It's been about a month since I had wrote about my son and his possibility of being retained in first grade for a second year. I send a note to  the teacher on friday and she called me back today. I am pleased to say that she has confirmed that he is doing much better in school. His writing and reading has improved. He's still weak in the subjects but there has been improvement. We're both hopeful that he might just make it unto the second grade. I've been a little more on him. And I know it's less play but it's working. It's tough on me too since I've been more tired and exhausted. I definitely look forward to fridays all the time. The end of the school year is almost here .. maybe like 3-4 more weeks or so we gotta keep going strong until the end. I'm going to have to keep him busy over the summer as well. It will  do him some well. He seems like he's starting to like books more again. This makes me happy.

 

I also signed up today for first aid/ CPR class... I hope this will help me seek out some employment at the school districts not counting the finger printings I have to do. I need something and no matter what I have to as a job. I pray to god that this will be a start. this was preventing me from some jobs are school sites but I couldn't afford it then. I have hope... I have hope... *crossing fingers* I'm pretty desperate. This person is also seeing about helping me get a sub- part time for pre-schools... So I really hope.

This morning I go into my mother's room and as I'm ready to open my mouth her phone rings. It's ok, it happens a lot. She gets calls a lot it's part of her business. But, I don't know what it is today. I'm just feeling I don't know what I feel today. I guess a little sad, like last night I felt a little un-noticed for the first time and I didn't know what to think or feel. It just felt something.  routine already. a little disappointed.

 

I go in to talk to my mom and she's busy again. maybe attention or someone to listen to me, I don't know anymore... I wanted to tell her about about a book the bf left me and I looked into the cpr class I need and the cost.... Once the phone rang I didn't matter anymore.

A couple hours later, I hear her in the kitchen and once again determined I go. And she is still on the phone with the same person. I finally tell her about the class and she says I have the money to do it. So I told her for the misunderstanding with the school district again and not getting my stipend. She said that I could get a lawyer. There's no case for $600-800... they forgot to put I'm staff so no money... I didn't know what I wanted her to say but the more she talked the more I ended up getting upset that she put me second. Maybe I'm being selfish.

She asked why I was upset. So I told her I wasn't upset. So she asked why I was upset at her? I was thinking it and I was going to tell her that she always puts her phone first. I didn't, I couldn't ... I just left. Maybe I'm too hard on everything.

 

/Clearing my head.

 

just needed to cry...

We went to Disneyland on Monday 03-18-13. It was the first time my son had an opportunity to go.  

pics are kind of backward...Oops!! 

Johnson was by himself in the Buzzlight Year ride...

My son and I took on the aliens together! 

My son's first time button! =D 

Our Expensive hats... too expensive but the memories!! 

Theirs are in cursive because it was the cheaper engrave-ment = $3... Mine was $7 because they said that my hat was thicker... Talk about rip-offs. 

This was at the end of the night right before we were about to leave. Look at my honey's poor right eye! 

I gave him pink eye, which I had the week before. But, he still looks handsome!! =D 

My son looks happy here. You know why? He was just given this bubble machine. And for free... We had just bought him his hat and he was pouty because he was falling asleep in line  waiting for the roger rabbit ride. And he was tired and bored. He hated the lines and made sure we knew every second. When we were about to pay for hat he told the  cashier that he was unhappy because we wouldn't let him get everything he wanted. If only that place wasn't so expensive. 

Picture is a little blurry but it's one of my favorites. We were in line waiting for "It's a small World" ride. 

My feet were tired and we finally sat down for a couple minutes. That in the red is my brother Orland and the girl is his girlfriend. They happen to go on the same day we were there. It was my brother's last day of leave before he went back to the Marines. He had just finished bootcamp. 

Many beautiful places there! =D 

The moment we walked into the park! =D 

This was part of our lovely trip. It was very very exhausting but it was an eye opener for my son. He knew he wouldn't get his way the way he wanted the whole time. He wants to go again and I would to take him again but I don't know if I can handle taking him again unless a little friend goes or he's more patient.

Frankly I wouldn't mind going back just myself and Johnson. We would be able to get on all the rides we want. 

I don't know. We will see what happens in the near future. To begin with Disneyland is so expensive. I wish it was more affordable. But, maybe one day I'll have nice income to afford the luxury. Someday, I hope. 

 

 

 (istockphoto)

As I deal with my more and more, I understand why my mother and father would do what they did for me and my siblings. I know back in the day parents were a lot more strict and I know I'm a little strict but not as bad they were. Even though now, sometimes I wished I was. 

With today's way of living, I can handle an "I hate you" many times over and its because I love my son that much. He's said it a few times and believe me you those first few time it hurt my feelings. I couldn't believe that what I was doing to protect him made him so upset he would yell at me that he  hated me. 

Never would have said that to my parents myself, I would have been beaten. Lol Not beaten in an abuse way but in an you better understand or you'll get more of this. And I understood. Sure sometimes I was a little scared but would still do what I wanted as a child. 

Now that I'm not a child I see things in a different light. I understand more things that I wished I understood when I was young. I was always pretty understand. Well, I was able to comprehend why they couldn't buy me everything I wanted or needed but maybe because I was the oldest. My siblings couldn't... they whined about it. I can just see my son in them. 

He acts like a spoiled brat, self righteous ... always wanting it his way. The funny thing is that he acts this way and yet he doesn't get it all. Well sometimes. It's hard being a single mom and bringing up a child. I have more help now. But, the child is still hard and stubborn. Many things he doesn't understand and doesn't want to.

 
As parents we're going to do what we need to give the opportunity of success. I've cried, been frustrated, and cried some more but I won't stop until the message I want my son to have is embedded. He needs to know what I want him to know. He will one day understand. And that's what keeps me going. 

I need to know that when he has kids of his own, he will allow himself to be hated for their greater good! and for his fortune, I hop he wont be a single parent but if he was. He would understand everything even more. 

You feel like a failure as a mother, person when you can't quite get your son up to reading level and the teacher is considering holding him back.

I need advice. I read with him. Its harder for him to read but I help him. What else can I do. I sit with him everyday to do his homework. Its sometimes a min. of an hour daily ... he's in first grade. I know nothing can go wrong if he is held back my brothers were when they were in first grade but there was a language barrier. They went from a bilingual class to all English ... but my son knows English. Schools were different then as well. I never remember my parents helping or being able to help me. And its so different now. I have to find ways to explain the homework so it makes sense.

*sigh* I'm just frustrated... I know this will end up how it should but it just makes me feel like crying. I know ... what a baby! What when you feel a bit overwhelmed ....

It's been a while since we've had a date together for a while. We  see each other every weekend and I cherish every moment. I love the closeness we have and the interaction we get with my son.

 

I do need me or us time. Not always, but here and there you know?

 

We go to the grocery store, errands, go to mass but those are things that must be done you know?

 

I'm looking forward to Saturday. We're dressing up. At this moment I really forget what but I think if I recall correctly we're going to see Wicked in Orange county. I've never seen a musical.

 

I'm so excited. He said it's because we didn't get to have a proper valentine's day. Things changed, and we ended up not doing anything as we had planned. But, it's ok. I was still able to give him what I wanted to him.

 

He always so thoughtful.

He gave me the bottle of wine that we first had together, and that I enjoyed, but filled with little stars he made himself. <3 This gifts are always so thoughtful! He puts thoughts into what he does.

He had the right half and I have the left half.

 

He is the sweetest most kind person in the world that I've had the pleasure to meet. I don't think I would ever be able to meet a most genuine and kind hearted person. This man definitely took my heart And I love him with all that I've got. I've never felt so complete having my son by my side and this man by my side.

So I went to my regular every 3 months check with the Doc... well girl doc because I don't have a real primary check up doc anyways... so

 

Ok you can stop reading if TMI or you don't want to know....

 

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So as went to the doctor to get my refill on birth control.... I mean at the moment it doesn't really matter if I take it or not but since I was pregnant with my son I vowed that I would always use it regardless but at the moment not really being intimate. But, as us today I've been 85 days late.... 

 

wait, wait, wait....

NO, I'm not. I was surprised when they asked me to pee in a cup they hadn't done that but at the same thought I guess it could have been a possibility but not really since I take my bc regularly. The test came out negative of course.

I was on Lo loestrin but since I haven't had my cycle in like a few months my doc thought it's starting to make me gain a little weight. She said I have to exercise but I had already started doing that. So then she decided to then change my BC.

She changed it to Ortho Trycyclen ... I still don't know but apparently I should being getting it in like 4 weeks... I have really enjoyed saving money on not having to  buy products and feel discomfort but I guess it's everybody's (well girl's) burden to bear.

Once I get it she wants me to stop pills for 5 days (she didn't even let me finish my old pack to start so I'm a week early now) but I guess it gets regulated because once I get stop pills and then start them again. But, since I hate theside affects of changing bc she said that it might be very heavy flow for the whole time. And if it lasts more than 10 days to go back. That's what I'm worried. Last time I started the last bc, I swear for that whole month I probably had a 7-10 break... aunt flow is no fun!

Sorry for those of you who read if any. Who can I really talk to about this but myself but I hate it repeated in my head so at least it's here with my personal or public journal. Not so much journal as it is an outlet. Nobody cares but I just needed it out of my chest.

Today I was so without energy and so tired. I still went walking the mile  and half like every morning. I just wanted to relax but it was a busy day.And goodness so irritable. Ahhhh!!!!!

OK, until something else comes up.

 

 

Well Since you have last seen me. I changed my hair color the end of December but since I want to up keep it up I just retouched it a few days ago and I thinned out my eye brows a bit and well trying new things with make-up. It's the first picture I'm semi satisfied with in a long time.

 

What to do you think?

 

Do you like it?

Well yesterday was the Super Bowl. I've never been a huge fan of football... I was a band nerd so the only reason I ever saw the sport was because we were forced to play pep music. Yes, so much fun being in the cold, not being able to snack ... wait off topic... So this is the 2nd year we kind of watch super bowl and I say kind of because Johnson is a football fan not I. =D Either way, his team wasn't  playing but we were going to enjoy time together.

 

 He made burgers, he made his own patties and stuffed them with cheese and jalapenos and we made home made fries and well we even made chicken wings and he made some bbq, buffalo sauce and garlic Parmesan, This man goes all out and it's a delicious reward. =D 

So while we were making all that the game was about the start and he said he was rooting for the 49ers ... woot woot... what California in their right mind wasn't doing that. I asked him is he bet on the game an he said no. And I asked him if he wanted to. He said sure. But the question was what were we betting???

 

Dun dun DUN!!!!!

I said his choice and we don't bet money just different small items.

 

He finally came up with one. He said that if I won that we would go with me to watch Les Mis .... and I said deal. You see, I've been wanting to watch this movie. I don't know why but I want to watch and it was the first time I asked him to go see a movie with me and he said no. Every time I've asked he has said no. So of course it made me watch it even more but I couldn't and for the first time I didn't want to go alone and I didn't want to go with anyone else. I rather not watch it at all. Oh well....

 

Then he was asking me... what don't you like. So I said, you know me well enough so figure it out. So he said, if he won he wouldn't have to watch starwars when it came out. I said deal. I don't know if I'd want to watch them anyways so it didn't feel like much of a lost anyways. But, I agreed. he tried changing it when we saw the debut trailer of fast 6 because we're going to go watch in may... I like those movies and have bee waiting for like 3 yrs for this one.  don't care if you don't like it but I do. =D
And I said no. We agreed to starwars and that was that. You see, he's never see a starwars movie and nor does he  want to. My son and I like watching the movies. We're cool people. My sister's boyfriend was always trying to get her to watch them as well and he always declined but just a few months ago he finally watch the movies and he likes them... yay So Johnson said well then if it took you so long to watch the movies then I will wait that long too... We have a countdown going until we will have a star wars marathon and he will watch them all. We have 1827 days to go until that ... a little over5 years... fun... i think he'll cave in but I don't know, he might not.

 

And so who won? Baltimore Ravens and so won the wager, I did.... it was a close call and for a small while it seemed as if I wasn't going to see Les Mis but it seems as I will soon. A movie date night. Yay!! =D

 

That was our sunday!

So we're so close to Valentine's Day, what like 2 weeks away. I don't know what to do or give my lovely bf.. HELP!! Been thinking for a long time time but I'm blank. Any ideas would be wonderful.

Anyways, regardless of that day being the day of love, I know we don't have to give each other anything or he doesn't because he shows me love all the time and that's more special than showing love only one day of the year. 

We have decided we're going to go to this restaurant that's buffet style but the food there is delicious. you can have steak and shrimp and you don't pay for the steak and shrimp cost but you still get the taste. Yummy! He asked me to invite my parents so they're going to go and we're taking my son. So it will be a nice family time out. Well almost how it is every weekend anyways. =D Sundays it's usually all 5 of us when we eat but it never makes it less special. 

 

On February 16th we're going on a little birthday party with a friend of his so that will be nice. 

 

On the 17th we're celebrating my sister's 26th birthday on a sunday brunch thing after mass. And she said we would celebrate both our birthdays just how when we were little but her birthday is on feb 16th and mine was on January 7th but nonetheless the thought of her including me is nice. 

those are busy days. 

 

Lent

The time of reflection within ourselves is here. February 13 is the beginning of lent with Ash Wedensday.... so all you wondering when MARDI GRAS is ... (FAT TUESDAY) it will be tuesday FEB 12 =D 

So Johnson and I have decided to get to know each other as a couple better and reflect and communicate better more than the affectionate ways during this time of reflection. I'm sure it will help us grow in our faith together and allow us to understand each other in different ways. So it happens to come before V-day it's ok. Because there is a deeper love and a love we have to share with God and ourselves. If we never sacrifice or challenge ourselves when will we meet who we are and if we're truly up to doing it for the long run. 

 

See i go to a prayer group every friday night with my mom and I have learned so much more about our faith and honestly a lot has to do with faith. And Johnson and I go to mass every sunday and then he goes off to his RCIA classes and then I learn about what he learned and it helps me as well. It seems as God has the right people places in my life for it to get better. My Son goes to mass with us. He still doesn't quite get it but in a way I understand because I'm barely trying to understand. At least we get him there. It first started with allowing his to use our phones and play games and once he started going slowly took the phone away and now he's better, not always happy but we're all together. And he's behaving well so I'm one happy mom. =D And he's mellow and loves going to the prayer group. mainly because the kids but he goes and next year he will go to catechism and he will learn more and tell me about it. =D 

Alright, so I guess I'm starting to write again and it feels great. =D