couple months before their wedding.  And my mom's says to ask them for their secrets so I can get married too... So I tell her that they're been together since high school ... so she says even better. I tell her that they've had their moment where they've broken up for a year or so... and she says well at least she didn't get trapped with a baby and she can get married. 

She always mentions to me as being a single mother, like if I'm not worth anything, like because I have a son I will never be wanted, like if somebody wants me then I'll be lucky. 

I mean why would she say that? *sigh* She's always pushing me about finding someone but when Danny was younger she was completely against it. 

I was happy now  I'm trying to think happy thoughts but ...

I don't I'm suppose to ignore stuff like that but it hurts more when it's your mom, you know? I don't cry especially not infront of her but I just couldn't hold my tears. And even then, I don't think she got that I was upset. Then again she didn't face me. 

Anyways, At least someone thinks I can be amazing...

 

Last night I was completely exhausted very early, I was not feeling well at all and I wont give details to symptoms to not alarm but anyways... I went to bed. I woke up multiple times... But some were not by choice but still... I woke up at some 1am (somewhere in there) and I felt I had slept for hours I looked at my clock and it has only been a couple hours, I had fallen asleep early (I'm a night person so the fact that I would wake up when it's still early, was enough to make me feel a little discomfort)   because I felt odd but then I hear my son call out my name. He had had a nightmare so he came crawling into bed with me. It was fine and I knocked out again... and then I woke up again a couple hours later and my brain was flooding with thoughts of a certain someone. I must have been dreaming about him or something but just as I was falling asleep again I get this message "You are amazing!" and it was from none other than my dream guy, lol. That absolutely made my night all that better and well you can imagine how I feel right now flooded with happiness. So soonly after I fell asleep again. And I woke up at 6ish because I don't know why I have an alarm on my phone (and ON -irritable); I could have kept dreaming. When I was awaken by the worst timing of my alarm I had been dreaming of a wedding ring. It was none like I had ever seen before, and completely different than I would ever expect I would have one. (Not that I dream or have a ring in mind, just saying) But then again rings are unique for each different person. I just have to say the ring was beautiful. I had never dreamed of a ring in a dream not that it was recognizable or focused on it actually, so it felt special. 

So right now feeding my curiosity of the ring in my dream I looked it up ... so I asked online:

What  does it mean when you see a ring in a dream? 

"To see a wedding ring in your dream, represents completeness and eternal love.  If you are not married and find a wedding ring, then it means that your personal relationship has reached a new level."

One only wishes this is true and well frankly that dreams can come true...

(ps.I would have an awesome picture would this but I can't upload pics, lol. My fault for reaching my max uploads so early in the month) 

Being a single mother doesn't come with the most appealing package when it comes to dating. Hey, don't get me wrong gentlemen (and I reserve my right to call you "gentlemen" because I expect no less) are now coming around to the  fact that there are things you can't change. YOU CAN'T!!!!! But, even though you come in knowing minimal of my situation... they all automatically start thinking about the future... which I understand and it's natural but you prepare yourself to fail before you even give me a chance or the situation the possibility of a chance. I know right now, you can't be a daddy and in fact I'm not asking you to. I'm not asking you to be a replacement for anything or anybody. When you tell me insecurities about not knowing whether you can be a father or not it's fine... but don't make it seem it's because I have a son and you don't know you can be a father... If you can even consider me as an option then take one step at a time. Just because it isn't easy for you, put yourself in my shoes (and sure run away if you like with them on), BUT don't assume what's best for me. I, and only I, know what's best for me. I've been the mother and father for my son's life and guess what? Whether you're in my life or not...I will continue to be that person. 

Don't try and sugar coat the shit in life! I know better, I'm no princess. I've been held to a pedestal, dismantled and thrown and treated like the scum you hold in the creases of your shoes... Am I weak because it's been done? NO. I am stronger? Probably not... Can I tolerate more? probably... Do I cry? At times... I am human and a lady after all. 

Look, I'll be straight forward. I am not going to BS you, I'm pretty honest when it comes to things. I don't have time to waste and frankly I don't want you to waste mine either. And by wasting I also don't mean, that I'm trying to hook any person. I'm no beggar and I have my right to choose. And frankly, I will not compromise to just anybody because of it. I have more to lose than you  ever would. You have your right to walk away but be honest from the beginning like I was. I very frankly, if it's meant to be single motherhood is no shame and there are women who do it all the time. 

(Or maybe I am trying to hook a guy? what?!?!?! Not my mission in life) lol

I will say this one thing. You can't come with your authoritarian male ego and expect me to submit to you  because I've learned to be independent. Hey, if you wanna know...I know how to cook, clean, wash and all that jazz... but since I've been treated I will treat you as my equal. And as I expect someone to disagree with me and tell me the truth, I will be held just as accountable. 

So, one very important issue with me is that even though I grew up as a submissive type girl, quiet, timid, sweet, to herself I tend to be a little dominant. I try to give no room to be wrong which we all know is subjective. I grown up being pushed, pulled, in every way and situation. But, one thing I have learned: That if I don't stand my ground, you wont respect me. I am stubborn but because I feel I am right and it's my right. it's my perspective and logic that leads me there. I expect deepdiscussions on issues no assumptions. I think that the issues with couple nowadays is the lack of communication. I will not have something so simple be the problem from my part. 

Being a single mom, means I have to tend to my son's needs and mine... doesn't mean you're going to be less but realize the responsibility i've held and for how long. Once unity is form it's a family of 3... 

The most important thing will be communication, understanding, patience, a lot of love...

Don't give up because it just became harder FOR YOU! But, if it did get harder and you can't handle please walk away. 

I guess the biggest problem I see with people is that they form an escape route and I don't blame them... I keep my walls up pretty high, personal protection. I will still treat my men like kings as long as I'm treated like a queen. It's fair and equal.

It's no easy road but it's never been with me. You accept or don't try. One more thing when you meet a person, inhale them well because I don't want you to think you can change me when I've come in accepting ALL your flaws and know you're also stubborn and wont change. So, gentlemen, you can't change me... and I wont try to change you.

(This is my family of two) 

I find it so interesting how the mind works...  (My mind?) 

So, last night I was so happy, I had gotten a hair cut and yay ... right?! Sure I may look a little tired but it was a real long day, I was exhausted but happy... and I'm quite sure you can kind of tell... 

I woke up so excited today, happy and whatnot...but moods are susceptible to change... I had woken up did my eye make-up to later on just add a lil foundation and mineral make-up... I even curled my hair out to give an idea of how my hair it suppose to look like (in my eyes)... 

My eyes looked ok,they were actually big  and bright... so fine I went to take the picture... horrid... I erased it... tried again... nothing... they were all trash... 

I wonder if I would have done this yesterday I would have been happier with the images... 

I looked through them all but the only face I have at the moment can't smile... I think happy thoughts and my heart smiles but I can't.... in fact my eyes tear up instead... I dont' know understand.  

I know you're probably thinking that if I'm self aware I can control... sadly I can't. I get lost in the emptiness of thoughts... 

When you fall into the dark lil hole it's not easy to see so clearly when all you see is the absence of light. 

I really like my bangs though... but I don't get why the pictures aren't coming out... I guess it's my mood that tells me otherwise... Probably someone would tell me i'm crazy and that they all look the same... they don't. A tiny lil difference makes a huge impact in a picture... so if one thing is off, the whole picture is ruined... I guess this is what happens in life too... nothing is in place and you start to fall apart... Sometimes we all like to live a picture perfect life (well, here in xanga actually many know each other's troubles) but the picture perfect life come IRL where people don't know and can only see you at what you try to portray.

I've been asked by people by I spend time online and what I do... Actually recently I carry a lil journal or notepad... I jot down thought. I started writing because it became this outlet. This freedom to expose what  I needed out.

People tell me I should have let go of the internet as a whole for lent... 1. I wouldn't have survived... 2. I would have never met such great people 3. my mind would have been blurred with all my thoughts 4.All those posts and poems... words ... would all die in my mind... 5. I need brain interaction here and there...

The most important thing for me is seeing the thought process oh and I go off on tangents... meh... I'm done! Yea, so back to topic... no go for today...