@TrainTrack

 

 

 

 

 

 

We went on a almost 4 hour drive to Fresno. Danny took his teddy bear and my pink tiger so we wouldn't be alone. 

Danny met a few friends in Fresno:) 

The Desert is so beautiful!

Those wind fans can look very scary from upfront.

I was trying to catch a picture while we were driving. There were so many beautiful Joshua trees and I just couldn't get one in focus. They looked amazing!

Look how beautifully scattered those trees are. Seeing them live was so amazing!

 

My Godson stands up on his own

My little nephew 

I was watching both kids 7 month old kids... Godson crawls and nephew wants to

Just me ready to take son to school. 

Danny and my little cousin. 

He was annoyed, he didn't want pics 

 

Just waiting for gate to open. 

Danny made a new little friend right away.

Kids waiting for teacher to talk and the parents to be seated. School Day 1

He was excited about him name tag. 

Ready for School Day 2... goofy smile  

Danny waiting for me to pull up and pick him up in the back of the school. He's the one in the yellow by the sand by himself. His teacher is on the right of him.  

I actually thought his teacher's name was a bit hard to pronounce but she told the kids that they can call her grandma... So yesterday (friday) I asked him what's your teacher's name... I almost thought he was oging to say grandma but instead he said her name correctly.

Long weeks of being busy...

Today being my son's official long day at school from 9-3:15 i'm actually feeling from anxiety mixture of emotions. We were told to drop off our kids in the drop off area and a teacher was going to take are kinder kids to the breakfast area and then their class... We don't know where the areas are we weren't shown. We were just told to drop them off and that's it. When we go today... They open the gates and we have our kids there and the teacher there she said she knew nothing about that or what was going on... all 3 kinder classes' parents were told the same thing and even the office told parents not to worry and then this happens. I'm sure he's fine but it stresses me out a bit. It's hard enough he hardly likes to go with people he doesn't know and then suddenly he's in a big school and the people who are suppose to be in charge have no clue what's going on. Kindergartners don't know where they're suppose to go much less how it comes about... The thought of him going on the bus by himself, just reconfirms the idea that it wasn't a good idea to start. I prefer taking him to "another responsible adult." I hope this doesn't happen again... I know the school got one complaint for sure today... I guess it's the mother in me worried for my little one. I know he'll be fine but I guess it's also some anger. 

Which makes me feel more insecure and stressed from going to DC next week. I'm going to be gone wednesday, thursday, and friday. I'm not saying that my bro or my dad are incompetent they're just more careless and don't pay attention to detail. I thought I was going to be done leaving and right now I'm not feeling the trip... thank goodness I cancelled the extra week I was suppose to be gone... I would be regretting that right now. 

I know I've been writing a lot on the same but different subject, it's always been of interest to me. Maybe because I use to want to go into psychology and personalities and sexual psychology as well... Not that I really know because most of you have had  more relationships which means you know what doesn't work more than I do... I have just chosen many times not to deal with people or relations because sometimes what's the point if you see at the beginning it's going to fail anyways. I know sometimes you should try but should should know when it's worth it. With only one relationship of almost 3 yrs and actually dated 2 people and talked to one other than who I'm talking to right now... I don't have experience but I do measure what I do... I've made a lot of bad calls but thankfully none have backfired, who wants to get something out of someone who has nothing. I guess that's to my advantage. 

Anyways, I guess I'm just talking bs because I have a lot of my mind and yet nothing at all. If some of you know me, which I doubt... you know I speak in a lot of contradiction mainly because that's the way I am...it's a constant tug-o-war fight with my self and this is how I make decisions. Go figures, right? How do I ever really decide. 

I don't know why but earlier I became suddenly emotional. I just hate it. I can't explain  and even if I tried it wouldn't make sense to anybody. Maybe, but why even try. After all I'm here to make me feel better not to make others feel better, I'm always told I should be more selfish but sometimes because people don't understand being selfless if a part of being selfish... maybe I don't get anything in return but a mere smile sometimes is worth it, or consideration or something.... 

I'm not sure if I ever understood friendship and if maybe that's the reason why i always feel like I do... I try and make connections and somehow they get ruined in one way or another... I know it must be me because not many people struggle with them. If I knew what it was I would fix it...but I don't know I'm naive or ignorant to it and then here I find myselff. Or sometimes I wonder if I even want to fix them. Maybe I try but not hard enough. I do the bare minimum to get along yet I want to share love with someone. I guess to me sharing is more than what some think of it. I don't want to be alone but with friends you can only share so much. I like my solitude but I don't like to be alone. 

It's so hard to explain. I just babble. My mind is cluttered while hoping that one person I'm thinking about is ok. I do constantly worry. I finally got everything done for my son's school... the last thing was yesterday, the dentist. They fixed what was going to be a cavity eventually. School starts tomorrow but it's mainly orientation where we will receive all the only we're missing and get to meet the teacher. I have to be there. And the hard part is that I actually work tomorrow as well. I'm just glad that I have a few kids on the list... 

Next week I go to DC .... I'm stressed now about Danny's school and there only being 2 cars and work and picking him and not being able to when I work and not knowing whether someone might. I know this will all get fixed... It has to fall into place... but what will happen when I get a full time which I'm going to because I need the money. Suddenly feeling overwhelmed... I know I need to adjust but we'll see... 

See, I don't know how the dating world works or how people date but I never consider  a person until I at least know a little minimum about them. Talking and getting to know is better  and has always been my first step and probably where I go wrong or right depending on how you see it. I've never been on a blind date or gotten fixed up... Hmmm... Maybe, that's why many people are single now, people don't lend a hand in helping you set up a nice date. Lol, just kidding... I wouldn't like the people who I would get set up with (or who knows, right?!?!). 

I know we all look for certain characteristics in people to date or not date... even if it's to consider them for the first date.

1. The first thing I ask about is what they do and why they love what they do (or rather hate what they do) ... I don't care what a person does as long as they're happy... I just want to know they have some passion for what they do and/or what they've learned. The reasoning beside everything is in what they say. 

2. I really pay attention how gentlemen speak about their mother and sisters.. A teacher once told me that if you pay attention to how guys treat their mother and sisters, you would get an idea how he would treat you. (there are exceptions but rare). I took that to the bank and I can't forget about it. Respect is very important. And family is also important. 

3. I really pay attention to the way they use their brain: Problem solving, intelligence, etc.. the way they think and analyze different subjects and issues which we will talk controversial to see where you and I stand. A nice intelligent conversation can tell me whether you can stand being in the kitchen. If they have more than just a HS level education (for my personal preference but then again I know very intelligent people who didn't go to college so it's depends on the person) they would understand my positions in many topics so much more...open mind, rather than still thinking in a different mentality. But, I can agree to disagree if you stand by your case in a smart way rather than just saying... "well I don't like that, and I don't agree" then that just says that you're closed minded and we just might argue a lot which I'm not going to tolerate. 

4. I forgot to mention a "nice guy", romantic and chivalrous is a plus (but optional)  Now a days guys are afraid to express they are nice guys... I guess some girls are put off by it, I'm not. I don't mind emotional but just don't tell me you cry in every movie. If you can cry more than me it's too much... and I'm emotional I just try not to show it that much. I've been taught guys hate to see girls cry and I agree. Although, I find it adorable to see a guy cry here and there. 

Those are the first things I notice in a male to consider for the first dates (if these up there aren't met, I have a feeling compatibility wont occur) then come physical features (but, those on the top pretty much trump so much in my  personal taste to physical attraction. You can be the cutest and hottest person but if the shoe doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. I will go until I find the right pair of shoes.) oh, As long as they're taller than me, that's the only thing height because I want to wear heels sometimes. 

 

So what characteristics do you look for in a person to even consider them to go out on one date? or to even talk to them?

I always seem to sometimes rush things (well I get excited when I talk to a person)... I guess that is a flaw of mine in which I am working on. I rush and then I hold back big time. It's learning to balance the in between. Currently talking to someone and I'm happy. Everything is at a nice pace. ok, so I still notice a lot of girls and boys go into relationships quite often...  I actually see many go into many time after time. And sometimes I find myself wondering how they go into so many or how quickly they find someone but I don't pay attention to how many times they don't work out... I guess the truth is that at least they're trying and it sure as heck makes me think I'm not doing something right... I've been told I'm pretty (I have no choice but to believe the person) and I have an ok personality... but I am nice... Is that bad ?... People tell me that being a single mom doesn't matter. I'm smart (not a genius that's for sure). So if people see and I have some nice qualities... what am I doing wrong? Have I done something wrong most of my life? Sure I can be a pleaser. I like people happy even at my dismay but it makes me happy for a while then I just leave. People don't seem to want to date me or do I give off wrong signals... I understand men but when it comes to liking or relationships I am clueless... I have a temper and when I have some beliefs I stand by them but I am a very nice person. I let out some fire here and there but it's not too often... my friends have to adjust when I feel frustrated and then back to being calm, patient and nice... 

Now, if I'm nice and that's seen through and through... I do get people who have other intentions which I don't want instead of getting to know me... I don't understand where that comes from because I know my profiles definitely don't scream out to that negativity although I guess it can be flattering depending on your threshold of compliments. It's an attraction type right?  But, it's not the one I want seriously who wants that always...  

Do "nice" girls come last too? 

Thursday afternoon/early evening there was a "welcome back to school" event at the little garden the elementary school has. They gave out backpacks for the first 100 kids in line that were going into the school. It's nice they did that since they are requiring all kids to carry back packs. 

One of the nice things we got to see in the garden they have there is the plants they have growing... so many spices, and strawberries, lettuce, onions and so many others... it's nice to see what they have there....  

They also had this Super Hero there.... "Super Nutricia" and she was giving a little magazine to the kids. I read it to my son that evening and he saw all the bad guys... there was 5 ... one was some pizza slice, a cupcake, fries, soda, and a couch potato (sofa)  ... those aren't their evil names, well couch potato is. Anyways, I read it to him and then at night he wanted to eat something... everything was junk food according to him. 

Yesterday, friday.... my mom and I had to leave all day running errands. We left at like 10am and didn't return home until past midnight long long day... not fun when you have a headache that starts at the back of your head right above your spine and radiates triangularly outward into your head... I applied pressure did massages on my own but it wouldn't go away. 

So it was like really late already, my son stayed with my dad. My son wouldn't have lasted on that long trip. So my dad calls me and in a scolding voice asks me, "Where did Danny get the idea that all food is junk food?" He's a picky eater or he never wants to eat what is there even after you list everything and all the possibilities that we can make.... You have to tell him one thing for like an hour and then maybe he will decide that is ok. My dad isn't very patient. Since he never really watched us when we were little, he's not working and we have things to do, he actually gets to spend time with my son. Parenthood isn't easy anymore, I can tell by seeing his reactions but sometimes he doesn't get it how I struggle. So, when he called me last night because my son didn't want to eat. I told to hand him the phone and well Danny was too tired to want to talk... there was nothing I could do I was an hour and half drive away at it was 9 pm already. When I got home my dad was tired yes but Danny was asleep. So I asked him if Danny ate after and he said no...  I told him I would take Danny to the store the next day and see if there is something he wants. So he tells me he did that and he didn't want anything... so he came out with a toy... yes, A Toy.  That sounds like yummy food. 

Lol,anyways... yes, all food is junk food. And suddenly everything is harder. Haha, love it.  Well on the bright side hopefully he understands he needs to eat all his veggies. But, he also thinks tomato is junk food... convenience, I think so. So, last night we brought my little cousins with us too so Danny will have playmates but we're going to a birthday party of a friend of mine, her little girl turns 5 and will go to the elementary that my son was suppose to go to, where my bros went to...So today will be a nice day as well... catching up with 2 of my oldest friends that I met when I moved to Fontana, 2 former clarinet players =D The long years of separation but the strong bonds remain and well motherhood ties. 

The Eight Stages of Intimacy

[To achieve a successful relationship] 

 [ This is a long post so I am going to separate it into 8 different days or sections which talk about the individual 8 stages of how a relationship is created into intimacy (not sexual) (this wasn't written by me)  and then link them all together]

[Italics is my writing -FYI]

1. Physical Intimacy (Looks, etiquette, charisma)  (Stage 1)

2. Aesthetic Intimacy (Arts, style, Culture, General Compatibility)  (Stage 2)

3. Recreational Intimacy (Shared interests, sports & Hobbies) (Stage 3)

4. Intellectual Intimacy (Hopes, fears, opinions, beliefs) (Stage 4)

5. Spiritual Intimacy (Morality, Ethics, shares Existence, & Shared Goals) (Stage 5)

6. Emotional Intimacy (Feelings, Trust, Security, Safety) 

7. Sexual Intimacy (Touching, sexual liberation, Physical contact, Romance, Copulation & procreation)

8. Unconditional Love (Love & Support without Strings, Expectations and Regrets)

Truly the most difficult level to attain, few couples experience unconditional love. It is the ultimate goal, similar to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, unconditional love is the equivalent of self-actualization. Many people will come close to experiencing unconditional love with their children. Pets provide unconditional love for their owners, loving them regardless of who they are, how they act or what they think. To love unconditionally means that no matter what someone does, says or is, you love him or her fully and without reservation, without ever expecting anything in return.

However, it does not mean that you sacrifice yourself or your own values and morals. Sometimes the hardest part of unconditional love is allowing others to fail.  Commonly we refer to this as "Tough Love".  It is tough for a reason.  It hurts as much to stand back and let the cards fall as it hurts to be the person triumphing through tribulation. In the first edition of this article, I used extremes to illustrate how difficult it is to love unconditionally and how sanity requires conditions.  The intention being that we all place conditions on our love, as instinct and self-preservation.  These conditions help keep us out of danger and safe; unconditional is rather altruistic or utopian, not always wise.  One of our readers wrote in with some excellent observations. This is the example I used: Can you forgive, stand by and accept your partner, without reservation or regret if he/she:

a.  Molested or stole your children

b.  Killed you, your family or someone you love

c.  Robbed you of everything you have or destroyed everything you have

d.  Decided to participate in a homosexual lifestyle

e.  Infected you with AIDS or any other chronic, terminal or fatal disease

f. Committed adultery, arm robbery or any other moral/criminal transgression.

g.  Became a terrorist or spy against your country

h.  Became a vegetable, invalid or mentally ill

i.  Lost everything and became financially ruined

Several readers became alarmed.  My attempt to show how ridiculous unconditional can get, without realizing some people would take my tongue-and-cheek extremism as instruction does cause problems.    What I was trying to do was show good reasons (illegal, abuse) to leave with the common reasons people leave (money, illness) to illustrate how ridiculous the common reasons were when compared with good reasons.  I failed to do this effectively. The following is RM's response to the above question:

As a graduate of Social Welfare at Berkeley and a MFT candidate in graduate school, I disagree with some of your statements.

A. Social workers dread this mistake made by so many parents who are suppose to protect their children. Many women or men stand by their partners who have physically & mentally abused, burned, or tormented their children. A lot of abuse goes unreported because ignorant people want to stand by their loved one. When abuse is reported where social workers step in, it is sometimes too late. You have to understand that these kids grow up never forgetting or trusting people. It is all right to forgive someone who has hurt your children, but you have to move on. It is important to keep in mind, children depend on a parent or guardian to protect them at all costs and sacrifices. If that sacrifice happens to be being without a partner until you find a lucrative, safe, and healthy intimate relationship, then sacrifice!

B. If you stand by someone who has killed your loved one but has never suffered from schizophrenia, bi-polar disease or any other mental illness where they thought your loved one was the boogie-man, then YOU need to admit yourself to a mental institution.

C. Whether a stranger or a loved one robs you and destroys everything you have, it IS a crime, and one must pay for their actions. Material items can be replaced, but having fear and mistrust takes time. It is an invasion of privacy. People save up for their children's future college expenses, home repairs, etc. A loved one is suppose to support your dreams, not try to destroy them.

D. You probably could stand by your loved one if they became a terrorist or spy against your country, but the CIA would probably  question you why. I hope you have a good answer for them. If you do not like the country that you live in or the political system they support, then it is better to leave, than to put loved ones around you at risk. IF the government thinks you are involved, it does not matter if you were not involved. You probably just threw some ideas out there, but most people do not question what is in print. Fortunately, we give thanks to God, Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, and whoever teaches us that you have to question what is wrong, right, smart, safe and conducive for all mankind.

Touché!

Below are several loaded questions and some of our favorites to throw out on a second or third date.  Why?  Because they break through the façade and demonstrate the level of tolerance a person has for others, especially when it comes to children.  Knowing his or her threshold of acceptance and forgiveness early in the relationship gives you the opportunity to decide if you are willing to conform to his/her rules or not. The antithesis of unconditional love is narcissism.

19 QUESTIONS EXPLORING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

1.  Is there anything that a person can do that you will consider being unforgivable? 

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Tells you about his/her morality, values and what types of conditions he/she places on his/her love.

2.  Do you know any couples that seem to have achieved unconditional love?  

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Points out the type of relationship he/she aspires to and what about it he/she finds appealing.

3.  Do you think it is possible to love unconditionally? 

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Points out the type of relationship he/she aspires to and whether you will both be supportive of your children, regardless of whether they become Charles Manson or Mother Teresa.

4.  You and your family have been invited to the White House for dinner. Your teen-age son shows up with a nose ring, tattoo, and green hair. What will you do? 

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: 

1) Tells you about his/her morality, values and whether he/she places conditions on his/her love. 

2) If he/she is willing to accept another for him/herself, regardless of what he/she thinks of the choices he/she makes.

 

The Eight Stages of Intimacy

[To achieve a successful relationship] 

 [ This is a long post so I am going to separate it into 8 different days or sections which talk about the individual 8 stages of how a relationship is created into intimacy (not sexual) (this wasn't written by me)  and then link them all together]

[Italics is my writing -FYI]

1. Physical Intimacy (Looks, etiquette, charisma)  (Stage 1)

2. Aesthetic Intimacy (Arts, style, Culture, General Compatibility)  (Stage 2)

3. Recreational Intimacy (Shared interests, sports & Hobbies) (Stage 3)

4. Intellectual Intimacy (Hopes, fears, opinions, beliefs) (Stage 4)

5. Spiritual Intimacy (Morality, Ethics, shares Existence, & Shared Goals) (Stage 5)

6. Emotional Intimacy (Feelings, Trust, Security, Safety) 

7. Sexual Intimacy ( #Touching, sexual liberation, Physical contact, #Romance, #Copulation & #procreation)

Let's see those hands!  How many of  you are guilty of doing Stages 1,2,3 and jumping to 7? Us too.  You're not alone. Sexual intimacy is about touch (which can be non-sexual like with friends and children) and in the #dating and mating game it's part of the #courtship and #consummation.  There is nothing wrong with doing the 1,2,3,7 dance, if a fast fling or an affair is all you are interested in.[Of course people do this all the time but even though some might be liberated it's NOT ok if you're not comfortable or if you or if you want marriage before. Consider your options.It will make things more beautiful if you wait until you are in the arms of the person you're willing to spend your life with.]  Unfortunately, for many adults it becomes the only way they know how to date and a main reason so many relationships crash and burn, especially in the first six months. Often confused as true intimacy, sexual intimacy is the natural attainment for a couple, which has successfully navigated the first six stages. Anyone can have sex; it takes something special go from physical activity to intimacy. Sexual intimacy involves the full range of sensual perception including #touch,# kiss, #looks, expressions of endearment, (the exchanging of gifts and favors for events and just because), communication, comments and of course, intercourse and #orgasm.  The key to sexual intimacy is sexual liberation, a state that takes time, patience and tremendous #trust to reach.

Sexual liberation is the right to accept or decline advances without fear of ridicule, rape or coercion. If wife withholds sex regularly as a tool of manipulation, sexual liberation  has not been achieved.  If a man withholds sex due to physical problems without making his partner aware of these, such as embarrassment over erectile dysfunction or a lack of desire due to stress, sexual intimacy has not been achieved, (this also would fall under emotional intimacy).  Likewise if a woman continually fakes orgasm and is afraid to talk with her partner about it and seek a solution together...you got it, she and her partner have not achieved sexual intimacy. With sexual liberation, even embarrassing subjects like the inability to orgasm, herpes, past rapes, not being a virgin or being a virgin, sexual fears or loss of function, though difficult to bring up, should never make you feel like you will lose your partner should these be disclosed.  If you feel that telling this issue may cause him/her to leave, you don't have trust.  Without trust, you do not have intimacy.  This is also why waiting to delve into sexual  intimacy is recommended until after you've achieved a majority of elements in the preceding six.  Trust takes time, a lot of time, to develop.

You and your partner achieve sexual intimacy if you can answer  Yes  to all of these situations, (If not married, you do not have to go all the way to achieve sexual intimacy.This is why copulation is not included).

1.  You've seen each other naked with the lights on and are comfortable being naked around each other.

2.  Sexual activity includes kissing, hugging, touching and mutually pleasuring each other.

3.  You share romantic gifts with each other just because.

4.  Foreplay during copulation lasts more than 10 minutes most of the time, (quickies are okay given they are not the only MO)

5.  You know several of your partner's fantasies, likes and dislikes as they pertain to sex.

6.  You've discussed any past or current STD's with your partner that may affect their health.

7.  You are not afraid to try new things, but your partner also respects a decline without repercussions, intimidation or ridicule.

8.  You do not fear being raped, assaulted or maimed by your partner. 

QUESTIONS OF RELATING TO SEXUAL INTIMACY

(We recommend these questions be reserved until the 2nd or 3rd date).

1.  Have you ever been to a masseuse? What did you like or not like about it? 

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: 

1) Tells you if he/she is comfortable enough with his/her body to allow a stranger to touch it 

2) Illustrates a healthy desire for self-pampering and care.

2.  What is the most romantic thing someone has done for you? 

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Let’s you know how well he/she has been treated by past relationships and what he/she considers romantic.

3.  What is your favorite sensual/erotic movie? (Ex: Last Tango in Paris, Henry & June, Lolita…)

What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Speaks to his/her attitudes about sexuality, specifically his/her curiosity and openness.

 

 

 

8. Unconditional Love (Love & Support without Strings, Expectations and Regrets)

Times flies and I have the sense things will get harder. Use to think that I  wanted to have someone in my life so that my son would grow up knowing someone as their dad, someone to be there helping him out but due to my shyness, and circumstance I just had so many other things in life than to devote my life to seeking a life partner. Not my mission in life but it would truly make life easier or happier.

My son just asked me, "When I was little, I didn't have a dad?"  How do you answer that? He does and he doesn't and he does and I can go back and forth with all the answers. So I asked him, "Do you have a dad, now?" and he said, "Yes, he's outside." Referring to my dad... So, it's tough he's 5 yrs 8 months so very close to 6 yrs and starting kinder on  Wednesday. I know kids comes to so many realizations and I know he's growing but so many challenges do scare me a bit. 

They're truly unavoidable. But, the thought of those questions will be tough surely. 

I also start thinking what will happen if someone comes into my life. Will they be willing to take the challenge of a single mom with her son. Will they try and love my son as their own? They have no choice but to accept if they want me but I wonder if someone can handle the challenge. Will someone ever love me enough to accept me for everything I've got? What i

It's hard to ask someone to do that, I know. I don't even know if I would accept me, lol. Well, I'm biased. 

About a year ago I went out on my first official date where the guy came to my house, and rang the door bell, and well my son saw I went out with a guy and threw a fit. He's a very jealous little boy. I'm hoping he will understand but he's still young. I guess my best bet is for who ever comes in does his best to win him over. It isn't too hard but he has to trust you. I think my son's reaction truly did make him realize he wasn't ready and gave me a lesson in motherhood even though he has no kids, and then assumptions of a lot of single mothers... well, you would think that if you saw some similar behavior you would be more understanding with single mothers, it's very easy to judge and try to make others see you points of view yet you wont want a single mother because of it. 

oh life how i love thee for the challenges. i know i would avoid people the trouble by staying single but the heart screams out for love and companionship... will my son and I ever be accepted and be truly loved?... I hope so but I don't expect it to fully happen... I guess sometimes I set it up that way just in case. No one wants to be vulnerable enough but there's a point where you know you've past the point of not wanting to turn back and no matter what you want it to happen. 

I guess, I have all the experiences as guide and I use other's also. I've very observant and take everything in. I'm a sponge but I also reject a lot. I'm sorry, I'm not very interested usually. it's very rare a person actually catches my eye. 

Anyways, yes so many things to look forward to and fear all at once. I try not to think but I can't help it.