I had kind of given up the option of even considering being a teacher. I don't know if I would want to but I guess it can be an option. With my music degree since I don't quite have a subject I know I can be an elementary teacher. I can...  I was kind of waiting on the thought because I wanted another subject so in case I did want to teach at maybe middle school level or high school. I know I'm kind of shy with a room full of people and I get nervous, I can't imagine being one of the many teachers who have loved teacher and were broken down by the student... Eeek ... I know I'm getting ahead of anything but I think for the first time in a long time I can see where my life is starting to go even if it just might be subbing, you know? 

So, Yesterday I was at the high school where I do Clarinet sectionals on mondays and every other wednesday I teach lessons on individual basis. I'm in the district (took forever) because I had to get a certificate to be a "coach" (that's what we've called but I teach)  from the Commission on Teacher Credentialing (CTC) which I did... The hardest part was getting into the district... it took well over a year the first I applied and that was with the aide of 2 teacher vouching for me and recommending for said jobs...

So those same 2 teacher are asking me to take the CBEST. They were my guides and inspiration in high school, during college and post they have been the 2 who have manage to get me  hired tutoring and teaching music... now they're asking I get my CBEST for I can sub. I was kind of hating my self because if I would have had it by now, I could have been closer to getting small jobs... there is no waiting list apparently which means there are some jobs. And more importantly the school needed a Resident Sub available which would be an awesome opportunity and I killed it with not being responsible. Not like I knew but would have had it to help me out. (I would whine and complain about why I don't and why I failed it the first time --- yes, I know... I was stupid and rushed through it too fast) but wont do that again and I'm going to study. It was, and this is why I hate myself I got depressed I didn't pass the easy test so I didn't try again. 

I was looking at the date and the next test date is on December 3rd, 2011... which gives me 2 months of heavy studying... One of the reasons I started writing a bit more on xanga was to just practice writing which is (obvious) one of my biggest weaknesses.   So I have 2 months to study and once the test is taken then the results come at the end of the month. 

or 

I saw they have a new feature or option (which ever) is to do the reading and math online and I assume the writing is still writing or I don't know if it's typed. The plus of this test option is that I would have the reading and the math immediatly once the test finished. The writing will still take it's time because I'm sure it needs to be read but at least 2 out of the 3 scores would be known.

All I know is I have to study, Study, STUDY!!!!!!! 

I'm a really nervous test taker... I'm going to take as many practice test for reading and math to feel comfortable but you any of who have suggestions?

When people read back to my old entries I can't help but to reread what they're reading or what they read. And it always makes me laugh. I've come a long, long, loooooooooooooooong way...  When a friend versaxyman introduced to me Xanga in 2004 it suddenly became my public diary.  The thing though was that I was already half sane by then just pretty down and confused in life. I had my chance to be a mean "me" ... my friends were kind of mean but I think I surpassed... maybe bullied them a bit, I don't know I was looking for myself. I never found her, but I've it's a process with life. Back when I was younger I was a little strong or my friends were a little weak. When they started getting more strength I started backing down, lol... I enjoyed being part of the group like one of the boys because that meant I could hang out like whatever and they didn't see me as a girl. The problem was wheni started developing crushes... luckily they didn't. But, those were fun times... rough play, hand wrestling, movies, just what ever... and no nothing like the show "Friends" ... I was always good at throwing indirectives? to people, never was too confrontational especially after the boys (that's what he always called them even to today "the boys") got stronger so I sorta fell back into girl mode but still had a big mouth and maintained my shy reputation, just my friends knew me... like 4-6 out of the college campus. I look back, and smile and tear up of all the good and sad, and angry... yes, my friends thought I was an angry person, they thought i needed to be kept happy. I guess it was just moments of trying to have control when I had lost all my control I thought I had. I still remember being in college and friend talk about me from high school. thank goodness most of high was a blur... because if I remember me how they remember me, you'd be having some big laughs. 

In high school, I was very competitive especially in music and I wanted to always show I was the best. That's just the best part. I was deathly shy but my clarinet wasn't. I wore all black... I was almost gothic like except no spikes or didnt' hang out with the goths... I was a loner, emo, goth band nerd... lol. I was interested in learning about witch craft then. It was something assuming or for fun. Because I was a little off I had weird nick names... none of which I remember, or knew. well, actually my friends I have now sometimes called me witch... well since I was so shy and they were drama folk as well, hey I joined drama. I was a follower of them (big time) I got a part of Hecate ( A witch, or the main witch in Macbeth) for Shakespeare festival the problem was I couldn't act. I was too nice when I needed to be mean.  well I petitioned until they made a Mocktrial in school, I was interested in going into Law and being a defense lawyer... oh well kids dreams. But, I was too shy to play a main role like a lawyer or expert witness. They said I had an innocent face *smiles* so I was the defendent very much like that one trial in Florida... Parental neglect (supposedly) and the child died and the other child was testifying against mother. So since my character's  kid died I was suddenly "Baby killer" and I did a pro-life presentation for english and had this ugly poster... so kids from my french class from that started calling me "baby killer" as well and they didn't even know I had that nick name already. 

In music, I had blondy (I had this awful streak in my hair when I was 15), speedy... and so many others but I was a small dictator taking over sections and invading nicely just to take over. See then, I knew of friend take overs, they never knew what hit them. Lol I was helping out everybody while being successful with mine. I did it all. I was a tyrant section leader in love with the power I had. I see section leaders and i think whimps not because they are but because they can't handle or manage their section. My successors all modeled their technique on me but they never won section leader of the year... me twice in the 3 yrs we competed... My sophomore year and senior year. Dedication. 

I still teach kids leadership the thing is their section whines and they just give up. I didn't. And they're afraid to be mean and that they'll lose friends over it. Business is one thing, and friendship another... I've learned this the hard way. Or making business into friends, it will end bad. Two of my close friends now, they were drum majors  and I was rank leader, section leader and concert master... come concert season and we had same authority according to the SOP (standard Operating Procedures) but marching season didn't like them at all... after school we're all cool but class.. all business. See that's how it works or don't fraternize. 

There was been many changes. I gone through man phases... I've been made fun of because I was weird, because I had a crush on this boy and he sat next to me, because I wore imitation shoes (and could get nikes) because I would go from wearing all black for months and then suddenly contrast and wear all white once... I never heard the end of that one... Still remember those stupid coloroid pants. 

If I have learned anything will looking back is that I should just laugh. It might have been hurting and I was silly but in 10 yrs i will be laughing again. I sometimes go back to my journal I did when I first moved... You wanna know weird... the covers written in blood it was my first form of a release. I was really down, and i just wanted to be put down even more. I was 14... 

Here's to 20 more years and look back and laugh at my own self for being silly.

Thank goodness I can pull of the wearing black without giving off the gothic vibe. 

I know I've been doing a lot of searching for quite some time and more defined since like March or actually since before. But then it was when I actually started considering more things and well it changed me a bit. I opened my eyes to know. I know I have my phases but it's something that's continuous. I've been trying to figure out things for a while but finding myself... I know I have times where I fall and it happens to us all at different points. I've been asking questions, I've been going with my doubts and been asking and yes I've been praying. I know a while back I wrote about being agnostic, it was nice to have have some support and then others helped with more questions and guidance in their way which really helped me even more. I have really considered so many things. I have come to realize that even some drinking makes me sick so I have really minimized the lil consumption I ever had. I opened my eyes to so many things.  

Whether it might be indoctrination or whether I've come to this conclusion on my own but I just can't let go of the feeling of believing there is more and we can't just  be alone. Don't get me wrong I don't believe everything word for word the bible says, science and the evolution of life is very important but anyways... I not arguing for one side or the other... I'll let that fight go within those experts who believe they know more than the other side and never meet and agreement. 

I'm not depressed.I've realized that I've never been as happy as I am now but for some reason I can't hold back the tears. No, not denial but I'm just a little down yet oddly happy. I guess I have a mixture of emotions with the contrasting way I feel things are working. I don't know why but it happens, I guess. I've also never quite realize how often I'm getting sick... faster and for longer times but it's something that happens, I assume. I was looking at myself (thinking wise, not in the mirror, haven't use that in a while) earlier today realizing that I've entered the mode I was in a few years back... And it's been going on for a small while but it wasn't obvious, it's something I just realized today. I guess this part comes with feeling. People have show some interest and I just don't care, I just go on my day... it has a logical or illogical reason, which ever you choose.

I got up this morning after going to sleep late (I was trying to fix my play list- very and completely random) and well I slept on the floor. It's uncomfortable but it surely helped kinda... I thought we were going to go to mass at 11:30 but parents wanted to go earlier so we went at 10... I will admit (and I hardly admit this) but I was just teary eyed, a tear one by one just slowing escaping from my eyes. (I think my hormones are out of wack) I had to put on at least Mascara and eyeliner to go to church, I haven't worn make-up for a while but You never go to mass looking like a sleepy slob, so something discrete was good. 

We found a place to sit. There was this little girl in front of us, maybe 18 months, I was clearing my tears discretely I was sitting in between my parents, I didn't want them to know, much less ask if anything was wrong. Or they know better to ask now, no one ever talks anyways. But, this little girl was staring and smiling... I moved to the side slightly because I wasn't sure if she was looking at me or someone behind but she was looking at me. She was so cheerful and happy. It brought warmth to my heart. But, seeing so little, innocent little girl made it harder to contain my tears. I don't know why she was looking at me and smiling. I know I was, I was listening and looking up until I saw her. She did make me smile and I did feel peace. But, I decided I wasn't going to take communion this Sunday, I don't really have much reason but I do. I guess when I should have gone, I didn't. Not good but it done.

This is not about religion, this is about me. I know I'm sounding selfish. Some people tell me to be more selfish, so I try to be, at least some, when I write. So, with everything that has happened I can't deny what I have been shown. I don't know about hell or whether it doesn't  exist but that's truly not any motivation. It's about feeling peace within and trying to project it. There have always been many conflicts in which I wish I was able to run away and friends have accused me only the ones who have truly known me for who I am and yes some of it is true mainly because I've always wanted  a fresh beginning. But it dawned to me that regardless of where I go or when it happens there is opportunity for a new beginning. I don't have to be out searching for it to happen 24/7 or dreaming of it because it will happen when it needs to. Anything that happens in life is an opportunity for a new beginning. For the longest time my parents wanted to send to Minnesota to start new out there with family but I just couldn't leave. I know what I do teaching lessons isn't much but it means a lot to those students and the director. In fact I know I'm going to leave that position open in sometime in the near future. I love it but the time is coming where moving on will need to happen. 

so anyways back to what I was talking about, I have not stopped attending mass even when I was having my doubts. In fact, just as people proposed, I prayed even more. I've been dumb to deny how many prayers get answered. They do, and many wont believe but that's basically why. You can't pray without believing or some sort of faith in something. I'm not going to say God works in mysterious way because I frankly don't know and to be honest I don't care how He does his job... Just as I don't like people over my shoulder questioning everything I do about what I know best. I still have my questions and doubts about doctrine but who hasn't in thousands of years. Many religions have come out of it, in fact. But, I do wonder and think about how many people have some sort of faith in something they don't quite understand.... Most call it different names[ Insert name of your religion or belief] I don't know but that's a huge part of the world. Some have one or many (Gods) but the fact that so many people believe has to show more than nothing. I know, I know ... I know what some of you are thinking and truly I'm not trying to convince you of anything, I don't care what you believe or why you don't. 

There is no need to prove or disprove anything... what's the point? Only arguments and hurt feelings come out of it. We can let the experts fight all they want we all know there isn't a solid conclusion. 

Lately, the writing I'm doing have left room in my heart for so much peace and so many unanswered questions I have that will never get an answer. But, I do have my small joys. My students trust me so much that when they're excited when it comes to their playing practicing or questions they text me and ask. Since their freshmen year I prepare them to become leaders in the ensemble. They make me believe there is still hope in kids to want music. I told the director about what I wanted to do in the city if I was able to move back I wanted to try and get into the surrounding schools like elementary and middle schools... and start seeing if kids want private lessons there. The problem with the music program now is that the programs have been cut mostly and there is minimal encouragement. I want the high school to have students who play at a higher level than beginning. Because either way through sectionals or lessons I have to get them prepared to know how to audition, scales, sight reading. I can do it ... well Anyways I was dreaming for a sec... but I hope I can open doors slowly. 

But, this is why I'm believing and why I am happy and conflicted in a sense but it's normal for it to happen I know. 

Sorry about being all over the place... and this is why I'm a little crazy my mind is thinking of everything at the same time so I never think straight. It's like when I drive... I'm looking for far ahead that I'm thinking of my strategy on how I'm going to get there and manage to weave myself out of the car on my side, and in front... I'm thinking ahead but I'm trying to figure how to get out of it in the now. 

Ok, that's enough. 

I am sorry I really am. I sorry I can't conform to the happiness everybody pretends to be. I'm cynical and selfish. I help out for my own self interest to make you better and sadly I can't feel better. I never have since the age of 11. I know the world isn't going to get better, it keeps getting worse. I had once hoped in my years of pessimism but it has only come to be confirmed, the truth rather than the faith I had to put on humanity. People argue over nonsense, lose friendships over stupidity and people want me to pretend to smile and pretend sometimes my heart isn't suppose to cry tears of blood. Well no, I guess that pain doesn't matter as long as I smile to you and pretend it's ok... 

I'm sorry you fix your world by pretending or by ignoring. All I really do is hide it from the world when I can, it does get to a point when it's too much and I feel like I'm going to burst or do something stupid. I don't like to pretend always although I do smile here and there, I just don't always tell all the time. I mean what's the point when you're the only one who cares at the end of the day. Why does it matter if you're the only one that can change the outcome... And no, you haven't been able to yet. Sometimes you seem helpless, not your intention and you know you're no damsel in distress, you can do it but it hasn't happen yet as we plan or how we want it. Sometimes people treat you like that since you don't have anything, they feel they can treat you like that... well who needs charity when it's in self interest to make you feel bad. A few bucks go a long way... always. 

Patience, Patience, Patience... is all I've heard for more than 15 years... 15 years of writing and talking to my self and trying to understand why things happen and why when I write I make them sound like a crazy person. Over analyzing and accidently feeling mislead. And why it makes sense to others and I'm still in the dark. And at the time I know it all, I just can't fix it. Or I hold on because deep down I hope and then I feel like it happens always. And it's my fault. I start thinking of when I started asking questions and why nobody is there. People are there, but why can't I open my mouth. Why am I the dark one while they all laugh and drink and have fun. Why it's always been me ... then I figured it's because I'm in front of this stupid computer. I just want to get away from this world but it's where people understand... and once they do, you feel lost again. I've met great people and even had a great connection with a few but I will never get to meet any of them. I wont, let's just be realistic. I would love to... but... it always fades... 

I guess what I have to realize that at the end... it will all be what I make of it. 

I wondered what it would be like to live in the city with crowds of people all in the surroundings. But,  I see those people and they make me sad. They are exactly how I see myself from the outside. I already live in the deserted city. Everybody is here around but "I" am the same and my personality isn't going to change. I feel the guilt of the world coming down and I can't get them off me. I don't know why...

Ok, I feel better... sorry about the vagueness and sorry about apologizing but it's only fair. I'm sorry you read this. Sorry it was boring. And sorry it doesn't matter to you. I'm just sorry... You can't tell me not to say it... 

When don't they have an agenda?

or 

lies, it's always about a lie

or 

when they're gone it's always a big blur, who can really say it maybe didn't happen? But, they're always trying to get into our head to drive us nuts...

Never been broken up to one of these? .... there's always a next time... 

One thing is a certainty in life, that one day our life will come to an end. Everything else happens to lead up to that moment. A break up is only the help for a new beginning. Enjoy your new beginnings ladies, accept it who heartedly and never look back. 

Mars, the bringer of War .... which makes me wonder of why are Men from Mars again?

And why do they get the awesome music? 

This is a piece by Holst... Awesome composer!! If you've never listened to it, you're truly missing out. 

Then we have the contrasting piece "Venus, the bringer of peace. I'm not going to link because it's not as cool as Mars but don't get me wrongs it's still great. But, seriously why do men get the better more driven to action music... lol I get it, I do. But do people really think that all women are bringers of peace? I think in every spectrum including here on xanga, we've seen that many people stir things and it's not always men... just sayin' but awesome music!! 

Is it a Man's world after all? Can women just generally just be free in minimal parts of the world? How about the Universe?

Ok, so my last post was just because I was bored ... 

But, seriously Ultimatums usually comes in the worst times and sometimes when you least expect them or when there is a change that is expected. I can definitely see the appeal but at the same time they can suck... 

I gave one once, a long long time ago and even though it might have worked with the time limit, it never really worked. I once thought I wanted this person who kept me on the side and used our broken up time as getting closer as friends so I knew when he went out and I would let him talk to me about his personal life with girls. And I would silently cry and let my heart break (this was before his wife's time but not too distant) ... So I gave him to ultimatum because I was tired of waiting (in fact, I was stupid I ever gave it- 20/20 hindsight- head over heels stupid) anyways so... he got back with me and cheated the same day, nice. I found out shortly. Now, I realize that when a person doesn't feel about you the way you want them to, even a time limit threat, ultimatum with really make them come back. It might give you time or maybe they start thinking about the custom of having that person there but sometimes it's not there anymore and it's gone. (there's a spanish song, I love, kinda sad but it's called "Costumbres" and it talks about living in a habit rather than it still being love- it will be in the bottom) ... So then I found out that people will not change  unless they want to, and people shouldn't be expected to change... 

There was a bible study today at time house or something like that. There was a person speaking and using verses anyways so since most of the men are in a retreat (including my dad) it was mostly ladies except one gentleman who came with his wife.  They mentioned how some have been cheated on and different things and well they said that they were given these type of people who drink who have these bad habits so that they can get closer to God. Now, I understand why they do get closer given their situations. But, they get closer because of the situation. I don't think they were chosen this person to get closer... I don't know... anyways ... So I know my dad went to this retreat because my mom wanted him to. And well he wanted to go for himself but she kind of just wanted him to live it but he took his keyboard and might have played instead which means it was useless, well I'm sure it's not but the purpose is in a sense. 

After years, I've had the opportunity to kind of talk to dad on Wednesday. I asked him to go to this marriage retreat with my mom. She had asked him before and he said no because he says it has to come from within to go, I'm sure he would say the same thing if I told him to go to an AA meeting. But, this time and for the first time I asked him to go. I'm tired of the silent treatment they have going on, the yelling that gets them nowhere, the disagreements. I told him just once. And he agreed that all they need is just once but he's hesitant mainly because after people come out of this retreat their marriage gets better and I got the feeling he wasn't willing to fix it. 

I told my mom I kind of talked to him but I didn't tell her what we really talked about because we talked a bit more, felt nice to be trusted, you know. I hate breaking trust. The thing I found out I told my my is that she has given my dad and ultimatum. He basically has until Oct 1st to decide if he wants to go and if he doesn't say anything or agrees... I don't know what will happened. I asked her and she said she was done. My parents are both stubborn, I know them, I've watched them. I've asked her simple questions of when they met and their relationship... and I still see the same thing. Nothing has changed in 26-27 years of them being together yet they're on the verge of ending it. Or who knows how my dad will feel after this religious retreat/encounter. I asked her, why did she stayed from the beginning if she saw what she saw and she said she was blinded by love. I can't deny anything to that response. They did  rush into it though but that's not my call because I can see why it's gone wrong just tracing back to the beginning. 

I've always figured that a person is the way they are and they don't plan on changing. A person who thinks a person will change for them is delusional as well. No games, be who you are and let the person embrace it. If the person accepts you as you then great but if they don't, they never will. I never want to end up in a position like my parents. Even when they got married... my mom says that my dad just said it like "yea, we'll be married for a few years" like if it was suppose to end or something. Most of my dad's siblings (aunts and uncles) have broken marriages which makes me sad. I think they don't know how to follow through or really be committed. I've heard so much from seeing and hearing so many people tell their stories. 

You can see it, and this is why I am fighting to go completely the opposite of what they have. My dad's sibs have no communication or interaction. Not what I want... I want a united family, communicate and as hard as it can sound, no divorce, it's what I want and I know there are situations where it's happens, and I can't say never but it's never going to be on my mind. 

*sigh* 

So this was the song i was talking about :

Hablame de ti,                                                                              Talk to me about yourself           
cuentame, de tu vida.                                                                    Tell me about your life

Sabes tu muy bien                                                                         You know very well     
que yo estoy convencida                                                                 that I'm convince
de que tu no puedes                                                                       that you can't
aunque intentes olvidarme.                                                               even if you try, to forget me               

Siempre volveras                                                                            You will always come back
una y otra vez                                                                                again and again 
una y otra vez                                                                                 again and again    
siempre volveras                                                                             You will always comes back
aunque ya no sientas                                                                       Even if you don't feel       
mas amor por mi, solo rencor.                                                           more love for me, only bitterness

Yo tampoco tengo                                                                          I also have
nada que sentir                                                                              nothing to feel                  
y eso es peor.                                                                                and that's worse            
Pero te extrano,                                                                            But I miss you     
tambien te extrano.                                                                        I also miss you 

No cabe duda que es verdad                                                            it's without doubt, it's the truth 
que la costumbre es mas fuerte                                                        that habits are stronger
que el amor.                                                                                    than love            

Se que tu no puedes                                                                     I know that you can't
aunque intentes olvidarme.                                                             even if you try, forget about me 
siempre volveras                                                                            you will always come back         
una y otra vez                                                                               again and again
una y otra vez                                                                                again and again     
siempre volveras.                                                                           You will always come back

Aunque ya no sientas mas                                                              Even if you don't feel  
amor por mi, solo rencor.                                                                more love, just bitterness

Yo tampoco tengo nada que                                                            I also have nothing to         
sentir, y eso es peor.                                                                      feel, and that's worse          
Pero te extrano.                                                                              But, I miss you        
Como te extrano.                                                                             how I miss you       

No cabe duda que es verdad                                                             It's without doubt, it's the truth
que la costumbre es mas fuerte                                                        that a habit is stronger
que el amor...                                                                                  than love...

I guess this song always made me think of a couple being years together, living together, knowing everything about each other and even in their worst times of no talking to each other they were still there... making breakfast, lunch and dinner... And when there is no more love you still miss that presence the support, the feeling someone is there. And even if maybe didn't miss the person you miss them as a whole as an idea. I guess that's the basis of the song.  People get use to each other. And when it doesn't work, suddenly so many years later there's a change and a new adaptation.  So we're see what happens. This is enough of my rambling.   

With my small insignificant tribulations in life which have all been self provoked (i guess) I cannot blame anyone other than myself. I wasn't a teen mom but I surely speak to teens about motherhood and the how "High school sweethearts" and their interpretation of love can be misleading. We know that probably most kids don't end up with their high school sweethearts, well let me rephrase many do and (I have no stats) but personally many people I've known who've had a sweetheart ended up marrying them and a few years into it, get a divorce. Sad. There is more to marriage (but even adults fail at that so what examples do teens have) Yes, maybe spending more time getting to know yourselves in adulthood or in decision making opportunity might lead to knowing a person better.  People change and in our teens we're far too young to understand (well most, not all) and not only that, people are unsure of what to expect and they change their minds too much.  

Which leads to being unsteady even in considering bringing a baby into this world. When I was a teen I did think about wanting a baby (in fact my depression led me to want a baby so that I had a baby to pass down from my genes or myself and then I would be able to... you know) but I didn't. I wanted something else in life, I figured. I remember I was threatened once, we were young and he once told me, "I'm going to get you pregnant so that you'll never leave me." Which proves that kids change their minds and thankfully he didn't then. 

So, since teen girls sometimes feel lonely they think having a baby will fix that. Many don't realize the responsibility, the change in life and not only that they  haven't even had the opportunity to enjoy life and see what's out there. Or even figure themselves out or know what they would like to do with their lives... and they (I wanted) want a baby? Doesn't make sense. In fact, as a teen you're just trapping yourself from the possibility of being successful. She might have the will power to finish high school but she will be burnt out to consider going to college right after. It's doable but it's hard... I only did it for a year and a half (the end part of college) and I was so tired at the end, I didn't want to think of school and I almost didn't want to go to graduation. It's hard work but it's doable. I also saw many girls get pregnant and married during college and they would drop like flies... Wait until after. At least you'll have a degree with that debt.

If you're a mom you know the toll a pregnancy can take on you (the body changes is causes) or if you had a great pregnancy (I know I did well except a lil morning sickness which I controlled even more once I quit my prenatal pills) maybe except for labor but nothing compares to having the baby next to you and waking up every 3 hours. Don't get me wrong babies are cute when they're sleeping. But, every 3 hours.. That's when you'll really see people crying... literally 1. You're sore from having the baby or can't move too much from the c-section. 2.Trying to Breast feed (or crying like me because I couldn't feed my son but if I one day have another I know I will try again)  3. You can't really pee  4. You're exhausted 5. You can't sleep well 6. You have to remind yourself to eat and 7. rest when the baby rests...  

Now, there are so many more things ... MOMs want to add to the list??... But this isn't even mentioning your house responsibilities. Taking child to routinely check up... where do you fit this when you're in school? What if you're a single mom... Or if you're in school and you have a bf but he's working. He misses work no money? You miss more than 3 classes in college and you're dropped (well in my private school it was like that, I don't know public school policies) ... What do you do? 

I never promote abortions myself, why? I would never get one. When I could have have had one for the given reasons I didn't and it never crossed my mind as an option. Regardless of time a child is a blessing. And I can say he saved my life. But, for the same reason kids need to know of all the responsibilities of having to pay for things and not even knowing how to care for their ownselves. No jobs, living under mommy and daddy and suddenly a baby? How do you do it? You are closing your doors to success at the very moment. Not saying you can't be successful but you're going to have to want it REAL bad. You're going to have to go through hoops, and jump hurdles, it's possible but only up to you!! 

Take the easy road: Finish High school, Finish College, start your career (somewhere in there meet your future wife or husband) and once you're both working and paying off debt then consider whatever you want... 

Take the easy road... family will happen if you want it but it can wait. 

Disclaimer: Easy road doesn't mean obtaining your life goals and dreams will be easy. It just means it's easier than trying with a baby by your side when you're not ready. 

Many of us have struggled and learned the hard way for you to take advantage of our advice. Take it, learn from it, and finish school first. 

I remember being a junior in #college with my #newborn child. Thanks to the grace of God or something powerful I had the #opportunity to only miss one day of classes my first semester. Granted he was born the Saturday before finals but 4 weeks exactly from his birth I returned to my second semester. To my misfortune only one teacher didn't excuse the birth of my son for not turning in my last assignment. I knew he wouldn't excuse me, it was my second semester with him and he always had it out for me... I never understood why but I dealt with it and respected him none the less. It was a great assignment and I was actually looking forward to doing it. But since he was adjunct 2nd semester would be too late anyways. I took the writing final which I passed but just with that last assignment he #failed me. Of course the english department wanted me to take the whole class... Thank goodness for passing that test and over lapping courses... they threw out that course because I had another substitute course that a supplement but I never understood what his problem was. 

See we all have hardships and mine weren't just school. I struggled with english (it being my second language, never spoke one or the other correctly, but I think I'm working on them both). When I ended up #pregnant I was insecure and #scared I was going to be kicked out of my home. I took on the plan to talk to a friend who had been kicked out of her house when her dad found out when she was pregnant and her mom was supportive and she told her my situation. I, of course, had no idea what to expect but be prepared for the worse. I was suppose to move back 2 weeks later to school when I decided to tell my parents... I still remember that day clearly. I was 5 months pregnant...  I held on to the news as long as I could. I came home from my morning part time (always went home-had 2 hours in between and I picked up my sister to work with me for our full time at McDonald's- I was  a closer) so I was home and I was pacing and I knew I had to spit it out. Even though I was ready, it was burning inside me. My mom was taking a nap and my dad was outside by his white F-150 truck. I called him inside to his room, I woke up my mom. I stated crying before ever being able to say anything.

She kind of understood and cried with me. My dad didn't say a word. I let him down and broke his heart for the first time in his life. I don't think he had ever felt disappointment. In fact he didn't speak to me for the remaining months. it so happened I was in school when I went into  active labor and begged my friend to instead of taking me to the hospital which was on the way, to take me home... I was fortunate he did (I have since lost him as a friend for who knows for what reasons but I know in my heart I will always appreciate him and the rest of my #friends for their #support) but I was at home and at that point I was just crying in pain. Thank goodness for my mom, she was soothing the pain and waiting for a client. She had to cancel and my dad was at the store so she called him. He didn't want to take me to the hospital. Not because he didn't want to but because I was in so much pain and I'm sure he didn't want to see that. He was the only one that didn't visit me in the hospital but picked me up. He loves my son so much beside I'm sure he loves that Danny calls him Dad or sometimes papi Chayo. 

I thought the hard part was having him and a freakin doctor telling me to stop screaming... hey! I held on to the pain and did lamaze until about 6am the day he was born,saturday. But, he wasn't born until 2:55pm ... I had started getting the first small contractions the friday at 3pm. So when he did that with only IV meds I had no energy to say anything but dying sure felt a lot better than the feeling of being broken in life from my back. That was still easier. Once he was born, the second week he was hungry. I felt like a failure not being able to breast feed. He cried and I cried. I felt like the life was being sucked out of me and I ran out of milk 10 days after his birth. Can you imagine having the equipment and not being worthy of such a life giving miracle. I got depressed. But, I couldn't even afford milk at first. Hard times .Then I had to go back to school. He need to have hearing tests by specialists because they said that his ears weren't reacting. It was a melt down. They could have said it was routine and it happened often but I was sent to specialists and I didn't know what to do. I was scared, sad and alone. That day... I got a speeding ticket...  

So I had to take him to school sometimes and be stared at by teachers and friends. he had doctor appts and I had to go to school. I had to take him to Master classes. The truth was I wasn't trusted by my parents. Any other activities I had, I had to take my baby. I took him everywhere. To all my friend's parties, to everything... afterschool functions. It was hard. I wasn't allowed to even have a little fun. What I was told was, "You wanted a baby, take care of him" I mean it was hard but I agree. I couldn't do anything else and it was my whole responsibility. This is why I didn't date or even try. There was no way. And I wasn't emotionally ready either. 

But, hearing about all this #banning of children and people can do what ever they and complain. Actually for me during that time my son's dad and I weren't in talking terms. So, I once took my son to a concert. I was a music major and I had to go to all the symphony concerts... I couldn't leave him  at home. I had no choice.  I took him with me. He wasn't even awake but someone heard a baby babble for a sec and yes I got kicked out. I was upset, I had to be there and I had not choice. And older couple heard a baby and well I was in the balcony and I was a target. It was fine. I was sad.... but I also understood. The Symphony Manager saw my son was asleep and also thought it was wrong for me to be kicked out. But, she was grateful I was so cooperative. She sends me a little #gift during the week. A $25 gift card to target and apologize. She didn't have to do that but she did. I know life is not fair and I could honestly say that before I had kids I understood less And there will still be people who will never understand and I get it I do. I didn't become a baby person until my son and really I only tolerate my son but I'm understanding. I know how things are. I was alone and I had no choice. For the longest time I needed me time but my me time was being in class. I was taking like 17 units but since music course are very important many were for 0, 1, or 2 units or I would have to pay for overload... I guess in a sense we were lucky that we could take course for so little units but at the same time it sucked because you weren't getting units get you had to take them and you were required so much time consumption. 

I've had my share of experiences.

I did. I've had friends who thought I wasn't going to make it from school but I did. I've had friends who blame me for their dropping out, others for becoming parents. I never got it. They said I made everything seem so easy... what they didn't see what the heartbreak I felt inside. How dead I felt and all the motions I was going through. I couldn't handle it starting senior year and I went to talk to somebody that very likely saved me from me. Hard times. And everything else I had to do. I would get home at like 8 pm after leaving like at 7:15ish and sometimes i would have to do homework and I couldn't. I was a mommy and I had other responsibilities. I would ask for an hour extra and the response was "No, you wanted a baby. When you come home he's all yours."  So I was getting an average of 3 hours a night. I would get home watch him feed him put him to sleep do homework, tend his need... keep doing homework and finish about 3 sometimes when I was about to go to bed he would wake up... sometimes it was 2 and I was falling asleep, slapping my face and cold water... I would sleep and wake up the next time he woke up, feed him work on last minute work and leave to school.

talk about fun time... 

here we are now... Time hasn't stopped and we just gotta keep on moving forward. The best part is to keep trying no matter what. I figured I'll get kicked out, denied, rejected, stepped over by many people in my life time. But, it can't be any worse than the challenges that have helped mold me as who I am. I use to be super shy. Friends thought I was going to drop out... I disappoint or made people proud I don't know. I just did what I could to survive in a time where I only had dirt to eat. 

So yesterday we had a small family reunion here at home... I texted my sister a few days ago and then my bro. Man oh man does it feel nice to have the whole family together every once in a while. Since we know times are changing even more (I don't know what this means yet) and we're all growing and getting older faster and faster... I just wanted to see the whole family. So things are cool with all the siblings but since my dad is acting a little weird or off maybe he just has a lot of pressure So we all talked yesterday and we're going to go on a small family trip (let me say that this one will be our first ever) that my dad has been wanting to do for years. So since my son has some vacation in Oct... we're going to go a couple days... mainly sunday and monday. We'll spend time in the Colorado River ...  So this is the plan. 

I love it when family is together. It just feels like I'm getting emotional over nothing. *sigh* 

Yesterday, We grilled burgers and all ate, it was nice and peaceful then we all watch a movie. Family time... love it. 

Danny is usually sad when everybody leaves but since my bro's gf had to work he and my nephew stayed and we all played with him. He's a crazy little 8 month old. He was standing up holding up to me and then letting go. he wants to walk now. So cute. But, he was having fun and pulling my hair and play fighting so I had a  headache when I fell asleep.

I didn't have a headache today but i feel tension so I asked and begged my mom for a head/scalp massage and I'm surprised she did it but thank goodness or I wouldn't have survived... She told me that I needed a whole massage. So I might just get one tomorrow. My head needs it. It works so much better when the whole body is relaxed. part of the tension is returning to my head from my right occipital region so it just might be what I need. 

My brother got a blood bank paper.... I've been wanting to donate blood for a long time. I don't think I have since my son was born but I have donated like 6 or 7 times. My mom wants to donate too... I know we've all donated blood well I'm not sure about my sis but my bros and I have and my mom wants to... they're going to love her blood. Well I'm sure they wont mind any of ours... one of my bros and my mom has o- and my other bro and I have o+ so they like it because they can use it anywhere they want especially the '-' so we just might go do this sunday since they hardly come up to the high desert. 

I can't do much but if they can use my blood, why not? 

I use to go to plasma banks too... and there I was able to every 2 weeks unlike having to wait the -what is it?- 3 months to donate blood again... Plasma is used (I believe) people who have hemophilia. I haven't done this in year but they always use to put some IV back into our system, men only the first time and women every single time. I don't remember why but they always suggested a sweater because we would be freezing after they finished. I, at least, hope some people have benefited of my donations.