February 9, 2012

• *sigh* venting... sorry

  I am just waiting and waiting... I haven't been this bored in a while. The days haven't been this long in forever. I almost want to sleep because they take far too long....It seems as though they've slowed down specially for me. I'm a very impatient person. I have some things to do but it doesn't take over the thoughts in my mind which keep me preoccupied. It always feels as those moments of happiness rush through like the clock shows no regard for the moments of happiness before they're over, I feel robbed... but we all know it's not true... then comes the other times where it feels like an unsynced broken metronome, I feel without rhythm 1.............................2.........................................................3............................................................

  .........................................4................................................................................................. just trying to figure out where the second is going to lie. I'm trying to snap my finger and we're not dancing the beat together. It hates me. i know it sounds so stupid but it's literally what it feels like. I can't imagine what will happen when I find out if I got a job or not. 

   

  then other times I just feel so stressed because my son sometimes doesn't want to listen and he gets in a stubborn mood. And I can't help but to feel like a horrible mother. It has to be sometimes I did or didn't do but it's so darn stressful. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be crying like if I was helpless. Even though that's how I feel sometimes. But, it's my fault... he's had me all this time. At least he's not resentful anymore when I do have to leave when I have to do stuff but the hard part is getting him out of the house when we need to do stuff. 

  And times keep going, he's getting older and people have told me... well if he acts like a little teen now imagine when he's actually a teen. See, he grew up and was apart of when my brothers went through their rebellious stages and God knows my parents were never able to control them. We lost all three. I think the hardest to get back is the young one but I've slowly taken a lot of bad habits he got which have been a lot of work but it doesn't make the long process any easier, obtaining more things but the schools and friends and wants and needs from what they have. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times I don't. I don't know. And a phrase that I've heard has always come into my mind that I've heard a few people tell me... But, I'm not going to mention it right now because it doesn't change anything. People can say their whatever they want, others can get sparked on why they love kids and the challenge, and others why they never want to have kids. Whatever! Just another person, their life and what they want to do but never let what others think affect you. [What I keep telling myself over and over and over... You'd think I'd understand by now] You end up in a hole where no where to go. A person trapped in an idealistic society and a world that doesn't exist yet one burdening down on your shoulders... Why? Because I know... I've been there. Goody too shoes... I was ... and it pushed me to two ends I never want to see. I was unhappy with both. When we allow others to tell us what is expected or what we do is not good or that we are not good standing with the Lord we never learn to forgive ourselves and only live under the shadow of those that tell us that we're no good or ever will be. 

  Sometimes they wonder why you're damaged in your heart or why you stopped caring about opinion or why their ideal are worthless and why you don't care or why you don't let people know you or why you don't have close friends...  You wonder why some people have no friends... Because they already watch their backs from those closest to them.... forget about enemies... those probably have more respect than those you at one point thought they were friends. Friends are meant to help you and tell you what you did was good or bad but not judge and help you through it...but those [friends] are the most judgemental. You become judgmental mainly in yourself and you judge the world because every little thing you are judging is what you see a flaw in yourself. 

  I don't even like seeing the mirror. All I see are tainted red button nose and eyelids of crimson- no need for eye shadow at times... what's the point? That's just seeing my face... not to mention the actually ugly part of my figure. Yes, please give me advice... that's exactly what I'm asking for. Fix it. Some find it so easy to mix the minor issues in life and think that will fix the internal. False. In fact there is nothing to be fixed. 

  The biggest mistake was growing up so naive in the wrong time era. I don't know how that blind fold was kept on so longwith so much so visible. I see such young kids with so much knowledge of sh*t that I wonder why I wasn't corrupted by that, then at least I would understand everything so much more. I guess it's part of growing up with some innocence or stupidity (the previous doesn't exist-it's ignorance) And why blame something that doesn't have blame when everything that happens in life is but our faults for choices... wrong and right ones. But, shhhh.... the world only sees the wrong ones or at least the ones they point a finger at you.

  You know when you get that look and they don't say anything but it says everything and you know what they're thinking.... you just want  to scream at their mind ... "Shut up!!! Just SHUT UP!!!! I don't need you to be saying or thinking it.... I already  know... you think it but I live with me."  

  It doesn't always feel fair but IS IT WHAT IT IS.... 

  I feel so ungrateful right now... I'm the happiest I've been in life and here I am complaining, whining and crying like a little baby... F*** it!! 

   

   

  I feel a little better... just a little... 

   

  • 12:55 pm
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