September 24, 2011

• Ultimatum in a relationship

  Ok, so my last post was just because I was bored ... 

  

  But, seriously Ultimatums usually comes in the worst times and sometimes when you least expect them or when there is a change that is expected. I can definitely see the appeal but at the same time they can suck... 

  I gave one once, a long long time ago and even though it might have worked with the time limit, it never really worked. I once thought I wanted this person who kept me on the side and used our broken up time as getting closer as friends so I knew when he went out and I would let him talk to me about his personal life with girls. And I would silently cry and let my heart break (this was before his wife's time but not too distant) ... So I gave him to ultimatum because I was tired of waiting (in fact, I was stupid I ever gave it- 20/20 hindsight- head over heels stupid) anyways so... he got back with me and cheated the same day, nice. I found out shortly. Now, I realize that when a person doesn't feel about you the way you want them to, even a time limit threat, ultimatum with really make them come back. It might give you time or maybe they start thinking about the custom of having that person there but sometimes it's not there anymore and it's gone. (there's a spanish song, I love, kinda sad but it's called "Costumbres" and it talks about living in a habit rather than it still being love- it will be in the bottom) ... So then I found out that people will not change  unless they want to, and people shouldn't be expected to change... 

  There was a bible study today at time house or something like that. There was a person speaking and using verses anyways so since most of the men are in a retreat (including my dad) it was mostly ladies except one gentleman who came with his wife.  They mentioned how some have been cheated on and different things and well they said that they were given these type of people who drink who have these bad habits so that they can get closer to God. Now, I understand why they do get closer given their situations. But, they get closer because of the situation. I don't think they were chosen this person to get closer... I don't know... anyways ... So I know my dad went to this retreat because my mom wanted him to. And well he wanted to go for himself but she kind of just wanted him to live it but he took his keyboard and might have played instead which means it was useless, well I'm sure it's not but the purpose is in a sense. 

  After years, I've had the opportunity to kind of talk to dad on Wednesday. I asked him to go to this marriage retreat with my mom. She had asked him before and he said no because he says it has to come from within to go, I'm sure he would say the same thing if I told him to go to an AA meeting. But, this time and for the first time I asked him to go. I'm tired of the silent treatment they have going on, the yelling that gets them nowhere, the disagreements. I told him just once. And he agreed that all they need is just once but he's hesitant mainly because after people come out of this retreat their marriage gets better and I got the feeling he wasn't willing to fix it. 

  I told my mom I kind of talked to him but I didn't tell her what we really talked about because we talked a bit more, felt nice to be trusted, you know. I hate breaking trust. The thing I found out I told my my is that she has given my dad and ultimatum. He basically has until Oct 1st to decide if he wants to go and if he doesn't say anything or agrees... I don't know what will happened. I asked her and she said she was done. My parents are both stubborn, I know them, I've watched them. I've asked her simple questions of when they met and their relationship... and I still see the same thing. Nothing has changed in 26-27 years of them being together yet they're on the verge of ending it. Or who knows how my dad will feel after this religious retreat/encounter. I asked her, why did she stayed from the beginning if she saw what she saw and she said she was blinded by love. I can't deny anything to that response. They did  rush into it though but that's not my call because I can see why it's gone wrong just tracing back to the beginning. 

  I've always figured that a person is the way they are and they don't plan on changing. A person who thinks a person will change for them is delusional as well. No games, be who you are and let the person embrace it. If the person accepts you as you then great but if they don't, they never will. I never want to end up in a position like my parents. Even when they got married... my mom says that my dad just said it like "yea, we'll be married for a few years" like if it was suppose to end or something. Most of my dad's siblings (aunts and uncles) have broken marriages which makes me sad. I think they don't know how to follow through or really be committed. I've heard so much from seeing and hearing so many people tell their stories. 

  You can see it, and this is why I am fighting to go completely the opposite of what they have. My dad's sibs have no communication or interaction. Not what I want... I want a united family, communicate and as hard as it can sound, no divorce, it's what I want and I know there are situations where it's happens, and I can't say never but it's never going to be on my mind. 

  *sigh* 

  So this was the song i was talking about :

  Hablame de ti,                                                                              Talk to me about yourself           
  cuentame, de tu vida.                                                                    Tell me about your life

  Sabes tu muy bien                                                                         You know very well     
  que yo estoy convencida                                                                 that I'm convince
  de que tu no puedes                                                                       that you can't
  aunque intentes olvidarme.                                                               even if you try, to forget me               

  Siempre volveras                                                                            You will always come back
  una y otra vez                                                                                again and again 
  una y otra vez                                                                                 again and again    
  siempre volveras                                                                             You will always comes back
  aunque ya no sientas                                                                       Even if you don't feel       
  mas amor por mi, solo rencor.                                                           more love for me, only bitterness

  Yo tampoco tengo                                                                          I also have
  nada que sentir                                                                              nothing to feel                  
  y eso es peor.                                                                                and that's worse            
  Pero te extrano,                                                                            But I miss you     
  tambien te extrano.                                                                        I also miss you 

  No cabe duda que es verdad                                                            it's without doubt, it's the truth 
  que la costumbre es mas fuerte                                                        that habits are stronger
  que el amor.                                                                                    than love            

  Se que tu no puedes                                                                     I know that you can't
  aunque intentes olvidarme.                                                             even if you try, forget about me 
  siempre volveras                                                                            you will always come back         
  una y otra vez                                                                               again and again
  una y otra vez                                                                                again and again     
  siempre volveras.                                                                           You will always come back

  Aunque ya no sientas mas                                                              Even if you don't feel  
  amor por mi, solo rencor.                                                                more love, just bitterness

  Yo tampoco tengo nada que                                                            I also have nothing to         
  sentir, y eso es peor.                                                                      feel, and that's worse          
  Pero te extrano.                                                                              But, I miss you        
  Como te extrano.                                                                             how I miss you       

  No cabe duda que es verdad                                                             It's without doubt, it's the truth
  que la costumbre es mas fuerte                                                        that a habit is stronger
  que el amor...                                                                                  than love...

   

  I guess this song always made me think of a couple being years together, living together, knowing everything about each other and even in their worst times of no talking to each other they were still there... making breakfast, lunch and dinner... And when there is no more love you still miss that presence the support, the feeling someone is there. And even if maybe didn't miss the person you miss them as a whole as an idea. I guess that's the basis of the song.  People get use to each other. And when it doesn't work, suddenly so many years later there's a change and a new adaptation.  So we're see what happens. This is enough of my rambling.   

  • 10:51 am
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