I was reading a blog on datingish Why I will not date people with kids a few days ago. Well it's refreshing to know that there are people who still feel that way. It's certainly a right people have to find a person who doesn't have a child and together form a family. It's a very sweet thought. 

Unfortunately for some of us... we can't day dream of that... and to be honest I feel what you're saying. I would myself prefer a person who doesn't have a family yet but I know like in my situation things happen. It's just another factor to add. I'm not closed to the other option of a partner that has children but given my situation I guess it's something I can't be too picky on even though I wouldn't prefer it. I think with the life I've had someone who would want to start over with me without out a family would be perfect. For me, it's already complicated being a mom...And it would be more so you being a dad. It's easier for one to have a child than both in some cases but it does depend on the people. I get what you mean about a baby's dad... I guess many people aren't as fortunate as I am with no drama or if we have arguments it's between us and it shouldn't bring down those around us but the public doesn't know. 

It's a part of life. I would say that if you find a person who is reasonably able to work out with their kid's mom or dad in a relationship then you should be fine. Sure there are problematic people out there and I sure hope you don't find those people but even they deserve a chance of love. It's a sacrifice that sometimes needs to be done or like people will do ... just don't date people who have kids...  Can you really help who you fall in love with?  I know I can't... but it's a risk of heartbreak worth the taking.

One thing being a single mother and with thoughts about dating...

Guys, You will never come first... Sad, but true. If she is a mother and a somewhat good one for that matter please don't get your hopes up and think that we will put you above and beyond any children including those we may have with you ...

Don't get me wrong. We will love you as much as we love ourselves yes and sometimes if you're lucky maybe a little more or a lot more but just as we sacrifice ourselves (which means we love ourselves enough to come 3rd in our eyes) you can come second if you deserve it but children will always come first.

Oh and if you try, try and have something in common with kids... it will make life easier for all...  You win the child over and the mom's heart... Don't worry about ex factors

If you can't handle that, don't try. You're wasting your time.  

As most stereotype of Mexicans is that they can drink and males are either quiet or loud drinkers... 

I know I got my first taste of beer when I was like 5 or 6 ... it didn't taste good but since my dad in the evening would go out for a drink (we would just hear the can opening) I would go and see what he was doing and my little sister would always tag along... I remember tugging and begging and he was always saying no. I wanted to try it but he would say no... but I'm sure here and there we would get under his skin and I got a sip....

I remember my parents always having arguments mainly because my dad drank. My dad has always been a quiet person. It takes time for you to be accepted by him but once he likes you, just don't do anything to ruin it because he wont like you anymore. Anyways, My dad has never been a person who believes in punishing kids (or in that type of disciplined -which being as we are we sure needed a few spankings- we're stubborn kids- he believed in talking, didn't always work because he was too nice) the person who always put their foot down was my mom. He has always been mellow. Never would do anything to put harm but still the alcohol bothered my mom. I guess it was the fact that he was hurting himself. He's been basically drinking since he was 12 when he use to go play music with older men around town in Mexico to make money. 

He started drinking even more so about 10-11 years ago when he was in a pretty traumatic accident... He was in a work related accident and severed most the left hand fingers... a few torn to the bone and he lost use and sensation from them.. being a musician well you basically need both hands. He always loved playing the violin and I remember seeing him trying and struggling and being frustrated because he would put his fingers on the strings but he couldn't just move one they would all move... it was sad time... (I didn't get my quinceanera... and many defining moments happened... he felt less of a person and became depressed. He wont openly admit it but his character changed a lot. Still quiet he started drinking more and going to sleep earlier... he couldn't work for a year and his job was construction he was now a liability so his work started giving him less and less work... we were struggling to stay afloat... barely making ends meet. My mom had to leave to go work so she took care of twins. I was basically the mom of the house while she was gone. I cooked and clean. I do admit while my mom was gone thing were very peaceful, we only saw her during the weekend... but my sister started going out and would just come home late... i had no control... I was losing my sibling... they were all going through their stages and I had always been the listener the goody-too-shoes , the one that was willing to sacrifice because I knew what was going on... I would try and tell my siblings to do their homework listen but it was hard... My mom came back when she realized that her being away was making the family fall apart. My dad loved us but he knew they didn't listen to him much and I was struggling... He just did his own thing as well. I guess I just made sure there was food made for everybody to eat.  And I think the worst after that when my parents were on verge of a break-up they wont admit it but my dad was telling me he was going to leave to Mexico... like he really would since he's been here since he was in his teens. And I had a feeling we were going to be on our own... My mom was in a car accident... she really looked like she was going to leave us... the face of my dad when we both saw her lying on the hospital bed moaning in pain... I know that was heartbreaking... He started drinking more... then they lost their house and he lost his pride... he didn't feel like a provider anymore... we were kicked out 2 more times from homes... we've almost been kicked out from here but things are finally getting better... Life happening took tolls on my dad and his only outlet was to drink.

Just a year ago my car broke down which my dad was using and he didn't live with us for like 3 months... we almost thought that was the perfect way to ease his way out but thankfully he came back. He missed the food, the home but parents basically became separated but living together. which makes me a but sad but what can you do. They sleep in seperate beds and any conversations just led to small arguments.  

So in the last few months we started noticing his alcohol consumption rise even more... He was drinking at least a 12 pack a day or more...my mom was counting the cans every day after he left to work in the mornings. At night he just smelled of alcohol but he kept to himself and was mellow. Everyday he drank and went to sleep  early and left early. Many times we didn't even know whether he was working or not because he never had any money to help out. times were hard. i tried looking for jobs here and nothing is/was hiring. And I was taking my mom to all her appointments... I was multi-tasking on everything... I was doing everything I could plus taking my bros to school and picking them up and taking bro to work... I was doing what I could...Thank goodness they graduated. 

Its been one week my mom has noticed my dad has not touched alcohol. He's been even more quiet, wont say a word. Comes home from work and watches tv, eats and goes to bed. I don't know if he's going out cold-turkey or what changed that suddenly he hasn't drank. I mean I'm happy as you can imagine but a quiet person like my dad worries me. I have been wanting him to go get checked for a long time just to make sure everything is ok but he refuses. My grandpa died almost 3 years ago with cancer, he fought it for years and he disregarded it for a long time... so he didn't take care of himself. May he rest in peace. Everybody says that my dad looks exactly how my grandpa did when he was younger... and we know how cancer can be carried through genetics so I worry about my dad. 

So I mean I've had my moments of drinking and whatnot... but are I keep maturing. I've had a drink here or there but it's not appealing anymore... the taste is gone. When people mention alcohol, I think I prefer not drinking than joining. I didn't have crazy crazy times in college but just like my sis and I went through our phases... And we don't really drink or smoke anymore... it's out of our system and we're glad  that's over with. 

I think a happy family is one without alcohol. Well, I don't know ... but it makes sense... 

 

I feel weak; I know you can’t see

I can’t speak, tears drowning, minor chord

I just want a kiss on my cheek but I can see that will never be.

You’re just hiding, my darkened ward

 

There are no words to express what I feel

I know I should always carry my shield

But instead I hope for magic so I can heel

But there is so much traffic and I have to yield

 

I hate to admit, I think I was right

And I hate admitting I was once again wrong

It’s the same story, even though I wish it not with all my might

In this thin rope, up so high

Holding to life as I balance in this line so tight

 

I like to sacrifice and surely it’s the road I chose

I like to be me, and I know you only see the negativity

But will you get bored; there are bees from rose to rose

I hate pain, it’s sometimes the reason I pretend to be vain.  

But, it’s a front, I have nothing to gain.

 

In my nights in the black room, staring at nothing

I think of the stars, we stare together

I don’t know if we were bluffing

But it’s the same sky we see, I wish it forever

 

It’s the lullaby of the wolves’ cry

Only to see fire in your eye,

A camp fire, lost in moments time

And open wound, droplets of lime

 

 a Unison stare at the sky,

To realize two separate worlds, was it a lie?

A dream never comes true

Unless it’s made an action by you.

 

One can’t see love, but feel it,

Much like a baby in a womb

Love is beautiful, but there is so much pain

Who feels love when there’s nothing to gain?

 

A taken life by a last cold breath before your doom

No pain lifeless strained vein

Before an eternal fate in that dark tomb

Just a drive in life’s fast lane

As we arrived, out we go in a hospital room.

 

I will always be here when you need me no matter what has happened. I will stand by yourside even if I'm thousands of miles away... I'm just a message, call away...

We know that hearts and promises will breaks but that's why we have friends. 

Trust and loyalty 

We don't do this purposely (hardly ever) but it's nice to know who cares. 

 

I don't like to see people walk away but it happens... I'm here when you need me 

Yes, you are beautiful!!! And You too, gentlemen, maybe not pretty but handsome! 

Please, don't forget that you mean a lot to me

And always (NEVER FORGET) love YOURSELF!!! 

 

There she she sits, this lonely rose. softly being tugged. She's been cut, unthorned and dropped. It's mistaken that this was the road she chose. Her beauty asks for nothing but to be viewed, yet the sight has been skewed.  

This lonely rose, sits as she's been placed.Only the wind has pushed her, her delicate body being dragged but its just the same as she's been forgotten. over or under the bridge, torn petals, arguments filled and nothing settles. Dropped by rage and stomp in disdain no one can find her as she's flown away

She has but minutes to shine for her youth is gently gone,The withering sun and nostalgic thoughts of being wanted have sucked her to her end, death an unbreakable bond. "this is the end," hissed the wind, being dragged and a small painful disfiguration ripped through her soul.

 There sits this lonely rose, No one knows her only hopes: To be picked up, placed in water and cared for.

Life is short but to her lovely sight is as to give life to a empty loveless room.

This sad rose, lays with all the spoken words, marinated and nothing said. For she lays forgotten; she never existed. She was never seen.  

 

 

To be HAPPY is to be FREE!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What makes you happy?

Yes, I kind of whine and dream and everything in between ... 

 

My eyes... To me, besides my son, they're the only thing I like.... 

not that I'm falling apart because suddenly something new happens but they happen to be weird because I'm not use to things acting up...

 

Anyways, My eyes... 

 

for a couple weeks at least when I would wear eye liner or so I think (because I haven't tried just wearing mascara to see if that happens) but they suddenly become to produce a thicker liquid and some stuff in it so I'm constantly trying to put eye drops and clean my eyes ... 

They're very irritable... So I went a couple of weeks without any make-up. I usually try not to not wear make-up but I did try my best to not try and make it seem like I'm trying to be haggard on purpose... 

I know the rule is that we're suppose to try regardless because then we look sloppy or something like that is the shpiel I hear boys or guys or men talk about women.... to either make us be more self-conscious or because they're so perfect themselves... 

My eyes are blood shot red... my eyes are irritated 

unlike when my kidneys hurt my eyes actually worry me... if this persists I will have to go to an eye doctor or something.

I don't quite remember when but after high school and beginning of college I did use a little bit of glasses it wasn't too bad though. I just could see the street names when i was driving the lights were a blur but I know I could see fine well it was annoying so my right eye was -.50 and my left -.25 so not too bad but taking vitamins I got back to 20/20 and I seen my glasses here and there and have used them when my eyes are tired but at first after a while were too strong. I don't think I need glasses but my eyes have been worn now... They're exhausted and I can't explain why. For a while I thought it was because I was using the internet a lot so I've minimized a lot in the last month and a half. In fact I I think I've even pushed people away because lately I wont really talk to anyone... I use  to be a little social online but I'm not anymore I just wont log on to chats... :/ I've gotten more involved with my family at home but a lot to myself still. 

My mom has been telling me that I look more pale and that she just sees me tired... I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm just tired so I tell her and she just says, "I know!"  She use to blame the computer but I'm less on it. 

 

<End of meaningless rant>

Since I wrote a little about dreams in my last post... 

I've always wanted a semi big house so I can have everything I wanted. What I want is to have trees have room for them so we can save and eat fruit from our own garden. naturally grown fruit and picked when ready... not matured in the stores or something, you know... 

I grew in a tiny little house but we had a huge Avocado tree... My dad loves them and as do I  

we also had a Fig Tree in the back 

a Pomegranate tree in the neighbor's year which was our aunt. Love those but hated the stains in our clothes 

i want a green apple tree

Mmmm Cherries

We always have had Guava trees 

We love Mangos too 

Nectarines/peaches

Mmm plums 

Lemons and limes trees... always come in handy with a lot of Mexican food and Lemonade 

I don't love this Guaje as much but my parents love it so I would have it just for them to pick it... But it's good with some chilachiles with sour cream or chile de carnitas and a lot of lemon

Pears 

Oranges 

Tangerines 

banana for a nice milk shake in the mornings or on cereal for breakfast 

I don't know if I'm forgetting any trees I would want... Any I could add?

thanks to @Cestovatelka I forgot one of my favorites berries... STRAWBERRIES!!! 

 

 

I also want rose bushes everywhere so I can pick them on daily bases if possible and put them in my home... 

Red Roses have always been my favorite in the world (it's probably because I love red especially a bright dark red color) 

And Lillies 

I know the trees will take a small while to grow but I wouldn't mind planting... cherry tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatillos, little chiles: Jalapenos, the little tiny spicy red/green kind, watermelon, lettuce, cabbage, onion, cactus

I know this is a lot but think about how much fresh air maintaining a garden would be... tough but fun! 

 

 

Oh and I never mentioned but I want more shade trees also and on one of those to be a tree house so my son (or kids) play... When I was little I always wanted a tree house but it never happened. If I couldn't have it maybe it possible in the future my loved ones can. 

 

When I was young I remember having many dreams and probably looking back pretty unrealistic for that matter or more like: as we grow up, perspectives change... 

When I was little (sure) I had the idea that I would be married early on in age. Like ideally I thought 22 would be great age to marry, I guess with the thought that my mom was 22 when she had me and I had no concept that they weren't married at 22 but at 24. 

I still dreamed ... 

And I dreamed that I would fined a sweet guy early on in life who would want to spend life with me...

We as girls sometimes get caught up in this image and sometimes are disappointed when we don't get married early like the media portrays all couples to. 

And then one of my biggest dreams was to actually get married under the catholic church. Walk the isle finish my sacraments as a devout girl... but finding a person with your same interests in life and being the same religion typically don't match up anymore. It can happen for many but I don't close the doors to the possibility it's not going to happen. It's a part of life we all learn to adapt in life. 

I wanted to be faithful to the religion.

It was as if I had a timeline for my life and I just assumed it would happen. By 25 I wanted to have 3 children and be happy seeing them grow... We can safely say that life never goes as you plan it. 

People are always optimistic and say just wait. I mean I have nothing better to do. But, as women get older they're sometimes considered less especially when gentlemen can get younger ladies and without children. Why would someone pick me? (just saying not really asking) 

So out of my dreams as a child so far none came true... At 22, I didn't get married. Hey but, I had a child yet I was alone with that whole part of life. 

I do admit that going college wasn't ever a part of my plan especially not really knowing what it was. My parents never talked about it since my dad only went up to 6th grade and my mom's parents were too poor to ever send her to school so wasn't part of my ambitions yet I went and graduated. Still, sadly the only one of my siblings to go and I'm the oldest and I had my son as a nice opt out if I wanted to when I was in school but didn't. 

 

I use to want a beautiful house well when I was little I thought unrealistically wanted a house with 50 rooms... I was even designing it and everything... oh foolish child. You see we grew up in a one bedroom house

(not the actual house we grew up in but was a tiny house) 

In this one bedroom... when we were little it was my parents and my sister and I ... and then like 5 people living in the living room. Then when my mom had my bros of course we made the living room in another room so my parents slept there and we all 4 kids and my grandmother and sometimes some aunts slept in the bedroom. 

Growing up like that I had big dreams... Now even though a bit short handed from my childhood dream it will still be hard to obtain a house which I would like. It's a dream and probably wont happen but if I even in my late life can get it to happen I would be happy... 

yes, very beautiful house isn't it? 

I do kind of dream big at times... I'm a big dreamer but it's because I've seen what it is to struggle and I want more not just for me but something to give to my kids and or to dream big and be hopeful. Not that materialistic life  is the way to go but sure helps a better living of course with a lot of love. 

I've never been too picky when it comes to cars but 

My first car (baby blue) 

My second car or van (no ac but it got to me college and gave friends many rides, good times) 

This is my current car which I got a month after my son was born. I haven't had much access to it for like over 2.5 years because I let my dad borrow it when he lost his truck... 

Right now I'm hoping once I start working I'll be able to get a 4 door car since my little tercel is a 2 door (maybe another toyota or a honda, unsure) ... And then I want a car I've wanted my whole life.... I know you'll think it's overrated but when it's something I've wanted, if I'm lucky I might one day make it happen. 

 

I know as far as life comes I will still dream. A dreamer, I've been my whole life with a realistic/pessimistic twist to it... but nonetheless there is hope ... 

Sure regardless of what I said above the hope is one day I will find a person in which we can compliment each other in life and our future as in goals and family. When that happens, that's when everything else will be discussed or fall in place... I will not dream the same as I did so naively when I was a little girl... but if I can have more family sure (the number tbd -to be discussed-), marriage (tbd), anything religious (tbd mainly on the children, because I'm sure the issue would not be with us), and everything else (tbd)

In this last month I've been praying a lot... I know some of you think it's pointless and others will be glad... But, that's not the point of what you feel... it's what I'm suppose to feel and where it gets me. There is so much to ponder... right now, there is so much to think about life, so much to gain and so much to learn...

I think I'm finally in a position where I can start setting realistic goals in life and slowly obtaining what I want... I put my life on pause for 4 years plus and for good reasons... I can't go back in time or change what has happened but I'm actually glad it happened as it did... I've learned a lot especially patience and love for many people and I've even learned to love and accept my self something that has taking me 26 years to do. And even though I finally know who I am, it makes me sad that people prefer me to pretend than be who I am so I have pushed people away because they thought my life was too complicated and thought I couldn't put my life together but that wasn't it at all... I was need in a different place with different responsibilities,When people don't understand that, they truly weren't meant to be apart of my life. 

I've learned a lot about people and friendship, love and dislike, family and unity, understanding and misguidance, right and wrong, religion, acceptance, and unconditional love... 

 

Here's me thinking of the perfect way to write what I need to do to get what I want in life and include you in it if you want... and if you don't, life will never end it just gives room for more changes and hope for better. 

I'm a dreamer and although I clash with dash of realism and pessimism I love all those (you) in my life.

It sucks... I slept all day yesterday which was good even though it was monday, at least I didn't have to worry about school activities with Danny. There must be something going around but this weird headaches, I'm partially deaf because I guess I have ear infections, my throat hurts but I've been taking echinacea (which I ran out) but at least I can swallow now, my body  hurts, my stomach hurts, and I have cold sweats... It sucks... It weird because I get sick but each time is different. I don't think I've been like this in years... I've been sleeping all day today just woke up a little ago. But, I mean I woke up this morning too, to make Danny breakfast, have him shower and take him to school then I knocked out again. Last night I couldn't sleep... well I did sleep but my dreams are so actively vivid that I would wake up turn and then fall back into a dream. These last couple of nights they sure have been realistic...  The night before I was in some sort of dream where FBI was trying to catch this bad guy and I was playing a small role in their set-up but even in the dream it felt like deja vu. And I'm sure more dreams... Oh and the guy got away ... but in the dream within that dream or memory which was the deja vu the guy didn't get away. I guess I remember thinking that I enjoyed doing that and I wanted to go into that field. 

Last night, was a bit different. I know Danny and I was were in this one together. I don't quite remember location but it was a deserted place (I think) some people came and invaded and they took most people captive I had told Danny to hide under some tree and stay there... I was going out to look out what was going out... and they were sending people out to find more people... So I was returning to where I told Danny to stay and there was this asian tall, long hair woman who has discreetly found him, I saw her ill intentions but someone else saw her too another female and killed her... I got there to danny who was unaware of what was about to happen and we took off running.... She was guiding us. I remember as we were crossing a section they were able to briefly see us and we disappeared into a dry tall grass but they sent people after us, I don't know what happened after that but we were running for our lives...  Fun dreams... 

I woke up, Returned a call to the district to see what I have to do for my  Activity Supervisor Clearance Certificate.  

Right now until I get an email back from CA I don't know whether I have to do another live scan or if it's in the system. I'm hoping I don't have to but we'll see... I need to get this sorted out so I do get paid this year. *Sigh*