Late entry ... 

I guess I'm a little slow when it comes to challenges so here is my hand written note... I hate my writing... it never comes out how I want it to but I guess it's mine regardless...  

 

@BFB1131

 

 

Suddenly and lately I have no reason to write.... well I have million reason to write and express what I feel. 

But....

The thing is that usually what I would write, instead of writing what I am thinking and what I am feeling, I can express all those emotions and feelings towards actual people or a person. I don't have anything to say because every moment we spend together is just expression of everything I would be writing. Every moment since, November 2nd my life has taken a small and obvious change... A day that started and continued to be a memorable for one of the worse days ended up being counter acted into the complete opposite and a pivot in my life. 

I start thinking of the stupid "What ifs" ... What if I never would have written I was bored on xanga and someone chat with me... what if no one would have canceled on me on that day... what if the xanga chat would have gone down earlier... "what if" this... "what if" that... the truth is that if all those "what ifs" would have happen the opposite than they did, my life would be the same as it was, not  as it is now. I would still have the same mentality "same sh*t different day." In reality I would be ok. Why? Because in my mind I was already ok. I was already focused on something in me and that was making my own little change and of course still continue to keep the population at a distance and disregard people who cared. I didn't need pressure to care for people who didn't care for me. I would still be the pessimistic -my cup is half empty- and you know what .. *my cup is half empty* still not because I don't see the good out there but because I want to fill the rest of it. I want it to be full and continue being full of happiness. 

My life would be the same.... 

Something changed that day. I wasn't quite sure what it was but I suddenly had found another friend. A friend I wanted to see more and who I was excited to talk to. Since I decided to be better and disregard the negativity that can bring us down in life. I learned that if I wanted to be happy, I wasn't going to depend on others. I don't think I need someone to be happy, but someone can make me happy regardless. I had started making my own personal realizations with my human nature to fail constantly but for once I wasn't falling all the way down. My guard wasn't down, and I learned more about people... their personalities and actions. I paid enough attention to guys to know....I can't always pin point what it is but I'll know when you're genuine. 

My life is the same but I have an added seasoning to my daily dosage of life. It's sprinkled on my every morning to start off the day and it always topped off at night when I'm going to bed. I have to admit a little extra flavor sure makes for the entree that much better. But, this only happens when you've had the new taste. Before, you had tasted, you would be happy with the way things were. And that's how it happened. I like this taste and I like it a lot. I don't want it to go anywhere. It's something unlike I've ever had. And I will try to do everything for it to stay. 

I know everything is too soon and everything seems so perfect and it's the way it should be. There is a reason why you compliment a person in their lives rather than are sourness and negativity. Trust and communication will always be the two biggest qualities. I think there is both. I know I've mistaken happiness before but those were only continued with my tantrums... childlike need to cry and kick to get what they want. But, they weren't an expression to really get what I wanted, it was more because I couldn't have it and my tears on sadness and loss of control would consume me. I don't have that anymore. I don't feel mad, sad, angry, upset... I don't feel like there is something I want my way because everything is as it should be. 

The funny thing is that with people I've met and known and dated... from the first couple of days of knowing them... I'll know what we'll be arguing over. I always try and make sure a person knows who and why and how I am. I'm not one to be into surprises (I like them[surprises] but ... it's a control issue) but I don't like surprising either - I have a hard time with that. I'm pretty predictable with a few twists here and there(I'd say) but or I can differ but I am easy to read, easy too satisfy- to be happy, so I let them know. This is how I am... I've given people the opportunity to still get to know me (knowing in the back of my mind they will not accept) it's not fun seeing yourself having to change to accommodate others (and you shouldn't have to) but sometimes you're hopeful and try but only to still be turned down or not accepted. Yet, Even though you already knew the outcome you still wanted to give it a go. 

For the first time, I don't know what an argument can really arise from right now. I feel accepted and wanted. You can say everything is to early to know but it's not. You either know, confused, or don't know... There are certainties that cannot be denied. The beginning of a fun adventure, I see. And let's see how we can handle the challenges that are ahead. Nothing is ever easy but it can  be if we want them to. 

I've finally realized why some people like to write about their personal lives and others don't. Some care whether you do and other's don't. But, when you really think about it, it's more about a factor that what you write can affect a person in a positive or negative way depending on life circumstances. What can be happy for you, can be devastating for another... which happens to be many cases and why most people don't like to involve their blogging with their personal lives. Sure, you have friends who are accepting but how many will accept knowing every little thing... well if they're your real friends then they will[accept] but how many of us have true shallow friends??

We  know that IRL people love to judge and compare... actually, if we notice people do that here. If you're skinny, or fat, or talk to much, or don't talk much (which you don't get noticed), or flirt, or blah blah blah etc... human nature. I guess we're not perfect (that's for damn sure) but what happens when people with his superior complex come into your life... well not really your life but internet life in which you thought you didn't have to worry about jerks like you did in real life. originally you would drop off and go somewhere off, you run away. It's easier than dealing with shit. I know I've done but when you meet great people you suddenly feel a connection you just don't pick up and leave... you can, but it's not that simple anymore. 

I guess the easiest part of here is the lack of a physical or life appearance yet many have had it and it's wonderful but while some have that to go by other's go by the picture, voice, writing style and the perceived image they have on a person.

A problem I've had in the past is that I don't get emotionally attached. I try and not connect as much. It's what I've done in life (not that it's lead to loneliness but); it's lead to less deception or lack of control. You have control over the little that is involved in your life. The thing that happens is when you actually create a connection and there is more to lose. there is a strong bond you can't avoid and like the light you see when you're dying, it just seems like the right thing to do is to follow. I rarely do... I am bad with remembering (some stuff) not convenience, it just happens but I dislike going past a certain moment in life. 

Maybe it's never been easy, maybe i've complicated it enough as a youngster but maybe I didn't have control. Not that I do now but I can pick and chose when I'm strong enough. Even though, there are times when you fall and you fall exactly when you dreamed yet never thought it would be. You want to hold back but it's so much easier to let go, you're scared but you want it. You know that the pain might be worth the risk and you fall head first. You choose day by day as the fall seems more perfect... 

You hope that thee floor never comes because the fall is just as perfect and weighless as you've always imagined. Dreams become a reality and sometimes, hitting the floor isn't too bad but it's only by the choices you make on daily basis that will lighten the fall and break you to pieces. We are taught to look out and fend for yourselves... Look out for #1... You are  your number 1! but, isn't it better to give than receive? Doesn't it feel better to put others before you? to know that you've been there and helped and made a person smile, made their day, helped them out in their moments of need? I don't know about you but sadly and gladly I've never been my number one not in my life. I've lived a life of serving (in a sense) and helping to their own needs ... sure sometimes it was a beer run (college) but I had the car and they didn't... 

Sorry about the tangents and rambling... It's just that seeing  my family, knowing who we can rely on and trust, trusting them that I have a boyfriend and not hiding because I feel I will get judged feels so damn nice. I've only ever mentioned that I've dated one person... in my life to my family. It's not that I don't trust them but they're quick to ask questions. I can't answer to their needs but this time everything is perfect. It's easy and I am not hiding a thing. My son knows which is the hardest and he understand and is happy. I  can never speak for the day of tomorrow but I know that what ever happens I'm happy that it's happened the way it did.

I do worry about tomorrow sometimes but it's ok... I worry about some pains that I get but I just hope for the best and oh well, right. I live with the moments in life and let myself be led by the wind. I guess I've never been happier and it's the way life should be. When you share a smile with someone... it's not about getting one back but maybe helping their day get a little bit better. 

I'm just so surprised how life can change in a spur of a moment, how a person can come and mean so you and you to them. It's a strange feeling not because it's strange but because finally everything feels alright. Like you want to tell but you want to keep it as your own little secret. 

When I was pregnant there was tears of desperation and concern, tears of judgement and tears of the unknown.... when he was born there was tears of pain, tears of happiness and love. Now, I still have some tears but they don't consist of pain or unhappiness but still continuous joy and excitement. I'm more than happy... I can't explain but he knows and that's all that matters to me. 

Anyways, I just needed to blindly write... sorry i didn't re-read for mistakes and whatnot but I just needed to write and just write... 

So, when I'm home I go pick up Danny from the bus stop... 

 

I started asking him how school was and he always says it's, "fine" ... everytime I ask him what he ate... he says, "I don't remember" but today he said that at first and then he started talking about eating something that was "uncooked fish" and that it was "Gross" ... I don't know what it could be but he thought it was "nasty" 

 

then he tells me that Santa Claus went to his school... 

in a fire truck he says.... 

 

Then he says that he gave them pencils... and I told him and "how cool" ... and he says, "That's it... he gave us pencils... I don't want pencils. I want presents!!" 

I couldn't help but laugh... 

"That's it" Santa Claus gave them pencils... lol 

I guess we all know I can be clumsy... a ditz at times ... 

 

I'll trust you... "Don't let me fall" 

 

=D 

I never quite knew the term "sweeping off your feet" was real... I thought it was some bullshit the movie industry invented to sell movies... 

Maybe it's just meant for clumsy girls who keep falling, for naturally we were swept off our feet. 

Wait, if you're in the industry, is it to sell movies or for clumsy girls?

Not many people are searching for it when it happens and much less when you've only led a life time of disappointments, a life devoted for this little person in your life. You never thought it's possible someone can actually want you and everything you can burden them with. 

 

It's something we all long for yet many don't understand how to obtain it. Too scared to be put on the line but a few have the courage to risk it and see what happens. Others give up before they even gave it chance. 

I tend to be a person who can be HAPPY with a simple "Hello" ... a simple "hello" that is dispersed by days at a time if that's how you started... I don't care if you tell me "hello" every few days as long as it's every few days... I like consistency. I'm absent minded but I get clocked worked into routine so easily. I don't care if you have a life, I don't care if you spend your time with friends, work, get overtime worked or work 24 hours straight. I'm busy too but a sec I do love to talk, text and chat and most important I love seeing you... well if you want. 

Skype date anyone? 

 

I learn to adapt. I've done it with my life with everybody in it. I am just a tool (at times, yes I admit it because it's true) to ease the life of others, it's what I became when I gave up free will. But, my intention was never to just be that, it's to spread my wings and fly. To be honest: I've never felt so alive as I do now. I've met many great people who have impacted my  life but I can't believe this is happening, I've met a person who is unlike anyone. Hopeless romantic, corny, loves taking pictures, spending time, talking... you name it and it's there. I haven't felt so lucky that someone is not embarrassed to talk about me.  See, I'm a pretty happy person or you're calling my bluff? ok I get distracted with shiny things, lol...jk I just learned to cope, it's hard. But, Suddenly I feel great in places that I hadn't had much of a connection with for a while...  

I just tear up of happiness because I can't control or express how I feel, I'm just overwhelmed with happiness. It's not normal and I feel weird. Not because I'm not a crybaby... I'm emotional roller coaster... I mean *cough* I got something in my eye!!  

It just suddenly feels too good to be true. 

As youngin' we were thought: "If something seems to good to be true, it probably is." I can't tell now but this is more than I've ever had so if it all went away I could say I  had this all for the first time in my life. 

I will  say that the moment he held my hand it never felt nicer, I don't think that had happened in like 9-10 yrs. You don't understand this never happens. My life is being  stuck with:  errands, my son, my home and the lil work I get. Meeting a person, nearly impossible... I think amongst my friends I was deemed " Forever Alone"  not that they have ever said but I'm the friend that only shows up alone surrounded by couples ... haha yea I'm that friend.

Anyways, I'm the luckiest girl. I've been found and dusted off... who knew something like this happens except to those who is happens to. Life is great and I'm happy. 

 

I "be trippin'" but only because you swept me off my feet and well I guess a natural born clumsy girl around you! haha 

 

  We all lose people from our lives in different times in life. Death is always untimely but we all will lose a loved one. I've lost a few but today I want to mention my grandpa, Liborio Flores. Today, December 1, marks his 3 year death anniversary. I don't know about how you all feel about rememberance but I always feel that if we that were close to someone we lost and don't remember them then who will? 

We're always caught up with our own lives you don't even get to know your neighbors any more. A sad life of loneliness and no trust within a community. Anyways, I got off track. 

I could have been easily written this last month but i'm spacey and I forget things. November was no shave November  which is to bring awareness to Men's health like for example Prostate Cancer. There are so many health problems issues that happen in our health that we're unaware unless we go get check  (just like October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month).

We are so into our lives that we never think there is anything wrong until the moment that you end up in the ER. It's never too late to be checked and make sure your health is ok.

My grandpa had been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer probably around like the late 90's early 2000's the thing that happened unfortunately and I think we all do it as adults is that we disregard something like our health because we feel good,ok or we're not sick enough. And in my heritage you can say that stubbornness as the Male ego "Machismo" is very prominent in the Mexican males, not that it's not in all cultures. When he started not feeling well and ended up in the hospital they immediately tried to do everythign in their power. He had surgeries and was being treated. But, he had disregarded his health for quite sometime already.The Cancer was Controlled for years but at the end there was nothing to be done. It took control over his body and ulcers were being created in his organs and he was in pain. We saw him suffer and be on house arrest pretty must until the day he left this world. 

I know people say there is no cure to cancer but if you go get checked out you can prevent and an early detection can go a long way. I love my grandpa and I miss him but when he passed away instead of feeling overwhelmed with pain I was relieved and happy. I had seen  him suffer so much at that point I just wanted him to not feel that anymore. I heard how people talk about the radiation, chemo and their treatment... and recently saw 50/50, I know it was a movie but it helped me understand a few things I didn't know about it.  

 

 

 

 These are my grandparents...They're my dad's parents. They were married at the end for 58 years. They lived a long happy life with 11 children, many grand kids and great grand kids... They knew my son the most of their grand kids but for knowing your decedents  life will always be to short no matter what. 

This camera has the wrong date but this was a couple weeks before his death while he still was able to speak. He actually asked for the family to get together for his last message. This was my grandpa's final rest place in Ontario,California. He maybe could have been a longer with us but cancer has it's own agenda!

 

So, Go get checked. Be safe and never wait for the last minute. More than likely once you have some symptoms, you're already too late.

 

Do you have experience or advice that can help other's through the process of dealing with Cancer? or how to  cope with a love one going through a situation with Cancer?

This is my son's Monkey. He's had him since he was like 1 or 2 I can't remember. At build a bear... it's been so long I can't remember whether we names the monkey, "Arturo" or "Daniel" those are both my son's names idr but I also call my son "my lil monkey" since he was lil... my other lil pet name for him...

I'm the eldest cousins from my mom side well my siblings and I are all the oldest but seeing as I'm 7 yrs older than my bros it leaves big gaps for my other cousins. So we always have one of my aunt's kids over on their breaks 14yr (boy), 11yr (boy, and he bullies my son  ) , and 9yr (girl,  basically my son's bf) 

so my lil girl cousin had a teddy bear in a dress... so my son had his monkey naked and I finally found him the sweater he had. Danny was so happy he had clothes he suddenly wanted him to be fully clothed... "Oh goodness!!" came to my head and I thought, I would be able to distract him... but no!

if he was from Toy Story... he'd be waving .... yup he would be!! 

 

I went to Walmart because I got him to go to mass by saying i was going to take him to the store. Once we were there he want yarn to knit the clothes... if he knew how hard it was, he wouldn't ask me to do what ever again.  He wanted blue... (of course, a boy's favorite color... ) so we found cloth... I bought a yard... didn't know it was that much but ok... I can work with it. 

 

Cut out a piece. 

I sewed the edged ... and then for a while i was stumped  i didn't know where to go. this freakin' cloth looked like a skirt and I was tempted to leave it at that... but I can't. It's a boy monkey. What was i thinking... son wasn't happy about my "lame" suggestion. 

So yea I cut it right in the center... why didn't I think of this earlier.. Make thing less complicated.  

Now it looked like pants... sweat pants but pants none the less... i has to keep sewing. I had my little needle in one had and was stitching and stitching and every couple minutes my son would ask, "Are you done yet?" And I would stop for a second because i was still on the phone and he would give me a face   "Why are you stopping?"  "When are you going to finish" ... Kids!!1 I should have made him do it... and then he would have stopped with the whining.

Well, it was my first time making pants... 

End Product!!!!!!!!!!  Yay!! I was finished. or so I thought. 

Monkey happily wore his pants... 

Oh but i had to make a hole for the tail "Duh, Reyna!!! *facepalm* 

So now, the Monkey happily wore his pants or so I thought! 

Pants were too long. I had an unhappy customer.  *sigh*  *grrrrrr* 

 

 He wanted his monkey to have slippers... *sigh* 

 

so, I cut the edges of the pants... and started sewing again... 

Voila!!!! He is the monkey with sweat pants and slippers!!!  yay!!! 

 

*THE END* 

A Poor attempt of to make son happy... with clothe a monkey. 

 

Now, he wants a hat and gloves... i might as well make the blanket too... 

What do you think?? haha 

This has been something I've been keeping to myself for the longest time... I'm always the first to burst out what I'm feeling and what not... when it first happened I freaked out... I truly did. I was scared and I didn't even want to think about it. 

 

I give things a chance and then give up when they fail.. deep inside I'm always a hopeless romantic with traditional ideals but I'm a realist too so I knock myself down and keep myself down... I reject people because I just can't afford to go out with anybody. A single mom with less than a part time and no time... not a person any man would really want, in my opinion. Too much baggage.

 

I haven't been able to pour emotions even though I'm the one who just lets them out ... I've kept this the most to myself because it's been personal for the first time even more... And, it wont satisfy your craving but for me this will suffice.

I feel like I'm broken with smiles and I can't fix it, stupid I know... 

Friday I received

and it came with a cute lil card...

They were beautiful but I didn't get to see them much, I was out that evening. Got home and woke up early for my uncle's funeral and time with the family. They had come from MN so we needed to spend time with them. Yesterday, in pouring rain we drove an hour and a half again to see them and say our good byes... I spent friday, saturday and sunday in SGV ... loved every moment of it. Today, the first time I'm home in 3 days... 

That bouquet you see... I started unwrapping because I was going to take the lil white flowers and place those in water... it's been cold out here so my room was like a fridge... they were well kept. I started unwrapping them like they were a gift (well they were, are ) or I meant like christmas morning... excited!! and they smelled divine.... My three most favorite colors... Black, Red, Pink ...

When I was unwrapping I saw that they were also 3 individual bouquets and not only that but until today I didn't know they were real flowers. I realized it when I saw the stems, I know stupid, I was/am haha  but when I saw them I teared up. I guess I got a little emotional, the first time I've received flowers in my life and didn't realize it until 3 days later... 

I felt, happy, ungrateful, ecstatic, unappreciative... just up and down... haha but mostly just tears of joy. 

They're hanging above my mirror to start the drying process. If they weren't real I was going to put them in a vase but now it can wait until they dry up and their value goes up even more, lol. 

Thank you!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*hugs* 

Thank you! 

 

 

So this is my stronger hand... my right hand and the one that does most of the work on my clarinet ... =D 

 

@BFB1131