June 26, 2012

• Is music ever worth it?

  There's always a lot to say and never enough time. It seems as though this upcoming school year will bring me more students more than ever before and I'm grateful but it's still not enough to cut it. I know it's hard when every job you've applied to in the High Desert isn't hiring and those who are, don't. Agencies suck, Job fair seemed promising and it wasn't. Well who knows... I guess some things just take time. It's about patience. But, who really has patience when sometimes even minimum seems glorious but then again I can try and spend more money I don't have and get more opportunities in different fields as well. 

  I wanted to stay closer to home to avoid using all that gas. My car is already showing wearing from the driving I already do. There's not much up here. I suppose I can look down the mountain but the question remains: Where would I stay? Would I commute? How much would I end up in the month if I drove to and from an hour plus each way? So many questions...

  @Cucumber_melonhead and I have briefly talked about it and setting goals but it hasn't been defined. I've been hooked up in the past with applications where there are openings (for the long commute) and unfortunately even those fall through. I am so much more optimistic than I was before but I suppose it's also the lack of inspiration. It's not there and I don't know how to get it like I once had illusions in high school. It seems as when you grow up you lose that spark and getting it back isn't the same. I guess what I've been waiting for is that spark but I also know that if I don't try I will never get it. I still feel helpless at times...or hopeless. I know there is so much that can be done but I don't know where to start. Everything will always cost money and the issue is getting something better. Maybe if I can adjust my teaching business and let that boom but our field is full of failure. Not failure at teaching and reaching out but because we're always put last when it comes to different subjects and/or sports. Music isn't encouraged much. I know first hand... sort of... My dad was supportive and encouraged it and my mother hated it and thought it was a waste of time... Can you imagine when I told my mom  I was going to major in Music... Yea, she threw a fit. I didn't hear the end of it... For the longest time she felt more pride in saying that I dropped out of my Psychology major when I had my son that saying that I got a music degree. Music for the most part never puts food on the table and that's why it's so hard to keep a passion that you know you'll continue that vicious cycle everyone sees. So much talent but people will always go for the route that gives you the money. It's the honest truth. I've stuck it through, with tears... I love it and hate it. I love teaching and love seeing students grown and I love what happens in the long run. I hate the almost no pay... and I really mean, it mainly pays for gas. Why do it then? I didn't major in music because it would give a huge payout but because I loved it. I didn't fight constantly with my mom because i was stubborn. Music is misunderstood. Music is love. Music is passion. Music is not for all. Music will starve you but will feed your soul. It won't feed your children though. 

  As you can see it's my dilemma. Honestly, I don't think I ever want to give up giving a little back in the music field. I just enjoy it to much. Giving it up would probably kill me a little inside. It's what I have always loved. I've been made fun of, and  still am many times. What can I say I enjoy it a little more than some and it's easier to make some feel like it's a negative than a positive. God know why I got this small gift. I use it to share and give in return to multiply and show there is so much more out there in music. I know I don't touch many lives but those who have gotten a little something out it make me happy. I know I sometimes do tend to talk a bit much about music but I hold it in more now because sometimes I feel I don't have people to talk about it with. I can't even mention a song or much of the structure because it sound like gibberish to so many. 

  Well here's to life and I guess what can you do but continue forward and just expect for the best. I've learned there is no reason to feel all down and depressed over nothingness... It's not going to change anything. "There's no reason to cry over spilled milk" It's a part of life how you learn to deal with it. I hope I can get a supplementary job... 

  I hope it happens soon. 

  • 10:26 pm
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