October 1, 2011
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I'm sorry
I am sorry I really am. I sorry I can't conform to the happiness everybody pretends to be. I'm cynical and selfish. I help out for my own self interest to make you better and sadly I can't feel better. I never have since the age of 11. I know the world isn't going to get better, it keeps getting worse. I had once hoped in my years of pessimism but it has only come to be confirmed, the truth rather than the faith I had to put on humanity. People argue over nonsense, lose friendships over stupidity and people want me to pretend to smile and pretend sometimes my heart isn't suppose to cry tears of blood. Well no, I guess that pain doesn't matter as long as I smile to you and pretend it's ok...
I'm sorry you fix your world by pretending or by ignoring. All I really do is hide it from the world when I can, it does get to a point when it's too much and I feel like I'm going to burst or do something stupid. I don't like to pretend always although I do smile here and there, I just don't always tell all the time. I mean what's the point when you're the only one who cares at the end of the day. Why does it matter if you're the only one that can change the outcome... And no, you haven't been able to yet. Sometimes you seem helpless, not your intention and you know you're no damsel in distress, you can do it but it hasn't happen yet as we plan or how we want it. Sometimes people treat you like that since you don't have anything, they feel they can treat you like that... well who needs charity when it's in self interest to make you feel bad. A few bucks go a long way... always.
Patience, Patience, Patience... is all I've heard for more than 15 years... 15 years of writing and talking to my self and trying to understand why things happen and why when I write I make them sound like a crazy person. Over analyzing and accidently feeling mislead. And why it makes sense to others and I'm still in the dark. And at the time I know it all, I just can't fix it. Or I hold on because deep down I hope and then I feel like it happens always. And it's my fault. I start thinking of when I started asking questions and why nobody is there. People are there, but why can't I open my mouth. Why am I the dark one while they all laugh and drink and have fun. Why it's always been me ... then I figured it's because I'm in front of this stupid computer. I just want to get away from this world but it's where people understand... and once they do, you feel lost again. I've met great people and even had a great connection with a few but I will never get to meet any of them. I wont, let's just be realistic. I would love to... but... it always fades...
I guess what I have to realize that at the end... it will all be what I make of it.
I wondered what it would be like to live in the city with crowds of people all in the surroundings. But, I see those people and they make me sad. They are exactly how I see myself from the outside. I already live in the deserted city. Everybody is here around but "I" am the same and my personality isn't going to change. I feel the guilt of the world coming down and I can't get them off me. I don't know why...
Ok, I feel better... sorry about the vagueness and sorry about apologizing but it's only fair. I'm sorry you read this. Sorry it was boring. And sorry it doesn't matter to you. I'm just sorry... You can't tell me not to say it...
Comments (15)
Don't be sorry. We are human. We all have feelings and emotions. Even if we are rich or poor. Or whatever. What we have doesn't define us. It's our heart that does. Don't just look at yourself at first glance. Look further, look ahead, you will see the purity and the beauty of your heart and you will be thankful for who you are and what you are.
So many sorries. Lol
Don't be sorry for some of these things, just be yourself with no qualms or no sadness. You're the person that you are meant to be, don't forget that
For better or worse.
I know exactly how you feel. I have written for so long. People would ask why I write. I always answered truly that I write to release the burdens and pleasure of my heart. It was suppose to make things better, but it hasn't. I feel like I am finally out of words, so I hide inside myself, people don't understand that.
My only hope for myself, you, anyone that is going through anything like this is that tomorrow may be a better day.
I hope you don't lose that hope.
I guess we are human and we can't control that. Write what you need to write about. If people don't want to read it...they won't. No need to apologize.
your guilt over things you dont control is palpable. i hope you can be free of that guilt. i hope we all can.
@RestlessButterfly - I see it but sometimes I don't feel it. I feel helpless unintentionally... like it never has a purpose, you know... I know I am thankful for many, many things and people so that I'm sure... but some things still suck...thank you for your support.
@Hinase - Yes, many, there are. I can't help it. I've been told to stop apologizing in my years but sometimes I just can't. Well, I am who am I no matter what and it's something that has never been changed. Yes, for better or worse it's true. thank you, it's refreshing to hear.
@Willowshollow - yes, that's exactly how I feel. You completely get it. I always hope for a better day if not for me I always pray and hope it for everybody else. I, at least, feel happier when people are happy even if I'm not completely happy yet. It's not to say I'm unhappy either just things don't always work out how we want them. Thank you... I wont lose hope and I hope you don't either.
@WondersCafe - I'm not apologizing because people are reading... I know they wont read if they don't' care which is fine. I do write what I want most of the time. I never really write for reading, I started this blog as an outlet for me not for others... I say "I'm sorry" because it's the simplest way of trying to forgive myself.
@blonde_apocalypse - I'm sorry. It's how I feel and I needed to let it out. It's not about just feeling guilty, it's because I can't do anything to change it. And I guess it's something I have to confront within myself. I can't change anything but what I do... I know it but I just can't engrave it in my mind correctly yet. I have no control, I know. I hope we all can too. thank you!
LOL. let it out. and woo! bet you feel better you've defrenestrated the bullpadookie of everyone's varnished joys and plastic smiles
lol lol lol. get that stain of truth visible! point out the stain, the flaw. now? hahaha, you've still dirty laundry without hidden bs. 
@starmanjones - I did let it out
... And of course I felt much better after that... It was a release much needed.
@pinktiger335 - :D
Adjustments to make everyone else happy is only going to lead to your own unhappiness.
@TheTheologiansCafe - Unhappy currently anyways... so it wont change a thing in the present. *shrug*
I guess what I have to realize that at the end... it will all be what I make of it. <---indeed.
@christianplainandsimple - I hope so...
*hugs*
@TrainTrack - Thank you Darling... this morning it's a much needed.*hug*
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