November 14, 2012
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What are your thoughts on divorce? Are you or your parents divorced? How has it affected you?
Divorce has always had it's negative connotations when it comes to keeping a family together. And I use to think that divorce is the worse thing in the world. As I have come to mature with age which is not vbery much since I am only 27, a single mother and unwed, I don't see divorce as such a bad thing. Hold on first let me explain something first. I suppose as a person, if I had to divorce seeing how I have never been married it would feel as a small failure but seeing a bystander view of others sometimes it's important for that ability to be available.
I am catholic so we know the religious point of view doesn't agree but at the same time there is even a loophole though the church as well.during the past 5 years or so my parents have been going through a rough patch in their lives. You may call it their id-life crisis or my dad's way to try and be a little childish since he never had a childhood then again neither did my mother. They always had to work and earn their way since they were young. My mother wasn't allowed to go to school because my grandpa thought it was useless and my dad had a 6th grade schooling because he needed to work and make money. They grew up in Mexico. Not many resources. They met, they got together, they had me and were married a year after my birth or so. They didn't know much about each other.Now as older they were having many arguments, no communication, and they just couldn't stand being in the same room. It hurt seeing the awkward silence or seeing how ever small word lead to an argument, even a compliment.At the point where my dad kept saying he wanted to leave not to anyone ... just me... or I think just me because my mom didn't seem to know.My mom just complained about everything about him and for a long time she said she loved him but she was fed up and preferred trying to earn her own way without him. And this was all to me. None of my siblings have patience to hear their nonsense, but I figured that since sometimes I was going crazy with the thought running through my head what's listening to more craziness.I was finally okay with the idea that divorce was okay because i thought that maybe they're learn more about each other and stop taking each other for granted. I'm sure they can live without each other but at the same time I don't think they can. They even when they disprove some how still take care of each other when they're sick, feeling bad and what not. I don't think anyone would come in and do that for them unless it was us their kids and I don't see my siblings doing it is. One lives with her bf an hour away, another is married and well he's a marine so he's not around, the other is my other bro but he's about to leave for the marines also. I'm left and have been more constant with them since I'm a single mother and can't afford much but I'm still hopeful that I will have a life of my own with just my son and maybe a lucky person. We're all starting our lives but I suppose circumstances will arise when they do.I do live by the thought that if I ever get married I know enough of this person to withstand whatever it is and be able to wok it out so the "divorce" question will never be an option. I like to think that it can happen like it has in the past and work with each other. But, I suppose that that is some challenges that I will encounter when and if I ever do get married.There are a few people who I think should be divorced and it's mainly because abuse. irreconcilable differences is a stupid way to opt-out. But, I do think that some people marry wrong and that was a chose they made and if they have kids the kids suffer for it. People should be aware of the commitment that comes with marriage and the meaning of forming a life together. Whether a man and a woman, a woman and a woman or a man and a man. A partnership is all the same and it will always affect those near them not just them.I know I was all over the place but this is how I feel. And I just feel like writing since I've been keeping much in since I haven't been able to write much. *sigh*
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Comments (11)
Well you already know what I feel about this...
Originally... Im not the person to think of divorce ... I think I've proved that one but .... Too much is too much and even in our religion(i say our bc they derive from the same thing) approves of my soon to be reason for a divorce ... The sole reason a divorce is valid is cheating ....then one can be blessed if another marriage should arise ... *shrugs*
Touchy touchy subject....
"I do live by the thought that if I ever get married I know enough of this person to withstand whatever it is and be able to wok it out so the "divorce" question will never be an option."
Best... argument... to... prevent... divorce... ever!
There are always things people can hide, yes. But if everyone put that attitude into marriage, I really believe we would see the divorce rate plummet.
I think every marriage can be saved. Even abuse and cheaters. The key is, BOTH parties need to want it to work. We've become this society of "eh... if it don't work, we'll just get a divorce" mentality, and they never think of the ramifications. The cost to themselves. The burden on the court system. The burden on any children involved. Even in amicable divorces, it takes a hell of a toll on the children, grown or young.
It's cliche, but I'll say it. Communication is key. No secrets (other than what you get for presents lol), no hiding feelings, express those feelings in a non-complaining manner, etc.
I don't think the key is stopping divorce... the key lays in stopping mad marriages from happening.
I don't have a problem with divorce for whatever reason. My mother is married and divorced twice, and truth be told, she's a crazy bitch who has no business being married, so I totally understand why she's been divorced twice.
That said, I wish more people realized they had no business being married (take me for example, I know very well I have no business being married because I have serious commitment issues and I just can't do monogamy). If they realized that and never married, that would be the best possible thing that could happen. Alas, some people have to learn the hard way (take my mother for instance).
If only marriage could be split away from childbearing.
Yes the attraction of sex entices a man into marriage and the joys of childbearing is enticing for a woman to get into marriage and stay married.
Hence a lot of people after their children are grown do decide to get divorced.
Who is to say that the values people look for in the beginning of a relationship will be the same values many years later? With experience comes the ability to see other options. With time lust fades and mutual respect becomes more important.
Yes you touched a lot of territory about marriage and divorce. I wonder if the same values changed with your parents and they refuse to share similar values just out of spite or that they have developed new values/or coping techniques?
I think divorce is necessary if it has, what I call, the three A's. Abuse, adultery, and/or addiction. Amongst my relatives, my parents were the only ones divorced. And thank god for it. My dad was a cheating, lying, good-for-nothing, adulterous, major shitbag, wife abuser. For years, my mom tried to put up with his asshole ways because she wanted to make the marriage work for better or worse. Lots of worse, I tell you.
When I was a young teen, I begged my mom to divorce him and she finally did so after one too many beatings. I'm not married, but if I were, my experience with observing my parents' tumultuous marriage has made me realize divorce isn't such a bad thing. I think I'm in healthier relationships because of it. I don't put up with shit. Please excuse my language. When it comes to divorce as a result of abuse, I become quite colorful with my words.
My parents are still married and my lover/husband and I have been married for 29 and a half years now. It does take an attitude like you have, a lot of hard work and a desire to make the relationship work no matter what storms one may weather.It's definitely possible to have a great, loving marriage w/out divorce. Having said that, I made it clear that if I were ever abused or my husband cheated on me, I'd leave him. So yeah, I have to agree with heart_leigh in the three A's case.
@Snoog420 - I know it is a touchy subject and I suppose due to some circumstances there are some things people can't put up with time after time. It sucks, we all do what we have to accordingly. And yea, I agree it's our religion, they're all based on the same principles we just have a slightly different way of paying our respects but all in all the morality if it all is the same.
@grim_truth - Thank you. I do feel that having a certain mentality will hopefully help me. Well as it has come into conversation with my boyfriend we have the same beliefs in the sort about divorce and going into something to go through the roller coaster together and not just call it quits. I'm sure like many things in life marriage can be a tough pickle but it can be doable if that is what we really want.
I agree both parties must want it but the cheaters and the abusers are the ones who have more to lose because they will lose control and lose the ability to over power and for the most poart they don';t think they're the problem with is the problem. I think the abused and cheated on for the most part want to try and work things out and I know a friend who does but the other person doesn't or doesn't think he has a problem. Now it's hard to fix things when the people with the problem do not think there is something wrong with them, you know?
And as cliche as you think it sounds and it probably is haha but you're right. Communication is the most important factor in any relationship there is. Communication is the foundation and without there is no room for improvement.
@secretbeerreporter - yea, knowing your story I think your point of view is defined by your life and that that your parents put out for you. There are certainly people who should be married or just didn't know it at the time. I feel people, all people can, including your mom but there are issues that must be resolved in order for them to be able to maintain a healthy relationship. Must need some therapy for that. But, I don't know. Whether a person is crazy or not there are people who love that about people but there also the factor how they met, what they find when they meet and what comes out from the closet the minute they live together, or even get married. You know. I'm glad you've realized you don't want to get married and mainly one day you'll change your mind. You're still very young in age and perspectives change with time. It's better learn late than never of course. You just have to learn in a different way.
@PPhilip - I don't think childbearing should be separate from marriage. I think both parties should want to have kids. If they don't agree with kids than they aren't compatible because that issue can become a huge issue in the future. Child bearing without the couple is hard because then if it was separate there wouldn't be a support system for both the male and female and no matter what the female would be considered sole responsible for actions and guys wouldn't take any responsibility and would be just knocking up people, well in my opinion. I don't know.
Well it's a choice some people take to wait. It is damaging to kids but no matter what it can still be hurtful. I think that if parents talked to their kids as well then it would be an issue that the children would be able to understand. I suppose age of the children would be in consideration for maturity level because they shouldn't feel it's their fault in any way.
Maybe the values will change but people should know how to compromise and learn to grow to respect each other. If a couple has that then they're able to learn together and cooperate to makes things better, regardless of the values. And even values don't change far too much or the values sync more than anything if there is communication.
Honestly, I don't feel like their values have changed. The only that thought of divorce was my mom because she thought my dad wanted to leave and she would want him to have his freedom. My dad has never mentioned anything about divorce. They're both pretty strong in their religious believes which say a lot of their values as a couple married in the church. I think that years pass and they haven't much time for each other and times have been tough with money, the little alcohol my dad drinks, but he's not abusive, and my mom had a huge car accident and a brain surgery which also put a lot into perspective for my dad. But, I don't know, the issue underlined them is that they don't know how to communicate and my dad doesn't think he needs help. Don't some disagreement.
@heart_leigh - yes, I agree. Those 3 A's are a definite no no and it must be tough growing up as a child in that environment. It surely brings a lot into perspective for when you want to be in a relationship and the kind of person that you want in your life. Don't worry about the language. =D That's nothing but I feel what you're saying.
It's very important to know reg flags of those types of abuse even before they show them. And it's surely a good thing you have a healthier type of relationships. Some people fall back into that cycle.Good thing you didn't.
@stephensmustang - 29 years, now that is admirable. Attitude is very important and so is communication and the respect a couple has for each other. If those barriers are sets people wont over step where they shouldn't. I think some people push their limits and the other couple doesn't realize it until it's too late and they don't know how to get out of it. It's easier to point out when they try and tell you what to do in a minor thing and avoid the crossing the line. They might be a little mad at the beginning but it's a form to avoid. Marriage I'm sure takes a lot of works and not to mention when you have kids and some disagreements. And those 3 A's are very important in being able to avoid too much pain and suffering. Leaving a person can be tough at first but all the years that you can safe from your own life. I'm glad you're happily marriage and I wish many many more years of happiness to come. =D Congrats on your years and your parents' years of their marriage.
@pinktiger335 - You are so right. I wonder if your mom's brain issue has anything to do with what is going on. My husband had encephalitis and it left him with an ABI (aquired brain injury) So much is different about him now and he has a difficult time communicating, showing emotions (except negative ones), short term memory loss, etc. Just a thought. Hang in there.
@stephensmustang - I have no idea. I suppose only my parents know other things we might not now. I'm so sorry about your husband. The brain does have a lot to do with all our body. I know her tumor was so embedded in her head it had wired itself with nerves so sometimes it will hurts in weird places. and it damaged some of her eyes. We can only be as supportive as we can and just be there for them.
You are one strong person. You hang in there as well! *hug*
well... I do think people are a little too quick to get a divorce sometimes...