November 29, 2012

• Maybe no college is better than debt

  Five almost 6 years ago after so much work and dedication I managed to graduate from a private university after 4 years. Mind you it was a real struggle. The minorities in this country for the minority in this school but it was ok. I loved the campus, it's beautiful. I cried to finish and get out in time. It was hard work and many sleepless night and juggling of job, personal life and school work. I did have to drop my other major with happened to be Psychology but even if I would have gotten it. it would be useless right now anyways. (I'll come back to this) 

   

  See At the end of my sophomore year. I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and alone and didn't have anywhere to turn. The only people who knew were my close friends in school. I know they feared for me too. At that moment in life, I felt the roof coming down on me. I felt like my life had ended. I suppose I'm glad that it didn't and I have a precious boy. But, there were so many struggles. I had to sometimes take the newly born child to class to take him to his dr appointments. I had myself only to rely. I was a single mother. And, it was tough. I don't  know how I got through much of it but I thank God that he and my family helped watch over the small innocent child. I hardly slept but it was my burden to bear. I didn't even have a chance to live. But, why should I? I needed to finish school... I needed to start getting my degree to work on my favor. 

  When the exit interview happened I was so relieved to be done, I didn't want to go to the graduation. I felt as though a college graduation was a lot less important that what the high school graduation felt like but it was  obviously more important. 

  I went to graduation for my family and I was never so relieved to walk and be done with this. I was happy. I was. 

  then there was no work and there was the pressure of not having a job and school loans were due. 

   

  I started hearing about friends getting their degrees in the mail or diploma... what ever that's called. I got sad. I never got mine. I started thinking to myself... what if I really didn't graduate. I was living in this fear. It was agonizing so I lived with it. I wanted it but I didn't know what to do. 

   

  A few days ago, a  friend told me she was getting this job that would train her. She just needed to show her transcripts to have taken some classes. She said since I work with students now that I would probably be paid higher. It seems appealing and not too bad. 

  I called my University and talked to them about my diploma and transcripts and they said they can't release them because I owe money. I graduated but not done. 

  I don't have a job and I can't get a better or a little higher paying job because I can't use my diploma. I wont get hired in a stupid minimum. I need to pay like $11,000 until they will release my Diploma or any transcripts. Can you imagine how long it will take me pay that off?  Then I can get a more worthy job that I worked so much of my life for? Maybe, I suppose.... 

  Teachers where I work have insisted me to become a sub. I took the test once. And didn't pass *sad face* I wanted to take it again so I can start getting paid and take care of my loans. I need to take care of those and then I looked up the requirements. I need to turn in transcripts ... well I'm stumped. I can't do a single thing what will give me decent money without copies of what I did in college. 

   

  Talk about a kick in the face when you're already feeling down. There is nothing I can do but accept the fact that I'm in  the same position as a student who just graduated from High school. I only have that Diploma as proof. 

  I think a higher power hates me a little and tries to cover it up in different ways. Or I don't know. I feels like there's no way out of this. This means I'll probably be 40 when I can finally go to grad school or something. 

  I thought a higher education was suppose to make your life easier not worse. I don't know. I guess this is where you know who prevails in those situations and why people without money are conscious now not to go to school. The rich wonder why we can't go to school, they hold our degrees hostage. It's ok I suppose I guess I should have been smart enough to follow my dream. So stupid and naive for this mexican girl who knew nothing about life choose to follow her heart. I think that if I wouldn't have gone to college I'd be in the same place and probably better because I wouldn't have all this debt at least. 

  I'm so out of words. I feel happy one moment and sad the next. I know this doesn't matter to any of you and there is nothing that can be done. I guess I'm the only one that can cheer myself up but I can't right now. I'm just so emotional. I feel so unhappy and sad. I want to not feel like this but I don't know how. 

  I want to do more but I don't know how. 

   

  I suppose that:

  

  I suppose I can have no money at all. I suppose I would have done my dream and I wouldn't have wonderful students to teach. I suppose that I wouldn't have an impact on any kids at all. I'm sure things can be worse. I can be out of the street. Have no transportation.  

   

  Maybe I should think of these but *sigh*

  • 10:13 pm
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