May 15, 2013

• Nothing’s wrong mind you…

   But something I get these thoughts and I know they’re not nice or good… I try fighting them making and them go away. I’ve been hiding them them forever. It’s like they just don’t want to leave me. Lately they’ve been worse and I feel so guilty. It burns my inside. I’m trying harder.

  All I see is myself at the end of the edge just waiting to leap. It feels like everything will be all better that way. But, then I wonder for who. you know? I just feel like lately I do is put people down, like my mood is disappointing and I’m hating myself for it. I feel needy but who likes that so I repress. I feel a bit anxious too. I’m overwhelmed with myself. It sometimes feel like if I go, everybody would be relieved. it’s not like anybody really remembers. But, let’s be honest I’m not those kinds of people. I just need a release, and nothing gives it to me. I use to cut to make me feel better from this place but I can’t even do that. There isn’t a place I can hide. I don’t need time off, I don’t need to go away but useless sometimes.

  You gotta love these hormones lately. I pity when I feel this way. It’s like being on the outside looking in with disgust. All I really want is a drink. I just want to see why other’s drink to feel better. I don’t want to get drunk though. I wont buy alcohol though. I don’t like buying stuff really.

  My mind is tired of talking to itself. It’s going around in circles it doesn’t have clarity at the moment.

  I’m a grownup everything is suppose to make sense. Everything is suppose to be together already. As I get older I feel I’m losing control and I feel more like a child. Like with age I’m losing wisdom.

  I wake up so many times at night. During the day, time flies… my life is running away… Am I really alive at the moment?

  I should really be grateful for life. I have a beautiful son, a loving and caring boyfriend… I have 2 arms and legs … I get to teach my passion a couple times a month. I don’t know what’s wrong with me? Why do I feel this way…

  Why do the tears not stop at times. Maybe, it’s because it’s night time?

  Other times I really really want a baby… I actually find myself wanting a child for the first time in my life.

  Then, I wonder why would I want to … I feel selfish thinking about the future. Then I fight myself back and forth. The really wanting a child wins but I don’t know … I know I wont be alone. But, I’m afraid of being alone again.

  This must all be normal. I don’t know… *sigh*

  Why  does my brain do this… Sometimes it feels like it masks my weakness with strength… I’m not strong at the moment. If somebody were to ask me to explain further, I’d be stumped. I have no explanation for feeling worthless. I just do. i have no reason for wanting to end it, I just have a reasons not to. How can I feel so my discontent when life is beautiful and I see happiness in everyday… That’s what I dont get. Why?

  And why do I sometimes still feel alone? Am I doing something wrong?

  It seems like my heart is racing less so maybe i’m feeling better, for now.

   

  • 1:20 am
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