October 3, 2011
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flash backs... fun times
When people read back to my old entries I can't help but to reread what they're reading or what they read. And it always makes me laugh. I've come a long, long, loooooooooooooooong way... When a friend versaxyman introduced to me Xanga in 2004 it suddenly became my public diary. The thing though was that I was already half sane by then just pretty down and confused in life. I had my chance to be a mean "me" ... my friends were kind of mean but I think I surpassed... maybe bullied them a bit, I don't know I was looking for myself. I never found her, but I've it's a process with life. Back when I was younger I was a little strong or my friends were a little weak. When they started getting more strength I started backing down, lol... I enjoyed being part of the group like one of the boys because that meant I could hang out like whatever and they didn't see me as a girl. The problem was wheni started developing crushes... luckily they didn't. But, those were fun times... rough play, hand wrestling, movies, just what ever... and no nothing like the show "Friends" ... I was always good at throwing indirectives? to people, never was too confrontational especially after the boys (that's what he always called them even to today "the boys") got stronger so I sorta fell back into girl mode but still had a big mouth and maintained my shy reputation, just my friends knew me... like 4-6 out of the college campus. I look back, and smile and tear up of all the good and sad, and angry... yes, my friends thought I was an angry person, they thought i needed to be kept happy. I guess it was just moments of trying to have control when I had lost all my control I thought I had. I still remember being in college and friend talk about me from high school. thank goodness most of high was a blur... because if I remember me how they remember me, you'd be having some big laughs.
In high school, I was very competitive especially in music and I wanted to always show I was the best. That's just the best part. I was deathly shy but my clarinet wasn't. I wore all black... I was almost gothic like except no spikes or didnt' hang out with the goths... I was a loner, emo, goth band nerd... lol. I was interested in learning about witch craft then. It was something assuming or for fun. Because I was a little off I had weird nick names... none of which I remember, or knew. well, actually my friends I have now sometimes called me witch... well since I was so shy and they were drama folk as well, hey I joined drama. I was a follower of them (big time) I got a part of Hecate ( A witch, or the main witch in Macbeth) for Shakespeare festival the problem was I couldn't act. I was too nice when I needed to be mean. well I petitioned until they made a Mocktrial in school, I was interested in going into Law and being a defense lawyer... oh well kids dreams. But, I was too shy to play a main role like a lawyer or expert witness. They said I had an innocent face *smiles* so I was the defendent very much like that one trial in Florida... Parental neglect (supposedly) and the child died and the other child was testifying against mother. So since my character's kid died I was suddenly "Baby killer" and I did a pro-life presentation for english and had this ugly poster... so kids from my french class from that started calling me "baby killer" as well and they didn't even know I had that nick name already.
In music, I had blondy (I had this awful streak in my hair when I was 15), speedy... and so many others but I was a small dictator taking over sections and invading nicely just to take over. See then, I knew of friend take overs, they never knew what hit them. Lol I was helping out everybody while being successful with mine. I did it all. I was a tyrant section leader in love with the power I had. I see section leaders and i think whimps not because they are but because they can't handle or manage their section. My successors all modeled their technique on me but they never won section leader of the year... me twice in the 3 yrs we competed... My sophomore year and senior year. Dedication.
I still teach kids leadership the thing is their section whines and they just give up. I didn't. And they're afraid to be mean and that they'll lose friends over it. Business is one thing, and friendship another... I've learned this the hard way. Or making business into friends, it will end bad. Two of my close friends now, they were drum majors and I was rank leader, section leader and concert master... come concert season and we had same authority according to the SOP (standard Operating Procedures) but marching season didn't like them at all... after school we're all cool but class.. all business. See that's how it works or don't fraternize.
There was been many changes. I gone through man phases... I've been made fun of because I was weird, because I had a crush on this boy and he sat next to me, because I wore imitation shoes (and could get nikes) because I would go from wearing all black for months and then suddenly contrast and wear all white once... I never heard the end of that one... Still remember those stupid coloroid pants.
If I have learned anything will looking back is that I should just laugh. It might have been hurting and I was silly but in 10 yrs i will be laughing again. I sometimes go back to my journal I did when I first moved... You wanna know weird... the covers written in blood it was my first form of a release. I was really down, and i just wanted to be put down even more. I was 14...
Here's to 20 more years and look back and laugh at my own self for being silly.
Thank goodness I can pull of the wearing black without giving off the gothic vibe.
Comments (10)
The Gothic vibe can be very, very sexy though.
haha. i do the same when I look back on my past writing and think...wow I has done grow'd up! and you can't forget the laughter!!
you seemed like a delight in high school. =P some people like that whips/take control kinda gal *wink wink* haha =D
I laugh when I look back at my xanga posts. It is something how we change as time passes. I've posted good and bad, happy and sad here. What I have a hard time believing is that I am still here.
Have a wonderful week
I sometimes look into my archives on Xanga and laugh at all the good times I had with some of the original Xangans who are now gone....long gone.
I lost two on purpose and one on well it made it to the can...heh I've read it
all of it many times through
I know often each thought and feeling red hot or blues. did I learn anything? nothing i didn't already know, but experience out perhaps theory had become shown. it makes no more sense then or now which ones left returned or who failed to show. and I probably type no better. but I'm still here giving it a go.
@bloggicus_maximus - I was
lol... jk I don't know... I did do black nail polish dark lip stick.... I'm still a little into the dark dress code because because I love the dark reds and blacks but as grown up life you just can't wear it that way. We have to differentiated in real life. It was the only way I felt freed once upon a time. I felt protected as if no one glares affected me. I felt like even heart-break was protected by my shield. I have caught myself in unknown territory lately and i feel lost without it. oh well haha
@Cucumber_Melonhead - hahaha.... Some people still remember that. Oh high school... It's funny because back then you were the weird one that people were a little scared to talk to.I mean I was in a relationship but I wasn't so amiable, I always had a wall... (big mistake bring it down, anyways) those popular guys the jocks and some other people have tried talking to me in the recent years. Yea, I might have thought about it then not for Popularity I've hated people looking at me or whatever.
@C_L_O_G - That's exactly how I feel about it too... and we're both still here. I guess it's just that we were stronger than the challenges in life.
Hope you have a wonderful week as well. 
I look back at old xanga posts and shake my head because I don't know what the hell I was thinking some days.
Section leaders have to be strong pears. I know it well.
@WondersCafe - Well it's amazing you've had some amazing times with friends here in Xanga. I guess like IRL, everybody slowly moves on to do their own thing.
@starmanjones - haha, yea I don't learn anything. I just learn to keep moving forward. That regardless of the pain one must endure you can only take it one breath at a time. And the pain feels will never be as strong as it was the first time. You never let it. Everything I've been told, everything I've learned on my own... sometimes I like people telling me, but mainly I like to whine here and there so I don't hold it in. But, nothing can be said that I don't know or haven't figured out myself. I know it all... haha (I know, self absorbed) but I do... I know the consequences of what I do and sometimes I still do it... why? I cannot say but I'm willing to take the risk... Is it worth it... to carry a heart made out of crystal and expect someone wont accidently help it drop and shatter... I have faith in people and sometimes I let them carry it just to see if they can be careful... many times... I've let them hold it for a mere second to be dropped, so it falls but I was strategically left soft cushions so the fall doesn't hurt too much... But, there is the rare one who was trusted with nothing on the ground and we know the end result... has a broom and a dustpan and kept it all together. All that is done is you put it once again in the cabinet and set it sit until you have time to sit down and put it together with superglue... then it's good as new well almost... just cracks... It's about moving with the hope of a continuous faith in people.
@godfatherofgreenbay - hahaha, there are a few that catch me off guard but I was only reading the ones that I have public. Oh the ones that I was to myself from my past... are gold!!! I was young with a potty mouth with anger, hate, sadness consumption of life. I know what I wrote in some instances and others... I just think wtf was I thinking? I get caught up in the moment. But, once I write about it and it's all gone, it's all gone... That's why I write to release everything. I remember the idea basis on it but the posts that were used as releases, no. There will always be posts we will wonder on the sanity in which they were composed.
@TheMushyPear - yes, peary strong leaders.... I had to step it up. And I did. After I came back to the same school to teach I grow leaders... I start them since their freshmen year. When I told students of their formal section leaders as they really were then, they're shocked. I take what I teach seriously and I make sure that who I pick will be it and that's without any say of mine. I just know what I do and how I do it to sway my way. See and kids don't see it from my perspective but I was the quiet and shy one but when it came to the power of being a section leader you're able to surpass it all. You're in charge of this group of people, you have responsibilities. You might be young but it a limited power not many can have so young. Music teaches leadership in so many ways, and the world will never know because they think it's more luxury than an essential necesity for a more diverse culture. Youngin don't understand and parents who don't care don't understand.
@pinktiger335 - Carly simon seems to echo here :don't mind if i fall apart, there's more room in a broken heart *broken heart)" it'll be cdoming round again
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