August 9, 2012

• Well the school started to many. Encouraging my son to go to school continues. I hope there are no struggles like last year but here we are on what today was the 2nd day of school and he didn't want to go to school because the teacher told him to work on his sentences on the first day of school. He really dislikes that he has to do work. *sigh* My mom was really pushing for me to go to Phoenix, Az But I truly know that last year I made an effort to go to Washington DC but this year I think I need to be here with my son. Well if it was only on the weekend then I'd  go but she leaves wednesday and I have a feeling he will start doing homework. Those are never fun. With all this small things happening the school year has started for the high school as well so here I go trying to sell myself so I can have more students. My dream goal would be to teach lessons in the whole city but I suppose it cost money to make money and it's not the other way around. *sad face* ... For now I had to look up a place to take the TB test because otherwise I wont be eligible to be an employee of the District. SO many requirements that cost ... *sigh* thankfully the district had a list of where I can go for more economical and there is one in the high desert where I live. I set up an appointment. The earliest is in 2 weeks but that will work. I hope meanwhile everything remains ok with the district. 

  Just thoughts right now... See everything we do always require money. I'm thinking I'm going to look into the apple valley unified school district. I hope there are opening in anything even if it's just part time. I'm sure bilingual anything in a city that has quite a bit of Hispanics and no one that speaks Spanish. I've seen how they translate some of their papers in the school. Horrible!!! But, *cross your fingers* 

  I mean it does worry me the impact that it will have on my son but I guess I will have to multitask and he will have to get use to the fact that I just can't be there. There are so many things that need to be paid but and I know I should start helping out more. My parents were discussing moving to Minnesota but decided to stay for the time being and find a home around the area. I guess they feel they want me to some day get married (if I ever do) and then they'll be free of me and they'll be able to do whatever. I guess they feel that if they left now, they'd be leaving me alone. Maybe they just see me like a child. I don't know but it's their choice. 

  So that's that. On my mind is trying to figure out what I have to do. I guess if they did leave the trying to work issue would be more complicated because who would watch Danny until he gets out. Sometimes I kill myself with stress but try not to think about it. If that happened I'm sure I wouldn't know what to do until the solution presented itself. So much thinking to be done. I think the thing that overwhelmed the most right now thinking about getting a job is that I think Danny will think I'm not looking out for him and not talk. He already doesn't say much about school. Yesterday it seemed like he had a good first day but this morning he wasn't happy about yesterday anymore. I don't get it. It stresses me out every morning but for the first time I set up a  sleeping curfew for him and I'm waking him up at 7:30 so I can handle all discussions or chasing him to go to school. It's easy right now because it's the first week of school. 

  Once  homework starts it's going to be time management like last year. I had to designate homework time with my couple days I would work and even then it was tough. No one else at home knows how or has the patience to help... I try to be positive and I'm sure I can do it. But, he's the one who will need the most adapting. I guess no matter what, I'm the one who puts up with him the most and no not many people have that much patience and trust me I don't have the best of patience but I try some, it's my and only my responsibility. I can't really depends on others ton do what I have to, you know? 

  I've been so emotional in the last couple of weeks. So much, anything makes me cry. I dropped my son off at school and I teared up. Any little thing makes me cry. Teasing... I don't know how to explain it. I think I've maybe cried like every other day. Take how emotional we can get. I try and not show it or wait it off because even if I can clear my yes, my red nose sure gives it away. I know I'm not crying because my feelings are hurt or because of anything specific but it sure triggers and makes me  feel like it is. I need to cry it out or just figure it out. It makes me feel weak and stupid and vulnerable. I definitely hate those. I am not meant to cry over any stupid thing. But, right now being selfish, indifference by others just hurts my feelings. Many things I understand but my emotions don't and I have no control at the moment. It's stupid I know. And I know this is long but I needed to get this out of me. 

  Ok, so that's enough writing of nothing for the day. 

  • 6:43 pm
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